This Film is Not Yet Watchable – June 2023

Apologies one and all for the lack of content over the past two weeks. It’s an unfortunate side effect of Summer Blockbuster season sometimes. There are the odd weeks where the major studios will essentially get out of each others’ way and let one film dominate the box office for a cycle. Two weeks ago it was Fast X, which I have no desire to see, and last week it was the Little Mermaid remake, where my interest level goes into imaginary negative square roots. Because of this, there aren’t many alternative options, aside from the odd indie film. I am looking forward to seeing You Hurt My Feelings, and I would have gone for that over the holiday, but a) I was dog-sitting, and b) I was working with my friends at No Rest for the Weekend on upcoming coverage of the Brooklyn Film Festival (which starts today) and the Tribeca Film Festival (starting next week). So I’m truly sorry if you were hankering for stuff over the last fortnight, but I should be back to regular output going forward.

And what a way to get back to business, as June brings us yet another cadre of cinematic hopefuls that fail even the most basic of smell tests. There are 14 films being released across the country this month, and in fairness, we’ve got an equal share of movies that appear to have potential and stuff that… decidedly doesn’t. Honestly, it’s sort of refreshing, as we’re normally into September before we get a healthy amount of first impression quality, especially when it equals or surpasses the previews that look like abject crap. There are outliers to be sure (March and April occasionally offer hope), but it is a rare treat when I can say that the theatrical output for a given period actually offers legitimate choices and possible dilemmas about what to see.

Still, we DO have a bit of shit to wade through, so let’s get to it. Let the June Gloom begin in earnest (even though it’s been going on since at least late April). This is the June 2023 edition of “This Film is Not Yet Watchable!”

Shooting Stars – June 2

This was a very late entry to the party, as it wasn’t on the list of releases when I did my preliminary pass just a few days ago. But it’s here now, and it would have been better off not being added.

I’ve had my ups and downs with appreciating LeBron James over the years. I thought he was overrated when he first came on the scene, not because I didn’t admire his skill, but because sports media were salivating to anoint him as Michael Jordan’s successor and superior before he was even out of high school, and because Carmelo Anthony had a better rookie season coming off an NCAA championship and was basically ignored. His infamous “Decision” to leave Cleveland for Miami was one of the worst spectacles I’d ever seen, and when I learned from the higher-ups at ESPN what we as a network and as a news organization gave up in the name of exclusivity and ratings to make it happen (the executives held town hall meetings with staff in the wake of the backlash), it was the first time I truly felt ashamed to have the “Worldwide Leader” on my résumé.

Since his triumphant return to Cleveland and subsequent move to Los Angeles, I’ve softened on him. He’s matured a lot, and despite his earlier mistakes, he is a genuinely nice guy. My first job out here in L.A. was writing for The Wall, a game show where he’s the celebrity executive producer, and I’m still proud to work for the program to this day. The game’s first million-dollar winners were coincidentally from LeBron’s hometown of Akron, OH, and in a great segment for the show, he personally delivered the cash to their home (obviously it was prop money, but the gesture was still cool).

Unfortunately, we’ve now entered the phase of his career where he really is the most “Like Mike,” and that’s the vanity projects phase. First it was his legitimately funny cameo in Trainwreck, but then it was all downhill, with the universally-panned Space Jam sequel, then the House Party reboot earlier this year, and now we have Shooting Stars, a Peacock exclusive (though still given an MPAA rating for a limited qualifying theatrical run) where we learn the story of his high school days at the St. Vincent-St. Mary prep school, where his national profile skyrocketed to the point where he became the top overall NBA draft pick and began his journey to superstardom.

That’s all well and good, but really, who cares? I’ll grant some credibility in that the film at least purports to give attention to LeBron’s teammates as well, but was anybody clamoring for more media saturation on his part? Was there anyone seriously jonesing for yet another helping of hero worship for the most spotlighted (and to be fair, scrutinized) athlete of this century to date? Reader, I submit that there was not, and if there was, there was certainly no one begging for it to come in the form of a standard-issue sports movie, with every cliché and manufactured moment of melodrama that the formula dictates.

In a weird way, it almost feels appropriate. LeBron is a great player, but despite all the people trying to make a debate for the past two decades, time and again, for better and worse, he’s demonstrated that he’s just as normal and human as the rest of us. This is just another example, with a product that hype machines will sell as something grandiose, but in the end is just like all the others. It may be special to some, but it’s far from unique.

Flamin’ Hot – June 9

There have been far too many movies about commercial products, both good and bad. It’s one thing to take a corporate IP and have fun with it, like The Lego Movie, but it’s quite another to make an entire film talking about how great some consumer item is. Even when the flick turns out to be quality (The Social Network, Steve Jobs, Air, etc.) it always feels like the film itself only exists as a promotional tool.

So you can imagine my disinterest in Flamin’ Hot, the feature directorial debut for actress Eva Longoria (last seen being too busy with business to deal with her dead sister and orphaned niece in the illegitimate Oscar contender, Tell it Like a Woman). It professes to tell the story of Richard Montañez, who claims to have invented Flamin’ Hot Cheetos in the 1990s, and who rose from being a factory janitor to being a marketing executive at Frito-Lay (later PepsiCo) because he convinced all the stuffed shirt old white guys that they needed to appeal to the Latino community.

Yeah, there are three major problems here. One, the advertising for the movie (which is being sidelined to streaming only after a barely passable reception at SXSW) is much more about Longoria than the story or the cast (this looks to be a breakthrough role for veteran actor Jesse Garcia, but you’d never know it for how the trailer plays), and I don’t give a shit what a formerly desperate housewife does. Two, Flamin’ Hot Cheetos are fucking disgusting. Cheetos by themselves have always been trash to me (especially compared to Doritos and other snacks that have actual flavor), but this particular variety is basically mass-produced burning diarrhea in a bag, so I have no desire to see anyone selling it via celluloid as some kind of revolutionary innovation. When I first heard of this project, I seriously thought it was a parody of product-placement movies, like a corporate version of Talladega Nights or Blades of Glory, because who in their right mind would find bleeding out your asshole inspirational?

Third, and most importantly, the story is almost certainly bullshit. Montañez’s accounts of how he “created” the Cheetos have been pretty thoroughly debunked by the Los Angeles Times in an investigative report from two years ago. It pokes holes in the timeline compared with internal documents, it establishes that McCormick actually came up with the seasoning, and it points out the pretty damning fact that the man didn’t even work for the company when he says he did. The inaccuracies are so alarming that it got all the way back to the screenwriter, Lewis Colick (who holds Dante’s Peak and Ghosts of Mississippi among his more shining achievements), whose response was basically, “Eh, close enough.” So even the writer doesn’t give a fuck about telling a good or true story. He cashed a check, nothing more.

It’s a shame, too, because Richard Montañez’s actual life story is one worth telling, because he did work his way up from the the bottom rung into the executive ranks. He did learn how to market to underserved communities, and helped bolster sales to a laudable degree. He overcame some pretty hefty barriers to find social mobility. All of that by itself is enough for a good film. So why are we loading it up with volcano ass and making it more about the unrelated celebrity behind the camera?

The Flash – June 16

Do I really need to spell out why you shouldn’t watch this, or at minimum shouldn’t shell out actual money for it in theatres? The fact that Warner Bros. is even putting this out after all the shenanigans that have gone on since David Zaslav started slashing and burning everything in his path is bad enough, but this is beyond the pale. I mean, I don’t know how good or bad Batgirl would have been, but to look at it and deem it unreleasable on one hand when on the other you have Ezra Miller being an unrepentant shitbag who’s constantly getting arrested and trying to buy back goodwill by switching pronouns, and this is the one you find acceptable? Come the fuck on!

And then, of course, the trailer itself shows what a desperate bid this is to try to salvage the public relations dumpster fire they have on their hands. Because what is the selling point of the actual preview? Michael Keaton returning as Batman after 30 years. Yeah, Miller is so toxic that the title character is shunted to the side in advertising for his own movie for the sake of what will likely be little more than an extended cameo. The entire back half of the video is devoted to Keaton, and Ben Affleck’s version takes up a noteworthy amount of the front end.

This is what you call a lazy attempt to polish a turd. This is why the DC Extended Universe continually fails to gain any ground on Marvel. These suits care so much more about how far into the future they can extend their profit penises that they never stop to see the cold sores popping up away at the base.

I love the idea of Keaton coming back, as he was my first Batman, and seeing him definitely triggered the nostalgia goggles. And for what it’s worth, Affleck was the only thing that made Batman v. Superman truly enjoyable. But this is a lost cause. THIS is where you’re supposed to cut your losses and leave the project in the vault, and if you’re really serious about bringing these versions of the Caped Crusader back, do so in a movie for them, not as sidekicks to a lead with no charisma played by a likely violent criminal. Hell, just recast the role and do reshoots if this particular story is so crucial to your canon (I’ll go out on a limb and say it probably isn’t). Sony was willing to do it to get Kevin Spacey out of All the Money in the World, and even did so after the film was shot and trailers including him were shown to the public. Why can’t Warner Bros. do the same thing?

Because they care way more about the appearance of a crime fighter than actually standing up to crime, and just for good measure, they’ll try to actively steal your money for the privilege of including you in the scheme.

Elemental – June 16

You guys, I’m legitimately worried now. We are currently on our third straight Pixar movie that has appeared subpar based on the trailers, and given the stellar highs this studio has been able to hit, you could argue that we’ve basically been let down in five of the last six entries. It’s not that Luca or Turning Red don’t have their moments, it’s just that knowing what these people are capable of, it all just seems pedestrian by comparison, and we may be looking at a sustained downturn for Luxo Jr. not seen since 2011-2017, where only Inside Out reminded us of the animation leader’s greatness, sandwiched by the likes of The Good Dinosaur and Monsters University.

I hate to say it, but Elemental just doesn’t look appealing, earning a rather dismal 58% Rotten Tomatoes rating from early reviews at the Cannes Film Festival, where it was the closing night feature. At an event where even the worst pictures get 10-minute standing ovations or more, Pixar’s latest arrived largely with indifference, and honestly, it’s not hard to see why. The first teaser, showing a flame girl getting on a train while wearing a hoodie and listening to music on her headphones (SO ENGAGING!) and then bumping into a water boy for an awkward meet-cute seemed underwhelming, and the reveal of their names being literally Ember and Wade just felt like the laziest pun from the worst Simpsons sign gag.

The full trailer did nothing to assuage my doubts, as it turns out this oh so highly imaginative world (that honestly looks like it was cribbed from Coco and Zootopia) featuring the four classical elements in anthropomorphized form… is just there to house a teenage romance about race mixing. Are you this bereft of ideas, Pixar and Disney? A century in, and we’re just NOW getting to the notion that segregation is bad? And even then, all you’re going to do are cheap visual jokes and wordplay relating to fire and water? You might as well call this Guess Who’s Flowing to Dinner or Wet Side Story for all the nuance and originality these scenes bring to the table. Even the character designs look half-assed. Oh gee, Ember’s an attractive fire girl. So you’re saying she’s… hot? DER-HUR-HUR! And Wade’s water effects look like something Shark Tale left unrendered.

What is going on here? What happened to the studio who told simple stories that would dazzle your eyes right before making them gush with tears? Where are the understated but deeply profound explorations of existential quandaries couched in love stories with mostly silent robots? When do we get back to those seminal moments where the human condition is distilled into just a few indelible scenes of joy and sadness? Hell, where are the creative forces who gave us Joy and Sadness?

People, I am seriously concerned.

Extraction 2 – June 16

“You survived. You fought your way back. You just have to find out why.” That is the setup for Extraction 2, where Chris Hemsworth returns after the rather basic and boring Netflix action film from three years ago. This trope of a line is meant to elicit some kind of emotional response and fuel the eventual bloodbath, but really, the answer is simple. He “fought” his way back because Netflix and the Russo Brothers think they can make money off this again. That’s it. Sadly, they’re probably right.

I make no secret that I was not a fan of the first Extraction movie. It was completely nonsensical, full of clichés, poorly acted and written, and the fact that Hemsworth’s character survived a climactic battle with waves of enemies where he literally suffered no less than 20 fatal wounds before “vanishing” in the most obvious bit of sequel baiting imaginable was just annoying.

But I did note one redeeming quality, which was an extended chase scene towards the middle of the film, where director Sam Hargrave coordinated a massive one-take sequence that was both thrilling and funny. And I will say, to this edition’s minimal credit, it appears that Hargrave is doubling down on the one aspect that worked, as the trailer hints at a few more similar set pieces. It probably still won’t be enough to save yet another tired action flick about a hired gun trying to protect his (or someone else’s) family, but I’ll take what I can get.

No Hard Feelings – June 23

I’m going to try to make this work, as this is a case where there seems to be only Red Band trailers available online, and those are typically age-restricted in the U.S. and won’t play if I try to embed them here. So I’m taking the Canadian release trailer that’s exactly the same as the one here in the states but isn’t branded as such. If it doesn’t play, you can easily find it on YouTube, and I apologize for the idiotic inconvenience. I don’t know why Sony can’t just release a clean version, but hey, I’m only paid for jobs that require me to think logically.

Anyway, when I heard that Jennifer Lawrence was doing an R-rated comedy where she has to sleep with a sheltered teenager, I was a touch intrigued. She can be funny, but typically doesn’t play these types of roles. Also, I’m usually in favor of any movie that’s willing to just “go there” and be raunchy for its own sake.

But, I’m sorry. I’ve watched this trailer several times, and I haven’t laughed once. J-Law’s delivery is fine, except when she’s just saying “fuck” in lieu of actual dialogue, but the jokes themselves just aren’t all that good. I mean, “Can I touch your wiener? I mean your dog,” is some of the worst writing I’ve ever heard. Also, maybe it was intentional, but every scene she has with her virgin target, played by Andrew Barth Feldman, is just pure cringe.

I’m not saying this can’t or won’t be good, but the pitch did not sell me in the slightest. The only real point in the trailer’s favor is noting that this is Gene Stupnitsky’s follow-up to the hysterical Good Boys. That movie was wall-to-wall laughs, including in the trailer, so there’s at least the hope that maybe there’s better stuff kept out of the ad.

Indiana Jones and the Dial of Destiny – June 30

If I’m being completely forthcoming, there’s nothing truly wrong with this trailer, other than the use of “Sympathy for the Devil.” This is the Indiana Jones franchise. The “devils” are Nazis. They deserve no sympathy. Apart from that, this looks serviceable, and it might be a nice nostalgia trip for fans, myself included.

But Kingdom of the Crystal Skull just hurt too much. After waiting nearly 20 years from Last Crusade to get… that… I just can’t trust anything I see from this property anymore. Everything raises a question I would have never asked had that movie not existed. Why is Phoebe Waller-Bridge here and getting the same screen time as a romantic lead despite being Indy’s goddaughter? Why does John Rhys-Davies’ appearance feel like a cheap fan service cameo? Why are Steven Spielberg and George Lucas not directing and writing this? Why does a “Dial of Destiny” sound so lame and unimpressive, particularly after Indy’s found the literal Holy Grail and Ark of the Covenant? Are you promising that this is the last one, because if it makes money I can easily see another sequel after Harrison Ford dies, with the filmmakers using a de-aged hologram?

It’s one thing to have a subpar entry in a franchise, but the last one was too far even for me. It’s the only terrible film I’ve ever watched TWICE in a theatre, because I had to confirm that I hadn’t imagined just how horrible it was, that my eyes saw what they actually saw, and that it wasn’t all some fever dream hallucination. To take a beloved character and shove him into a “highly-anticipated return” that ranks as one of the worst movies of all time literally shook my faith in two cinematic auteurs to tell even a competent story, to the point that all my instincts 15 years later are to see any attempts to continue the series as some craven act. Maybe if Spielberg and Lucas made a public apology and promised to right the wrongs of that last outing I’d have some degree of anticipation and excitement, but I just can’t muster it.

I hope I’m wrong. I pray I’m wrong. But I just can’t shake the feeling that we’re all about to be had in the worst way all over again.

***

With that, it’s time to get the most fetid stench coming soon to your local multiplex, “The Worst Trailer in the World… This Month!” For June, I thought it was going to be hard coming up with a viable candidate, but then Michael Bay and his lackeys decided to make this one of the easiest calls ever.

Transfomers: Rise of the Beasts – June 9

I feel a little bit of vindication right now, about 24 hours after I posted the video. This afternoon, I got the first reactions, and so far, they’re not all that positive. I’ve gotten one like against three dislikes (so click the correct button to help balance the numbers out if you could). I also got two comments that were not constructive. The first was from a user with a Transformer as their avatar (so you know they’re unbiased), asserting that this movie isn’t part of Michael Bay’s continuity, and that it’s meant to be a reboot. Yeah, that’s why he’s still the main producer (most likely making all the creative decisions while Steven Caple, Jr. just sits in the director’s chair during the shoot), all the returning characters have the same voice actors, all the design aesthetics are exactly the same, and even a second of research will show you that this is indeed a prequel to the first film from 2007.

So, just factually, this person is wrong, which I find satisfying, because it means that an angry “fanboy” can’t even come at me with basic information, to say nothing of any opinions or insights that actually address my jokes and critiques. I mean, what relevance would there be if this actually was a reboot instead of a prequel? It still looks awful. This comment was then liked and responded to by another user, who offered this pearl of wisdom that I am quoting verbatim: “yeah i don’t even know why he making fun of transformers he just hater fan.”

So I’ve got two comments on the video, one from a person who doesn’t know facts, and one from someone who doesn’t know English. Truly the intellectual elite are coming for me. But here’s the kicker. I was going to screengrab them and include the image here in the column as a call to action to all of you who might be willing to back me up just a skosh. But before I could do that, they were deleted. Seeing as it was one comment and a reply, this implies that the original user realized their error and took it down before they could get dragged for such a careless misstatement. The dislike remains, so I’m guessing they still think they “owned” me a little bit.

Now, I bear no ill will to those who disagree with me. I love having discussions and debates. And for the most part, if someone comments on my videos that they like something I’m playfully mocking, I’m perfectly fine with it. I’ll even write back that I truly hope they enjoy the film, because the point of these videos – and this column – is to criticize and poke fun at content and corporate advertising, not disparage fans. People can like what they like, and I appreciate it when they’re honest about their fandom, because even if I don’t see it, I do get more perspective on things. The only times that I will delete comments are when they’re just nasty responses to me as a person. Quibble with me all you want, but I won’t abide insults and personal attacks, especially on behalf of bad movies and studios who don’t give a fuck about you.

Still, I had to laugh when I saw the comments were gone. Even if everyone who sees this video ends up hating it, I win this one. And if the OP is somehow reading this right now, please reach out. I’d genuinely like to get your thoughts on the Transformers series to understand how you enjoy these movies, and while I’ve jested here, I assure you it’s all in good fun and I’m not judging you.

***

Anyway, it’s time to put a bow on this puppy and leave with a smile on our faces with this month’s “Redemption Reel.” I honestly did have a hard time picking one this go-round, not because there weren’t good candidates, but because there were too many. There are four films releasing in June that I’m truly excited for, and it took me ages to single out one for the spotlight here. In the end, I went with my gut, and just chose the one that made me feel the most giddy.

Asteroid City – June 16

I’ve said before that Wes Anderson’s films are something of a crapshoot. Some I absolutely adore (Isle of Dogs and The Grand Budapest Hotel), and some just do nothing for me (The French Dispatch). And based on first look, I’m really hoping this leans toward the former.

This appears to me like it could signal the apex of Anderson’s quirky style, with the sets feeling like living dioramas. There was a good degree of this delightful approach to production design in Budapest, and now it looks like we’re diving head-first into this aesthetic in a way that seems playfully self-aware, even by Anderson’s standards. The color palette and lighting schemes are gorgeous, the scale is charming, and even the changes in aspect ratio feel like they have a point, which isn’t always a guarantee.

More importantly, while many of Anderson’s usual stable of actors make their rounds (with Jason Schwartzman in the lead role), we do get a fresh set of A-list faces joining the widening ensemble, with Tom Hanks, Margot Robbie, and Steve Carell (replacing Bill Murray after he got COVID) making their first appearances with the acclaimed director, and Scarlett Johansson debuting for him in human form (she previously played a pooch in the aforementioned personal fave). I’m genuinely fascinated to see what these actors – all of them possessing tremendous dramatic and comedic range – will be able to pull off within the context of Anderson’s milieu.

It could turn into a complete disaster, or even worse, just be dull, but indications are that the film is quite strong, with an RT average of 80% based on early coverage. All of this is more than enough for me to lay down the cash in a couple of weeks’ time (or more accurately, click the appropriate buttons on my AMC app and strategically go to the bathroom during Nicole Kidman’s bullshit). When Wes Anderson hits, he hits big time, and if this sticks the landing, it could be seen as an early contender for Awards Season.

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That’ll do it for this month, folks! Enjoy your time at the movies, no matter what you end up seeing, and with any luck, I’ll be back on track for normal output sooner rather than later.

Join the conversation in the comments below! Do you plan to see any of these films? Was I too hard on any of them? Are you still traumatized by Indiana Jones discovering aleins? Let me know!