This Film is Not Yet Watchable – December 2023

The Year of Our Lord of the Rings Two Thousand and Twenty-three is almost in the books, and quite frankly, I’m relieved. This has been one of the more difficult years in my life, not the least of which because my mother died and I’m dead flat broke. But also, it just feels like this has been a weird, ominous year all around. There have been high points, certainly, but on the whole, it just seems like this one was not good. Russia is still trying to wipe Ukraine off the map, Hamas attacked Israel, and polls suggest that a plurality of voters might seriously consider being three and a half years older than a Nazi as a worse trait in a Presidential candidate than being an actual Nazi.

Also, not for nothing, 2023 has been a relatively bad year at the multiplex. Mind you, 2022 wasn’t all that great either, as evidenced by the fact that in my estimation, only two of the 10 nominees for Best Picture this year were truly worthy of consideration, but we’re doing even worse this time around. For example, last year I featured 98 trailers in this column that appeared to be crap. Obviously not all of them turned out that way, as there were a few surprise hits and works of true quality that just had less than stellar sales pitches. That’s all well and good. This year, counting the dozen that I’m including in this month’s edition, we’re up to 122!

And again, this monthly excursion into the dregs of cinema is far from comprehensive, as I’m only going on what I see on Wikipedia on a month-to-month basis. I actually missed some doozies, like Back on the Strip, which came out on my birthday (if you’ll recall I tend to have bad luck in that regard). I saw that trailer in the theatre and thought it was awful, but forgot to include it here because it wasn’t listed. For the record, it has a score of 25% on Rotten Tomatoes. This month in particular will include an intentional omission, because the trailer is for a film I already saw, and hated, at AFI Fest in October. I won’t name it here, but rather save my bile for when it gets released around Christmas time to cravenly get in under the gun for awards consideration. Still, I won’t include the trailer here because I saw the movie before any kind of advertising, and my full opinion would obviously color any analysis of the marketing.

But still, 122 movies have “earned” a spot in the column this year. That’s insane, and it can’t all be blamed on the SAG and WGA strikes. Major studios did pull some high-profile releases, delaying them into 2024 (Dune: Part Two and The Bikeriders chief among them) in hopes of increasing their profit margins, but they clearly didn’t care about putting out the shit, so much so that there were several weekends this year where the average movie-goer had no palatable options. In essence, the studios, knowing how terrible the AI and automation processes have already become for film production, decided to preemptively punish audiences for siding with the workers against them by deluging us with but a preview of just how bad things can – and will – get once they find some way to get around paying people. It’s kind of sickening.

So yeah, this hasn’t been a great one, but I remain eternally optimistic. Hopefully, with the labor disputes resolved for now, and with public fatigue for cheap franchise fare finally setting in, next year’s output will be decidedly better. For the moment, however, we’ve got our own 12 Days of Shitmas to get through, so sit back, pour yourself some extra boozy eggnog, and open your advent calendar (it’s filled with shit). This is the December 2023 edition of “This Film is Not Yet Watchable!”

Eileen – December 1

We start off this month’s column with what is by far the least offensive of the bunch. A psychological thriller starring Thomasin McKenzie and Anne Hathaway, the film has already been Certified Fresh ahead of its release with an RT score of 88%. That makes me feel a whole lot better, because the trailer doesn’t inspire much confidence. The two-minute affair is basically just a slew of tropes we’ve all seen before. Good girl goes bad, older femme fatale, sexual awakenings and fantasies, and a healthy dose of mid-20th century sexism.

But aside from all that, I’m just sick of all the smoking in movies this year, and this is just another one on the pile. I used to be a real narc about cigarettes when I was younger, but as I grew up I learned to live and let live. I’ve probably smoked about three packs total over the course of my life. I understand the stress reliever that it can be. It doesn’t offend me nearly as much as it used to. But this year – and this film is just emblematic of the problem – it’s been basically non-stop. Just about every major drama film, regardless of quality (from the highs of Oppenheimer to the lows of Golda), has prominently featured several asides of characters smoking, and it’s only ever a distraction at best. Films have to post a disclaimer in the credits now that assert that no tobacco companies paid them to use their products, but how believable is that when it really feels like the bulk of 2023 cinema was brought to you by Joe Camel?

All that said, it only gets worse from here, so here’s hoping the preliminary reviews are accurate.

The Shift – December 1

I mentioned in the October column that I’m done with robots as the basis for science fiction stories. It’s been done to death, and in a time where we’re literally watching machines replace humans in the workforce, and in the entertainment industry, the continued use is just tone deaf. Well, let’s add multiverse stories to the unofficial sci-fi moratorium, shall we?

I mean, it’s just the same old song, right? Someone travels between dimensions and sees alternate versions of the world, some that are comically better in minor ways, but many more that are downright dystopian, leading to some race against time to get back home and recover what was lost. Marvel by itself has been bungling this concept for the last several years.

In the case of The Shift, however, it’s more than just thematic plagiarism at play. This plot is tant amount to outright theft of, oddly enough, Rick and Morty. Yeah, I’m serious. Our protagonist, played by Kristoffer Polaha, finds himself a wife who he loves dearly. At some point, our villain, dubbed “The Benefactor” (Neal McDonough), makes this guy an offer to work for him, and when the deal is rebuffed, Polaha is transported to a much more horrid reality where he has to hunt down the Benefactor as revenge to get home to said wife.

That’s almost Rich Sanchez’s backstory note-for-note. As revealed – as a partial joke – in Season 3, confirmed in Season 5, and potentially resolved in the current series, “our” Rick, for lack of a better term, was living a somewhat normal life with his wife, Diane, and young daughter, Beth. Upon his imminent breakthrough in developing portal technology, he’s visited by Rick Prime, who offers to help him with the final steps in the process in exchange for him leaving his family behind and traveling the infinite. When our Rick refuses, Rick Prime portals in a bomb that kills Diane and Beth, leading our Rick to becoming the cynical, alcoholic super-genius we all know and love, all in the name of getting revenge against Rick Prime. He even joins the family of “our” Morty, forming the true titular duo, because that Morty (and his associated Beth), are descended from Rick Prime.

It’s the same goddamned story, only seemingly much more boring, and we’re expected to pay money to go watch it in a theatre? Ricks may not pass on this, but I sure as hell will.

Holiday Twist – December 1

Okay, so you may not be excited for an action sci-fi movie starring Neal McDonough and Sean Astin. But what about a CHRISTMAS MOVIE starring Neal McDonough and Sean Astin, coming out the same week? Eh? EH?!

Yeah, these guys need better agents. This has all the earmarks of a generic Hallmark film, but for some reason it’s getting released in theatres. It’s about Kelly Stables playing a super busy business woman who’s always busy with business… who also hates Christmas. Oh, and in this version she runs an Amazon-like shipping company, and McDonough steals the packages from people’s porches. Yikes.

The production values are noticeably poor, including inconsistent lighting, nearly incompetent camera work, and unbalanced sound. The acting, particularly Stables’ line readings, are horrible. And as for the trailer itself, it looks like the rough cut that a Day 1 trainee on an outdated version of Avid would make. Somehow, there are two versions of the trailer. I’ve included the longer one here, because I want you all to feel my loathing as both a writer and an editor.

This is just amateur in the extreme, and for once, I get to boast a little bit of algorithmic superiority. Both trailers come from the official YouTube account of the film itself – not the studio, mind you. I have more subscribers on YouTube than this account. THAT is saying something. Also saying something, anyone who watches my videos, because I don’t turn off commenting, unlike the trailer videos did.

The Oath – December 8

Neal McDonough and Sean Astin star… okay, just kidding. They’re not in this one. Though honestly, I’m guessing their presence might improve what may be the worst idea for a film since The Emoji Movie.

This is the book of Mormon, as an action film. I’m not talking about the musical, The Book of Mormon, which is just so glorious and amazing that if Matt Stone and Trey Parker ever decided to turn their work into an action flick that it’d be just insane enough to work. I mean the literal religious text of the Church of Latter-Day Saints, the one Joseph Smith pretended was written on golden plates that he could only read out of a hat, which he never showed anybody else. THAT, is what is being made into an historical action epic.

Man, you must be wearing some magic underwear, because you have got to be shitting me on a supernatural level. The story behind one of the most repressive religions in America, the one that didn’t allow black people in any significant way until the 1970s, the one that says Heaven is literally your own personal planet, the one that asserts that Adam and Eve lived in Missouri, and that indigenous people were actually a lost tribe of Israel that God punished for their sins by turning their skin red, that is somehow ripe for an “inspirational” war story. Oh, and Billy Zane is in it, too!

I almost wish I was religious so I could renounce my faith in protest.

Wonka – December 15

Come with me,
And you’ll see,
Yet another shitty imitation!
Filled with cheap CGI,
Lacking all imagination.

If you want to see quality,
Simply point your eyeballs elsewhere.
You won’t find a reason to care.
“Substance” is an unknown word,
You’ll find it nowhere.

Timothée Chalamet,
Corporate suits,
And Hugh Grant animation,
Nothing here to admire…
Let’s all kill it…
With…
FIRE!

Rebel Moon – Part One: A Child of Fire – December 15

Do you love Zack Snyder movies? Well then, you’re basically part of the problem. After mucking up comic adaptations and zombies over the last few years, somehow, inexplicably, Netflix remains eager to give him their money. And they wonder why they’re hemorrhaging subscribers of late.

His latest magnum nope-us is Rebel Moon, a two-part space opera, with the first entry coming out in December and the conclusion coming in April. To watch the preview is to sit agog wondering how you can see something, anything better, like Battlefield Earth or Mac & Me. Just look at this synopsis from the Wiki page:

In a universe controlled by the corrupt government of the Motherworld, the moon of Veldt is threatened by the forces of the Imperium, the army of the Motherworld controlled by Regent Balisarius. Kora, a former member of the Imperium who seeks redemption for her past in the leadership of the oppressive government, tasks herself to recruit warriors from across the galaxy to make a stand against the Motherworld’s forces before they return to the planet.

I’ve seen grade school book reports written by kids who obviously didn’t read the actual book that sounded more coherent. This makes the 80s version of Dune feel like goddamned Shakespeare. Also, for the record, I counted 24 unnecessary slow-mo shots in the trailer alone. When you add that to the awful-looking CGI, the repetition of what I call the “dying whale through a bullhorn” sound effect, and the fact that Djimon Hounsou is going to be wasted as a sidekick in yet another picture, this looks dead on arrival.

So naturally the Snyder fanboys will jizz their pants for the next six months.

The Family Plan – December 15

I don’t know who came up with the subgenre of action movies starring suburban dads who are secretly spies or assassins, but can we be done with it, please? I mean, Nobody had its fun moments, but it was the exception that proved the rule, and even then it wasn’t great. But really, how much drier can this well get? Liam Neeson, Nic Cage, Keanu Reeves, they’ve all played some version of this stock character, with varying degrees of success, and now that it’s Mark Wahlberg’s turn, I’m just worn out on it.

But you know what’s the most off-putting about this trailer? Seeing Wahlberg and Michelle Monaghan singing along to “Ice Ice Baby” in the car. For the love of all that is holy, do not remind me that this man once had a Funky Bunch. The moment you invoke late 80s/early 90s white boy rap, you do exactly that, and I scream. I can have some guilty pleasure fun with Vanilla Ice on occasion (“Ninja, Ninja, RAP!”), but not when it’s Mark Wahlberg doing it for a cheap half-reference. This movie already looks tired and lazy enough. No need to make it worse.

Finestkind – December 15

I know I say this at least once every few columns in reference to many different actors, and now it’s time to evoke it again. Ahem, Tommy Lee Jones, YOU ARE BETTER THAN THIS! I mean, drug-smuggling yachts? Really? Are you being chased by Knight Boat, the Crime-Solving Boat? Jesus Howard Christ!

Also, any chance Paramount had of me taking any of this seriously evaporates when you consider that the trailer is bookended with this asinine line: “You live, you die. It’s the in-between that counts.” Um, NO! The line should be, “You’re born, you die.” Living IS the in-between, you morons! There is nothing in between life and death. One is the linear progression to the other. I hate to harp on something that would normally be a trivial instance of misspeaking, but the studio made it the thesis statement of the entire film! Did no one involved make it past fourth grade English?

Migration – December 22

I never thought I’d see the day, but it’s happened. Illumination is so bereft of ideas that they’ve basically made a feature length adaptation of a Tiny Toon Adventures short. From the 1990 episode, “Wake Up Call of the Wild,” one of the segments, entitled “Migrant Mallard,” shows a hesitant Plucky Duck temporarily succumbing to his instincts and flying south for the winter with a flock of other, wilder ducks. He eventually gives up and returns to Acme Acres, too accustomed to the comforts of modern life, and having been traumatized by seeing roast duck in a fancy restaurant.

That’s all I see when I watch the trailer for Migration. It’s just that cartoon stretched out to 90 minutes, padded with all the poop jokes you could ask for, and yet another performance of Misspelled Bottled Water doing her “black-cent” that nobody asked for. The preview even features the same joke about seeing roast duck being served, only it’s even more stupid. Oh, and way to go with turning millions of years of evolution into a “road trip” movie where an overprotective father considers a natural process to be akin to a “Caribbean vacation” fraught with danger. Great lesson for the kids, Illumination. Dicks.

Also, not to be that idiotic white guy who quibbles about demographic casting, but who’s idea was it to have Kumail Nanjiani be the dad duck? I love Nanjiani to death. He’s one of the funniest people in the world, but I can’t imagine any scenario where someone pitches a story about a New England pond duck and the first thought is, “Well, he definitely has to be Pakistani, then!” If ever there was a time to make use of the heavy regional voice, it was here. Hell, if you meet enough people from the area, some of them honest to God sound like they’re quacking.

I just have no desire to see any more of this, though I probably will, as all the first-person (or first-duck) view shots that are clearly there to justify a 3D upcharge surely imply that the film will be submitted for the Oscar for Animated Feature. The official announcement of the eligible entries from the Academy is likely coming in the next week or two, so I’m already resigned to this being on the list, meaning my completist leanings will compel me to hold my nose and prepare for the worst, and I’m not happy about it.

Anyone But You – December 15

Oh goodie, another lame rom-com where both of the main characters are objectively horrible people, but we’re supposed to root for them because they’re attractive. Oh I do hope they end up together and have lots of sexy time… at the bottom of the ocean… with cement shoes and chains around their ankles… that I put there… before I threw them into the water.

Oh they SO deserve love while the rest of us are alone! I’m just so glad that money got spent on this!

The Iron Claw – December 22

I’m gonna let you all in on a little production secret. For the longest time, this was going to be the “winner” of the title of “The Worst Trailer in the World” for December. I even had most of the jokes written, because I’ve had to watch this preview in the theatre about a dozen times over the last month. The story is stupid, as is Zac Efron’s narration, I could have gone my entire life without seeing his bulge, and unless you’re Mickey Rourke and about to die in the ring because you’re basically addicted to it and it’s all you’ve got left, I have absolutely no desire to see the fakest form of entertainment this side of Taylor Swift be romanticized.

So why didn’t it get the YouTube treatment? Sadly, it comes down to a simple trick that the studios are using more and more frequently. Almost the entire video is covered in licensed music, in this case the double rock shot of “(Don’t Fear) The Reaper” and “Tom Sawyer.” Both songs are great, but they make it impossible for me to edit around, and that’s almost certainly intentional.

See, YouTube has an automated system for detecting copyrighted material in a user’s video. There are no humans monitoring the situation, only computers, and when there’s a dispute, the decision lies entirely with the copyright holders. YouTube staff don’t get involved until the final step in the process, when the owners request that a copyright strike be instated and the offending video removed from the platform.

It’s not an exact science, but basically if you use more than 10 consecutive seconds of copyrighted video in your piece (or 15 out of a given 20 seconds), the system will flag it. This is why I usually cut to myself on camera for the reaction jokes, and why they’re typically longer than the clips themselves, to make sure I don’t run afoul of the computer. When it comes to music, however, the allowance is only about five consecutive seconds (or seven out of 10).

When I get a copyright claim, I always dispute, because my usage is explicitly covered under Fair Use guidelines and laws. I am commenting on and parodying the content that I’m showing, which is 100% legal and royalty-free. When I dispute, the owners have 30 days to respond, and if they’re operating in good faith, they always release the claim, especially since I don’t have nearly enough followers to monetize my opinions or humor. That’s what happens in most cases, but every so often, the studio uses its own automated system to universally reject all disputes. At that point, I have to fill out a much more detailed justification for my speech, which again goes back to the copyright holders, who then have seven more days to make a ruling. If they do nothing, the claim expires. But if they deny you twice, then they ask YouTube to strike. Only at that point does a human being working for the platform intervene, and while they’re supposed to be an independent arbiter, more often than not they side with the owners, because in the cases of media companies, it’s their content that brings in the ad revenue. If you get a strike, you can be demonetized, or have any profits from your work sent to the studio instead of you. And if you’re like me and trying to build an audience, you’re prevented from being eligible for monetization for a year. Three strikes, naturally, means your channel is shut down entirely.

I’ve never gotten to that point with any of my video content, though I’ve had my fair share of copyright claims over the last two years. However, the music almost got me a strike earlier this year. When I did my video for 80 for Brady, one of my clips, which lasted six seconds, had a music bed underneath that you can barely hear even in the raw footage, to say nothing of the fact that I used a second track as my personal background on top of it. It was claimed by Universal, and in their eyes, my Fair Use rights didn’t apply, because I wasn’t commenting on the music, but the video. Therefore, I had no valid use, and they tried to strike me. At that point, I dropped my appeal and let the claim stand in order to avoid the penalty. If I ever reach monetization, I probably won’t be able to make anything off of that particular video.

This is why I opted out of The Iron Claw, even though it looks exceptionally terrible as Oscar bait. When 95% of the video has one of two songs underneath it, any clip longer than five seconds would be inviting another headache and copyright fight. And like I said, I’m almost entirely sure that the song usage is for this exact purpose. Studios and media companies – many of which have music publishing subsidiaries – know that using catalog tracks is a loophole around the Fair Use guidelines, so it’s incredibly easy for them to cheaply license a song (especially if they already own it), and put it in the trailer as a backdoor means of preventing any commentary or criticism they don’t approve of.

So yeah, this looks like it’s going to suck out loud, but I didn’t get to make fun of it like I wanted to. As such, I’ll give you a couple of the gags here in print. 1) The trailer opens with Efron narrating that he thinks his family is cursed, and that “mom tried to protect us with God; dad tried to protect us with wrestling.” Makes sense to me, either way it’s fake. 2) A girl asks, “What do you like to do with your brothers?” My only response is, “Butt stuff,” and that thought is reinforced when the shot immediately cuts to the boys disrobing in sync with each other and wrestling in speedos.

***

With that out of the way, it’s time for the last of our 12 “gifts,” the actual designee of “The Worst Trailer in the World… This Month!” I may not have gotten to mock my first choice this time around, but that doesn’t mean there weren’t other candidates. At different points I also considered giving the lambasting to Migration and Wonka before settling on our eventual “winner.”

Aquaman and the Lost Kingdom – December 22

PS. I got a copyright claim on this one, too. One of the jokes that involves picture-in-picture was short enough that I exceeded the 15 seconds out of 20 rule about two minutes in. I’m curious to see how pissy Warner Bros. is going to be about me making fun of just the latest edition of their bullshit. I’m sure David Zaslav is shaking in his boots.

***

Finally, it’s time for a little hot cocoa to go along with the massive yule log I just dropped on you all. It’s time for the final “Redemption Reel” of the year! Over the last two months, we’ve gotten a slew of trailers for just gag-inducingly cringeworthy Christmas movies. Well, here’s one that I don’t necessarily think will be great, but it’s the only one that’s even remotely tolerable.

Candy Cane Lane – December 1

Again, I don’t have the highest of hopes for this, especially since it’s an Amazon movie, but I’ll admit that it won me over by the end of the preview. Things did not start off well, because with Eddie Murphy trying to win a house lighting contest, I started having PTSD flashbacks to Deck the Halls, one of the worst movies I’ve ever seen, holidays be damned.

But around the minute mark, things turn around. Jillian Bell’s impish evil elf villain is something of a delight for the few seconds she’s featured, the cursed dolls are just on the right side of the Uncanny Valley, and the idea that signing a below-average-length CVS receipt as a form of festive Faustian bargain is strangely hilarious to me. The ensuing antics may not be all-timers, but I admit I giggled more than a few times, and again for the small sample size, Eddie Murphy and Tracee Ellis Ross play well off each other.

If nothing else, I’m having a wicked fantasy in my head where Santa Claus turns out to actually be black and it makes Fox News’ collective heads explode. If you don’t know what I’m talking about, look up the video and laugh your ass off, before becoming insanely depressed at how quaint that insanity feels compared to right-wing propaganda now.

***

That’s all for this month. As always, have a great time at the movies, no matter what you see. And most importantly, have a safe and joyous holiday season. Hug your loved ones extra tight. You never know when it’ll be for the last time.

Join the conversation in the comments below! Are you planning to see any of these films? Do you think I was too hard on any of them? Will terrible-yet-hot people ever get a fair shake in life? Let me know!