It’s appropriate that I write this today on Groundhog Day. I mean, what could be more appropriate for a column such as this? It’s a day where idiots cheer for the nonsensical prognostication abilities of a rodent, and in film form it’s a day of torture for a guy named Bill. I mean, that’s this series in a nutshell.
And boy do we have a doozy this time around. I mean, it’s actually kind of impressive. There are sixteen feature films coming to theatres this month, and 12 of them, literally 75% of the output, looks to be some of the most exquisite shit. And that’s just the stuff I accept for consideration in this monthly piece. There are several high-profile projects that didn’t make it in here because they either aren’t rated or aren’t, strictly speaking, films. For example, the most vainglorious, overrated ego in all of entertainment, Jennifer Lopez, is putting out a new album with an accompanying video feature story called – and I’m not joking – This is Me… Now: A Love Story. Yes, because if there’s one thing lacking in her career, it’s her sense of self-worth. Good Christ!
This sadly also infects the good side of the equation. As I was viewing the trailers, a clear favorite stood out to be this month’s “Redemption Reel,” an animated film called Orion and the Dark, which debuted on Netflix today and was written by Charlie Kaufman. It’s an adventure story about a boy who’s afraid of the dark, with the literal concept of darkness showing him that it’s okay to be scared, but that he’s nothing to be scared of. It’s the kind of cerebral story that Kaufman just delivers better than anyone else, and to do it as a children’s movie sounds astonishing. Unfortunately, it’s rated TV-Y7, meaning it is not considered a theatrical film, and therefore does not get included here. Shame, too. I’d have loved to see if it could be an early favorite for Animated Feature next year.
But yeah, given that this is the shortest month of the year, it’s downright amazing that so many terrible movies will be spewing forth from Hollywood’s gullet. I know February can be something of an extended dumping ground, but this is ridiculous. To have only four passable previews is pathetic, especially when you consider that three of them I had to kind of stretch for. Bob Marley: One Love looks alright, but only once you get used to Kingsley Ben-Adir’s impersonation of Marley’s voice. It’s closer than Bradley Cooper’s horrible attempt at Leonard Bernstein, but not by much. Further, action film Lights Out just barely gets through on account of Scott Adkins being in it, and Ordinary Angels is a Christian movie that I could possibly stomach… but it’s still a Christian movie. The pickings are that slim.
So put your little hand in mine, and brace yourself for an onslaught of garbage so odious you’ll want to drive a truck over a cliff with a rat at the helm. This is the February 2024 edition of “This Film is Not Yet Watchable!”
Argylle – February 2
I’m avoiding spoilers because I’ll still probably see this over the weekend simply due to a lack of options, but good Lord this looks awful. This would have been “The Worst Trailer in the World” for this month had the soundtrack not consisted entirely of catalog tracks in the form of David Bowie’s “Let’s Dance” and Elvis Presley’s “Suspicious Minds,” punctuated by strategically edited gunshot sound effects on the beats, which Matthew Vaughn somehow thinks is clever despite it falling out of style some 15 years ago.
From the opening moment, you can’t take anything seriously, as Dua Lipa dances with Henry Cavill before cornering him with the all-timer cliché line of “We’re not so different.” In this case it’s fairly accurate, at least. She’s only here because of her tits, and he is a tit.
None of the action looks the least bit convincing, the CGI cat is an abomination, and all of the dialogue is insipid, right down to Catherine O’Hara worrying that Bryce Dallas Howard is taking drugs. It has a stellar cast, I’ll grant, but that’s pretty much all it has going for it, and even then you can tell that Sam Rockwell and Bryan Cranston are slumming it.
The trailer’s been on constant rotation since fucking September, and Vaughn has been on the warpath to create a marketing campaign around the “secret” of who the “real” Agent Argylle is. The problem is, given the parameters he’s set in this plot – about a spy novel writer whose stories turn out to be true in the actual world of covert ops – there are only so many possible outcomes, all of which are predictable. He uses a tagline of “Once you know the secret, don’t let the cat out of the bag,” and since half the shots show a literal cat in a bag, clearly the cat is involved somehow. Maybe it has a camera in its collar or something, kind of like the galaxy in Men in Black. More than likely, Argylle is probably BDH herself, maybe under deep cover or unearthing suppressed memories or some shit. And because it’s Matthew Vaughn, and everything has to be connected, I’m sure this will tie back into Kingsman in some stupid way.
These are all just guesses, but even if I’m wrong, they illustrate the real problem. We can’t come up with an original thought, just shinier packaging for the same old contrivances we’ve all seen a thousand times. It’s exacerbated by people like Vaughn who think they’re far wittier than they actually are. Trust me, I’m the same way. We recognize our own.
Maybe there’ll still be some campy fun to be had, but given its Rotten Tomatoes score (35% as of today), my hopes are not high.
The Tiger’s Apprentice – February 2
Four things:
1) Stop with the dead relatives as motivation in a kids movie.
2) If a middle-aged man tells you he’s been watching you your entire life, call the police. If he says he’s part of the Chinese zodiac, run.
3) Dreamworks needs to call their lawyers for this obvious Kung-Fu Panda ripoff.
4) Michelle Yeoh, YOU ARE BETTER THAN THIS! YOU HAVE AN OSCAR TO PROVE IT! How is she lowering herself even more here than she did in Minions?
Scrambled – February 2
This is your friendly reminder that just because something makes it into a film festival, it doesn’t mean it’s good. This looks to be one of the lamest, most regressive movies I’ve seen in a while. The practice of freezing and retrieving eggs as a form of family planning is a subject worth exploring, but not like this. I know this is partially based on writer/director/star Leah McKendrick’s own experiences, and that’s probably the lone saving grace, because everything else in this trailer looks like a cheap and stupid blending of 27 Dresses and Look Who’s Talking.
McKendrick plays a woman whose bridesmaid and baby shower gimmicks are “legendary,” but she’s never the one being celebrated. Boo-fucking-hoo. She’s *gasp* 34 years old and hasn’t found a man yet! Perish the thought! Remember ladies, your entire existence is validated through childbirth!
All of this plays like a “self-love” rom-com, which is just painful. She can’t find a partner, so she considers freezing her eggs until such time as she does, because that old biological clock is ticking. I don’t know, have you maybe, possibly, considered dating a guy for reasons other than his looks? I don’t see anyone other than a model in that “All-You-Can-Eat Buffet” you describe. Maybe come down off that pedestal and give someone other than an Adonis a chance?
And before anyone screams “SEXIST,” know that my criticism comes from a place of honesty. I’m 41. I’ve wanted to be a dad my entire adult life. Realistically, it may never happen. It’s been nearly four years since my last relationship ended, and with each passing year it becomes harder and harder to meet women, because the older I get, the creepier women of a child-bearing age find me. I’ve never dated a “hottie,” and I probably never will. I accepted that when I was 15, and as such I genuinely look for more lasting qualities in a potential partner, but so far it hasn’t worked out. Where’s my movie? Oh wait, it already came out. It was Together Together, and apparently the solution is to pay a woman to be a surrogate for a child I raise myself. Great. Or maybe I could donate or sell some sperm, so that some other couple can conceive with my help, and at least I’ll know I’ve made someone else’s life better and carried on my bloodline in the process? Oh wait, I wouldn’t pass the rigorous screening process to even be allowed to jizz in a cup because I’m a diabetic, and I’m considered too ugly to even get a photo in the binder. Trust me, I’ve looked into it. So forgive me if I’m less than sympathetic to a person who won’t pick one of her myriad options when I’ve spent the last 15 years not being an option at all!
But please, do go on with your fantasy and your shitty Hailee Steinfeld masturbation song. Surely some man will put up with your degrading generalizations of our entire gender and be “worthy” of you, and you won’t have to consider fixing any of your flaws at all. Empowerment!
A Nashville Wish – February 2
You know your project is scraping the bottom of the barrel when the studio doesn’t bother to put the trailer on its own YouTube channel until a day before release… and they label it as “Trailer 2” despite there being no “Trailer 1.”
Anyway, an aww shucks good ol’ boy has himself some country music dreams. Then he just so happens to meet the perfect l’il missy, a cheerleader. But gall durnit if she don’t like country music none, even though it’s all about Jesus and how great it is to be in ‘Murica! So what’s a boy to do? Chase his them thar dreams or give it all up fer that purty young thing what’s caught his eye?
These are the problems you have when your IQ is smaller than your shoe size. Clearly it’s impossible to have both, and obviously a girl you meet when you’re 17 is totally going to be the one. It’s “written in the stars” as the boy’s yokel… I’m guessing dad?… points out. Surely there’s no other way. If only there was a dog, some beer, and a pickup truck to make this all worthwhile.
Seriously, even if you like country, this has got to be some the most pandering, stereotypical bullshit ever.
Lisa Frankenstein – February 9
I like Diablo Cody. She caught lightning in a bottle with Juno, which remains one of my all-time favorite films, gaining even more meaning since Elliot Page’s transition, Tully was an underrated gem, and even though I didn’t like it, Jennifer’s Body has gained a cult following. She’s immensely talented, but I think the sheen is starting to wear off, and Lisa Frankenstein looks like an absolute dud.
I have the same core problem with the main character (Kathryn Newton) as I do with the one from Scrambled. Rather than just date a real guy of quality who might not have the most chiseled figure and face on the planet, she goes to extreme measures to maintain her own shallowness. At least this has some creativity in the form of the 80s throwbacks and general Beetlejuice vibe, so it’s not patently insulting to guys like me who try to show what we have to offer on a daily basis, but it’s not exactly reassuring either.
Really, the core issue lies with the underlying concept. Unable to find a suitable suitor, Lisa reanimates a corpse (Cole Sprouse) and tries to mold him into the perfect man. Okay, that’s a good premise for a comedy sketch, not a 90-minute-plus movie. So how do we stretch it out? Murder. And eye-rolling references to a “goth phase.” Sorry, there’s just not enough there to justify a feature from what I see. It looks stylish enough, but that only buys you maybe five more minutes before the novelty wears off. Maybe I’ll be proven wrong, but since this is a Valentine’s Day movie, and I am a dateless loser, I’ll have to go dig up a dead body of my own, but I’m guessing that’d be frowned upon. Double standard much?
Upgraded – February 9
What’s worse than The Devil Wears Prada? Doing it as a cheesy rom-com with a “Liar Revealed” plot because some hot girl who totally deserves the world sits in First Class one time! I have now spent more thought on this movie than everyone who worked on it.
Suncoast – February 9
A teenage girl has a disabled and dying brother, and she’s jealous because her mother is paying attention to him as he dies. So what does she do? She lends out her house to her classmates so they can throw a rager in hopes of becoming more popular and hooking up with hot guys!
You know what I like about this story? It’s relatable.
Seriously, every single one of these kids should be gutted by Jason Voorhees.
Air Force One Down – February 9
I don’t know what’s worse about this trailer, the fact that an untested Secret Service agent gets to guard the President on what appears to be her first assignment, the fact that no one checked on the other agent to see why he didn’t show up, the fact that Harrison Ford did this same story better 25 years ago, or the fact that the audio mixing on the trailer itself is so bad that you can hardly hear a word anyone’s saying.
I’m running on fumes here, people
Land of Bad – February 16
Again with the rookies somehow being the only ones capable of saving the day. Just once can’t we have someone who trains on a schedule, goes through the proper channels, and earns the trust of the audience instead of just being played by the biggest star in the cast?
I will say this for the movie, because I’m desperate for anything to keep me sane, the idea of Russell Crowe as a drone pilot is an interesting one. He gets to take on something of a mentor role to Liam Hemsworth, and since he’s in a remote (and hopefully secure) location, it’s not a given that he’s going to die needlessly for manufactured pathos. I’ll take what I can get at this point.
Also the title is so dumb it makes me chuckle. It’s like a caveman wrote it.
No Way Up – February 16
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
*deep, raspy intake of breath*
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
It’s Sharks on a Plane! It’s The Poseidon Adventure… with Sharks! Oh my god I can’t stop laughing! And poor Colm Meaney has to guide an ungrateful brat to her salvation, because somehow they’re at the bottom of the sea but not being crushed by water pressure. And it’s made by “Altitude Pictures!” Oh the hateful fucking irony! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
*exhale* Oh, wow, I needed that. So where’s the real movie?
Oh.
Mea Culpa – February 23
I was close. You guys, I was so, so close. I was almost ready to recommend a Tyler Perry movie. The trailer for Mea Culpa starts out promisingly enough, with Kelly Rowland playing a lawyer defending an accused murderer (Trevante Rhodes) who seems to be multi-layered, particularly when it comes to his talents as an artist. The potential was there for a deep character exploration into a complex mind, sussing out whether or not this man was indeed a killer, a tortured soul, or both.
And then they fucked.
Out. Get the fuck out!
I’m sorry, how is anyone supposed to take this seriously? If a lawyer fucks their client, that is grounds for disbarment. It may not be enforced that often, but it is a severe violation of Bar Association ethics codes. It gets even worse in this context, because literally everyone around Rowland’s character is telling her not to get too close to this defendant, warning her that he’s psychotic and dangerous. But because this is a woman in a Tyler Perry movie (and I mean an actual woman, not Perry himself in a fat suit), she’s naive to the point of stupidity, probably because she hasn’t found Jesus yet, and as such her life may be in catastrophic danger because she succumbed to temptation that shouldn’t even exist.
Why do people give this guy money?
***
I know I rushed through a lot of these, but only because there was so much shit to wade through, and boy are my arms tired. Anyway, it’s time for the absolute rock bottom of February, “The Worst Trailer in the World.” I mentioned that for a while Argylle was going to be the pick, but I ended up passing on it due to the commercial music underneath, which would be instantly copyright claimed if I used it. Thankfully there was an option that was just as bad – if not worse – that also had a catalog track, but it was much easier to get around it in the edit.
Now if we could just get around Sony’s continued bastardization of a beloved franchise.
Madame Web – February 14
You know that urban legend about everyone swallowing eight spiders in their sleep each year? I’d gladly do that while wide awake if it would prevent this movie from existing.
***
Finally, as always, we end on the most positive note we can, the “Redemption Reel.” I mentioned three of the four passable flicks for February at the beginning of the column, all of which made it through with some caveats. Because of this, the “winner” for this month is basically by default. But I am actually looking forward to seeing it.
Drive-Away Dolls – February 23
I get a distinct Nice Guys vibe from this trailer (with a dash of Pulp Fiction), a type of bonkers crime comedy misadventure driven by the charisma of the leads. Geraldine Viswanathan was fun in Blockers a few years ago, and Margaret Qualley is quickly becoming a bona-fide superstar. Add in Beanie Feldstein, Matt Damon, Colman Domingo, and Pedro Pascal, and you’ve got the most promising ensemble cast of the year so far. If nothing else, I’ll be curious to see how Ethan Coen controls the chaos.
As for the story, I kind of love the idea of two lesbians travelling to Florida and bringing Hell with them. It’s like Ron DeSantis’ worst nightmare was put onto the screen, and I can’t think of anyone more deserving of having his deepest fears come to fruition. No, it’s not whatever’s in the briefcase, it’s gay women who proudly declare themselves Democrats like it’s a threat.
I’ve seen this trailer a few times, and it may end up just being a brief lark, but solid R-rated comedies are rare these days, and even if this turns out to suck, I get the feeling I may get a few decent chuckles along the way. Of the 16 films being released this month, this looks to be the only entry that shows any real potential.
***
That’s all for this month, folks. As always, enjoy your time at the movies, no matter what you see, and pray for me as I wend my way through the busiest five weeks of the year! The Oscar Blitz resumes on Monday!
Join the conversation in the comments below! Are you planning on seeing any of these films? Was I too hard on any of them? Why can’t Colm Meaney just transport the sharks away from the plane, or better yet, transport the plane to safety (the bratty teen can still get eaten, though, no loss there)? Let me know! And remember, you can follow me on Twitter (fuck “X”) and YouTube for even more content!
I Actually Paid To See This 