Let’s face facts, folks. The first two months of this year have been grim from a movie standpoint. January and February typically aren’t bastions of quality, mind you, but usually there’s something to latch onto as a genuine hit, perhaps even a surprising one. To say that this has not been the case in 2024 would be the understatement of this young calendar. Not a single mainstream release has achieved “Certified Fresh” status on Rotten Tomatoes yet, and most have been downright dreadful, with the only enjoyment coming from unintentional and camp humor in films billed as something more serious.
Thankfully, the spring brings with it renewed hope, as March looks exponentially better. The month begins on Friday with the long-awaited release of Dune: Part Two, which already has a 97% rating based on advance reviews, the very promising Problemista looks to satisfy the thirst for good indie fare, and Ghostbusters: Frozen Empire offers a massive chance at some good vibes as the original film approaches its 40th anniversary later this year. Things are certainly looking up.
However, we still do have our usual parade of shit to wade through. Fortunately, it’s not nearly as bad as it has been the last couple of months. We have 10 total films earning their dubious place in this column, but that’s out of 28 commercial releases for which I found trailers. It’s a nearly 2:1 ratio of good to bad this month, which is reassuring.
So what did make it into the column this month? Well, it’s a mixed bag. We’ve got sequels no one really needed, a remake absolutely no one asked for, and the return of a performer that we all kind of wished would stay away. And that’s just the tip of the shitberg. So fasten your seatbelts, folks. We’re about to come in like a lion. This is the March 2024 edition of “This Film is Not Yet Watchable!”
Outlaw Posse – March 1
I’m glad Mario Van Peebles is back behind the camera. He hasn’t directed a feature film in six years (Armed, a flick so few people saw that it doesn’t even have a Rotten Tomatoes rating, but two of the three critics who reviewed it were unimpressed). I just wish it was on a better project. Because I guarantee you no one wanted Outlaw Posse.
I mean, it’s a freaking heist movie disguised as a western. Who in their right mind thinks this is a good idea? It doesn’t even look to be subverting any conventions, as half the trailer is a montage of recruiting the crew. And what are we stealing? Confederate gold, because we just can’t look at the Old West and rely on our own knowledge of history to know that racism was part of the equation. We need to be bludgeoned across the head with gold bars of prejudice. If you’re going to be this obvious about it, at least do it in a funny way like Blazing Saddles or something!
And while I can’t really blame any actor for taking a role, have you ever seen two people look as out of place as Cedric the Entertainer and Whoopi Goldberg in this? I love them both dearly. They’re among the greatest comic forces of their generations, and they can show off some dramatic range when needed. But you can tell they are just sleepwalking through their dialogue, and it just feels painful to watch. Mario Van Peebles has done a lot to escape his father’s long, influential shadow, but this looks like an absolute misfire in the making.
Kung Fu Panda 4 – March 8
I really liked the Kung Fu Panda trilogy. It was well written, beautifully animated, filled with interesting characters, and while some didn’t get the spotlight they deserved (Monkey and Crane chief among them), it all came together in a richly balanced display of poignant thought and kiddie humor. So you can imagine that I was a bit skeptical about the idea of a fourth installment, especially since everything wrapped up so nicely after the last movie.
But hey, maybe it can work. I see and hear Jack Black’s beloved Po, there’s Dustin Hoffman as Master Shifu, oddly his most endearing role, and… uh… where are the Furious Five? They’re nowhere to be seen here, and according to the filmmakers, they’re off on a “side mission,” where we’ll only get a “glimpse” of them.
So who fights alongside Po in their place?
Oh god dammit.
It’s Misspelled Bottled Water.
Hollywood, I have a legitimate question for you. Are you in fact aware that there are other young Asian actresses out there? Ones who don’t have annoying voices? Ones who are legitimately funny? Ones who would kill to get even one of the dozens of roles you just toss to MBW every year? You do know they exist, right? You have other options. Just watch EEAAO or Joy Ride if you don’t believe me.
But no, here we go again. And oh goodie, Po has to train a “new” Dragon Warrior (has there been any timeline in this series for a large amount of years elapsing to the point where Po needs to pass the torch?), and of course it’s going to be Awkwafina playing a pickpocketing fox, because apparently someone heard her voice while watching the Boss Baby thieves from Raya and the Last Dragon and thought it’d be brilliant to combine the two. And we’ll be stuck with her for the duration. Yay.
Why can we never just let something end and leave it alone? Why do we insist on trying to get blood from a stone, especially in a way that’s just a naked attempt to market toys while sidelining half the characters we grew to love so much for more than a decade? If this somehow turns into a masterpiece I’ll enjoy some delicious crow, but you’re giving me absolutely no confidence that this franchise should have been resurrected.
Oh, and of course the villain says, “We’re not so different,” which is an automatic fail at this point.
Ricky Stanicky – March 8
I took something of a personal victory lap after I named Freelance as “The Worst Trailer in the World” for October, as that piece of garbage opened to a 0% rating on Rotten Tomatoes. It eventually got to 6% based on two lukewarm reviews, both more than a month after it was released, and one of them coming from Thailand. The only reason I didn’t scream my victory from the rooftops is because I tried to hedge a little bit and say that it didn’t look “that bad,” when it clearly was.
But that dreck looks like a freaking masterpiece next to John Cena’s follow-up, the horrendously outdated Ricky Stanicky. A movie seemingly engineered to make audiences cancel their Amazon subscriptions (especially after they jacked up the price to avoid ads), this misogynistic dude-bro trash is wholly ill-conceived from beginning to end, at least based on this preview, which I remind my readers is intended to highlight the better points of the movie as a selling point.
In this monstrosity, a group of friends use the convenient excuse of their made-up ailing friend Ricky to get out of family and relationship obligations in order to spend weekends with each other doing “guy stuff.” Somehow, despite all logic, reason, social media, and the pure absurdity of this fictional person’s name, they have gotten away with this grift for years. When their cover is nearly blown by *checks notes* the birth of one of their children, they decide not to tell their wives the truth, but to double down on the decades old lie by hiring a male stripper to stand in, and of course he does the job so well that he decides to become Ricky Stanicky for real.
This looks offensive on every conceivable level. It’s a bad sitcom plot stretched to feature length. The jokes are sophomoric at best. The way they’re misusing William H. Macy should be a violation of the Geneva Conventions. Everything relies on stereotypes about married life and nagging women. And of course, the ruse happens because these boys (they are NOT men) are too afraid of their wives to be honest with them, fearing their marriages will be over if they come clean. Well guess what, asshole, you don’t deserve to be married if you’re going to keep a secret like that from the person you’ve committed your life to, who just bore you a child while you were off partying on false pretenses. Have the balls to be honest with your partner and just say that you and your friends need some time to yourselves every once in a while, just like she probably needs time with her girlfriends. If you willingly married and impregnated someone you were actively lying to for years, you deserve whatever karmic bitch slap is coming to you. I feel no sympathy for you whatsoever.
Damsel – March 8
Remember when I named The Princess as the “Redemption Reel” back in 2022? Remember how it turned out to be spectacularly, laughably bad? Yeah, I’m not making the same mistake again. Netflix’s Damsel doesn’t seem so obviously wrong, but there are some definite red flags, and I’m not taking my chances.
First problem? Millie Bobby Brown. Well, technically not her, specifically, but her in any Netflix movie. Just because Stranger Things was a success, for some reason the Big Red N thinks she should be in at least one shitshow movie per year, and that she should be a badass for no discernible reason. Just like with the Enola Holmes nonsense, she’s playing a character who succeeds where others have failed simply because the script says so. This trailer shows her preparing for a royal wedding, before she’s tossed off a bridge into a chasm that contains a dragon den, where she is to be sacrificed like apparently many other princesses before her. But somehow, despite giving us no evidence of any remarkable personality or skill, she will emerge triumphant and get revenge on those who wronged her. Also like Enola Holmes, she’ll probably not have to actually do any of the work, and will have the solution handed to her by plot bots.
Second, while I know Netflix doesn’t have the effects budgets of the major studios, all of this CGI looks like a bunch of bullshit. Part of the thrill of great effects is being able to suspend your disbelief and think that what you’re seeing on screen is actually there. It doesn’t have to be realistic, per se, but the environment has to be such where you can convince yourself that a real person could interact with these creatures. None of that happens here, and it’s compounded by having the majority of the effects be in the dark, which is an instant tell that they aren’t at all good. If the film is too scared to show the monster in full light, your attention should go elsewhere. But hey, somehow a castle can cast a two-mile shadow!
Third, if you’re in a movie and you see people in fancy ceremonial masks, just run at this point. The odds of this being an Eyes Wide Shut orgy are about 1 in 20,000. Everything else is evil cult shit. Just look at one mask, declare, “Nope,” and turn the other direction. Problem solved, movie over, brain cells remain intact. USA! USA! USA!
Cabrini – March 8
Francesca Cabrini is the patron saint of immigrants in the Catholic Church. She was the first American citizen to be canonized, and was known for her missionary work and the construction of several charity houses to serve neglected communities, particularly in an age of anti-immigration sentiment. You’d figure that, given the xenophobia fomented by one of our country’s major political parties and its indicted leader, that this would be a great opportunity for a nuanced look at faith and good works that could resonate with today’s audiences.
Instead, the trailer beats you over the head with two facts. She’s Italian. And she’s a woman. That’s all that matters. We even get to see the otherwise brilliant John Lithgow say, “It’s a shame you’re a woman. You would have made an excellent man.” Kill me.
Oh, and just to seal in how bad this is going to be, it’s directed by the guy who did Sound of Freedom. You remember that, right? The movie that came out of nowhere last year to be a blockbuster hit because a bunch of MAGAts and QAnutjobs turned to it as their “proof” that they were going to save the world from child traffickers, even though it was funded by one? Yeah, if I made that shit, I would remove it from my IMDB page instantly. That’s not a selling point, it’s a confession.
Road House – March 22
Let’s set aside the fact that no one in the history of mankind would think that a Road House remake is a good idea. Let’s ignore the fact that Patrick Swayze is likely spinning in his grave so fast that he’s generating electricity. Let’s even let slide the fact that Jake Gyllenhaal has finally made a worse looking film than The Day After Tomorrow. You want to know why this will be utterly unwatchable? Two words: Conor fucking McGregor.
For those who don’t know, Conor McGregor was, for a time, the biggest draw in mixed martial arts. He was like a pro wrestling heel, always talking smack, but he could always back it up, clobbering opponents into the ground in a matter of seconds. I think he still holds the record for the fastest knockout in UFC history. I was a fan of his for a long time, because he weirdly represented the chip on every Irishman’s shoulder on the world stage. He was a showman, a TV villain, but one you could root for.
But then things started going south real fast. He’s been arrested multiple times. He’s been accused on several occasions of sexual assault. He staged a patsy boxing match for show so he could lose to Floyd Mayweather, perhaps the only professional athlete more odious than him on a regular basis. He’s become a symbol of every poor decision a man can make once he’s gotten too much money and fame with no one to call him on his bullshit.
He plays the villain in this movie. He’s not playing himself, mind you, he’s playing a crime boss by the name of Knox (because subtlety is for cucks). He’s doing this in a movie where Gyllenhaal plays a former UFC fighter, and which has scenes staged at UFC events. We’re meant to watch this and pretend that Jake Gyllenhaal is a UFC fighter, but Conor McGregor isn’t. Fuck entirely off with that horseshit! No matter how bad the rest of the movie will be – and it WILL be bad – nothing can overcome that level of stupidity, short of CTE.
Sleeping Dogs – March 22
Speaking of brain injuries, here’s Russell Crowe as a detective with Alzheimer’s solving a cold case he might have fucked up when he still had his mental faculties. I just can’t. My brain hurts just looking at this. It’s like they saw what’s happening to Bruce Willis in the real world and though it’d be a hilarious premise for an actual thriller. This man has an Academy Award!
“People kill for a lot of reasons,” says Crowe, using one of about 800 different accents at various points in the trailer. I can think of one really good one right about now.
Peter Five Eight – March 22
No. Just no. You’re kidding me, right? Someone actually gave Kevin Spacey a job. And he’s playing a contract killer. And he actually says, “I think we both know that involving the police isn’t in your best interest.” This is real. I’m not hallucinating. And neither are you. But apparently Invincible Entertainment and director Michael Zaiko Hall are. WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!
Look, I know the civil cases against Spacey were dismissed, and I know he was acquitted of criminal charges in the UK, but for the love of God, stay the fuck away. He beat the charges, but that doesn’t mean he’s innocent. It just means he’s not going to jail. He’s made more money than he can ever dream of, and no one wants anything to do with him. At minimum he should just stay out of the spotlight for a couple of years, let enough time pass so that maybe some of the general public might be willing to forgive him and move on.
What you don’t do is immediately star in a hastily-made bit of action shlock where you’re clearly the bad guy, telling potential victims not to go to the authorities! How did anybody sign off on this? Have you no decency, Invincible Entertainment? This’d be like casting Mel Gibson as Moses! The hell is wrong with you?
Free Time – March 22
Here now is a reminder that just because someone makes a quirky independent movie, it doesn’t mean that it’s worth your time. This is literally a story about a Gen Z brat deciding to quit his job so he can live his life, only to learn that, hey, you still have financial obligations which require income! Who would have ever thought?
I think this is meant to be some sort of satire on the more sedentary aspects of the younger generation, how they waste the time that they have by looking at phones and not engaging with the world around them, but really it just smacks of entitlement. This kid thinks he’s owed a massive amount of leisure time without working for it, and that’s just not how anything works. Yes, the corporate world is a hellscape, and yes, it should be much easier to maintain a healthy balance between your work life and your actual life. But you’re in no position to just demand it without thinking about the consequences. That’s what this story basically fails to acknowledge until it’s too late.
I’ve never lived in New York City, mostly because I knew I’d never survive. I’m not a social butterfly, so hustling and schmoozing and “faking it” in attempt to afford a $3,000 per month shoe closet would have been tant amount to suicide. That’s why I did what I could do while still living at home until I could secure a stable job at ESPN and move away, then I worked there for eight years before I could afford to move to Los Angeles and pursue my ambitions with full heart… and I STILL struggle year to year! Imagine if I tried to do that clean out of college. I’d either be dead or homeless by now. Yes, I gave far too much of myself to ESPN, to the point where I missed out on my 20s, so believe me when I say that I empathize with this character’s core concern. But I still made my efforts. I did my best to carve out the moments of bliss. It wasn’t nearly all I wanted, but I was able to survive and even thrive for a while in spite of it all. It’s not an ideal tradeoff, but it’s one I’ve made peace with. The fact that this kid is presented as utterly incapable of that does not make for compelling entertainment. It just makes you want to scream, “SUCK IT UP, BUTTERCUP!” at the screen.
***
With that, we come to the stems and seeds of March’s skunky supply, “The Worst Trailer in the World!” For this month’s entry, it was an obvious choice, as yet another tired franchise in yet another failed “cinematic universe” forces yet another awful-looking CGI glut down our throats. This time it’s made even worse than normal, as it’s compounded by the fact that we just had a masterpiece with the same core property.
Godzilla x Kong: The New Empire – March 29
Exactly what “empire” is this “new empire” replacing? We’ve had four movies in this series, and apart from King of the Monsters, there wasn’t even a hint of some kind of societal hierarchy. Learn how words work, dumbasses!
***
Finally, let’s end as we always do on a high and hopeful note with this month’s “Redemption Reel.” As I mentioned earlier, 18 of the 28 releases this month at least show some promise, with several looking like guaranteed hits. So I don’t really feel the need to endorse any of the big boys. Instead, here’s a project that might get overlooked, but it feels like it’ll be a delight.
American Dreamer – March 8
You all should know by now that I’m a huge fan of Peter Dinklage. Even when he’s in bad movies, he’s often the best part. If we never get another book, or an apology for Season 8, I will always be grateful that Game of Thrones exists just because it made Dinklage into a superstar.
With American Dreamer, he appears to be in his element, cleverly pointing out the unfairness of the world in his trademark dark comedic manner, raging against the absurd with his own brand of absurdity. In this case, it’s a “too good to be true” living situation where he agrees to buy a house for well below market value, on the condition that its elderly owner (Shirley MacLaine) gets to keep living there for the rest of her days. When she passes on, he inherits the house, as she has no children of her own.
Except she very much does have adult offspring, and they’re nightmares. The story is apparently based on a segment from NPR’s This American Life, but seeing the trailer, I was instantly reminded of Hugh Hefner’s conditions when he sold the Playboy Mansion. He too put his crowning achievement on the market with the caveat that he continue to live out his days there. Obviously there’s no grotto or bunnies in this proposal, but the basics align.
Boasting a great comedic cast including Matt Dillon and Danny Glover, this looks to be an absolute low-key hoot. You can’t help but get flashbacks to Tyrion Lannister as you watch Dinklage pour a glass of wine to the top. And most importantly, the meditation on the so-called “American Dream” appears to be biting and essential.
I can speak to this from first- and second-hand experience. My mom considered her version of the dream to be owning her own home and seeing her kids get a better education than her. She definitely got the latter part, but she never paid off her house, and it was in deep disrepair before she went into the nursing home. My sister just appeared in court to make it clear we aren’t contesting the bank foreclosing on the property, as mom’s 20 years of paying her mortgage somehow didn’t make a dent in the principal balance. As for me, I make decent money most of the time, but I’ve already conceded that I’ll never own a house, not unless I become a millionaire. The housing market, especially in this city, has priced everyone outside of the top 5% of earners out of the possibility. The best I can ever hope for is a decently-priced apartment where I can eventually share the rent with a girlfriend or wife, and even that looks like a long shot at this point. There’s a reason why there are over 180,000 homeless in California, and it’s not because they’re lazy. It’s because our society somehow doesn’t accept the idea that the basic human need of shelter should not be allowed to be a profit motive, and there will ALWAYS be some rich trouser stain willing to pay what “the market will bear” just to keep everyone else out.
So yeah, a few well-earned shots at that paradigm will likely be quite cathartic.
***
That’s all for this month, everyone. As always, enjoy your time at the cinema, no matter what you see, and keep it locked here as I wrap up the Oscar Blitz over the next two weeks!
Join the conversation in the comments below! Do you plan to see any of these films? Was I too hard on any of them? How exactly do you keep a fake person secret for 25 years without any mishaps? Let me know! And remember, you can follow me onĀ TwitterĀ (fuck āXā) andĀ YouTubeĀ for even more content!
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