This Film Is Not Yet Watchable – March 2025

Life is, if nothing else, a continuous learning experience. That old adage of picking up new information every day might be trite, but it’s also extremely accurate. For example, I just found out today that I’ve been doing the title of this column wrong for all these years. I’m supposed to capitalize “Is” because despite the word’s shortness, it is a verb, and thus most style guides require an upper-case “I” for the headline. You’d figure that being a grammar dork all my life I’d know that rule by heart, but no. I must have forgotten it at some point, or never knew it at all. Well, it’s fixed now, and for all time.

You know what else you learn as time goes on? You find that the universe has odd ways of working itself out. I just spent the last 40+ days doing the Oscar Blitz, celebrating all the best that the film industry has to offer, and while there were some outstanding movies that I’ll treasure forever in that mix, a lot of the output was average at best, and far too much garbage was churned out over the course of 2024.

So what does Hollywood do? Keep the trash fire burning, that’s what! After relatively light months in January and February, the cinematic machine has kicked into overdrive for March, and boy do we have a lot of slurry to slog through. We have a whopping 18 trailers awful enough to earn a spot in the column this month, double what we had last time around. Given that the first two months of the year are basically dumping grounds, I had hoped that the somewhat low volume would portend an improvement in content for the year. We’ve already had genuinely great entries in the forms of Companion and Jazzy, as well as some harmless fun with Dog Man. Even films that I put in the column for having bad previews, like Bridget Jones 4 and One of Them Days, turned out to be pretty decent, winning over critics and audiences. But the laws of averages can’t save 18 putrid entries, especially when they just slightly outweigh the 17 projects that passed the initial smell test. And of course, despite the pleas from Sean Baker and Conan O’Brien at the Oscars this past Sunday, a fair amount of the bullshit is streaming service fodder that was clearly not good enough to release, but still got MPAA ratings as if they were actual films.

Maybe things will calm down as winter gives way to spring. If the grade school tautology I mentioned above can still be true, maybe the whole “in like a lion, out like a lamb” one will prove itself out as well, and come April we’ll have much more quality on our hands. For now, though, they remain stained with cocky doodoo feces, so strap in and hold your nose.

This is the newly grammatically correct March 2025 edition of “This Film Is Not Yet Watchable!”

In the Lost Lands – March 7

There were a lot of lessons to be gleaned from terrible films like Borderlands and Rebel Moon. None of them was “we should do it again, only with cheaper CGI and more mud than a day spa.” This is billed as being “from the mind of George R.R. Martin,” and they think that’s an enticement. All it really means is that this is yet another lark that’s in existence rather than finishing The Winds of Winter. I know you can’t rush creativity, and yes, I know the original story was written long before A Song of Ice and Fire, but you have to realize that any mention of that man’s name these days isn’t going to be met with fawning praise, but rather a collective whinge of “Where’s Book Six?”

Also, this is a Paul W.S. Anderson movie, so that basically means two things automatically. One, it probably stars his wife, Milla Jovovich (and it does), and two, it will suck copious ass. The man has only directed two films that were even remotely enjoyable, Event Horizon and the original Mortal Kombat movie, and both of them only succeeded on pure 90s camp value. Apart from that, what is there? Pompeii? Monster Hunter? Death Race? The entire god-awful Resident Evil franchise? Yeah, that’s what I thought. I mean, for God’s sake just listen to the line readings in the preview alone. He somehow made Dave Bautista seem wooden and uninteresting. That takes more anti-talent than any one man should possess without being named Donald Trump or Elon Musk.

Just in case the trailer didn’t convince you that this was not for the faint of heart or those capable of thought, the review embargo was lifted today, and the flick has an 18% rating on Rotten Tomatoes. If it walks like a duck covered in shit and talks like a duck covered in shit…

F*** Marry Kill – March 7

Okay, for my next trick, I’m going to draw random things out of this hat and make a movie out of them.

*presents hat, digs around*

All right, we’ve got annoying, clueless chicks.

*digs again*

Hmm, true crime podcasts, the hallmark of the basic bitch.

*digs once more*

Rom-com tropes…

*one more dig*

Aaaaand MODELS THAT ARE SOMEHOW UNLUCKY IN LOVE USING DATING APPS TO CONNECT WITH OTHER MODELS SOMEHOW UNLUCKY IN LOVE!

Now, to wave my magic wand, and create the dumbest concept for a film this year.

*waves a stick, makes silly noises to pretend magic is happening*

And there we have it! I even named it F*** Marry Kill to make it sound like we’re being edgy! I’ll take my $50 million now, please.

Also notice in the bottom right of the video’s thumbnail. This was supposed to be released back in December, but Lionsgate pushed it to this weekend, ostensibly to coincide with international releases, but we all know it was so the thing could be buried by Mickey 17. However, as they are in all things, Lionsgate was so incompetent that they didn’t inform their VOD partners (as this movie is sure to be so bad that it was scheduled for a simultaneous theatrical run and streaming release), so it was temporarily available to rent or purchase three months ago. Can these fools do anything right?

Queen of the Ring – March 7

Somehow, someone thought The Iron Claw was worth more than the match to burn the reels, and then said to themselves, Hmm, what if we do it with a lady? And thus, Queen of the Ring was born. Based on the life of Mildred Burke, who is apparently a legend in the world’s fakest sport, the preview looks like a direct clone of the Zac Efron schlockfest, right down to the sepia gradient filter placed on the camera.

I’m not saying it will be bad. Obviously films like these have an audience, and when those people are done fucking their cousins and cheering for the destruction of all their government services to make sure 12 transgender kids can’t play actual sports, I’m sure they’ll enjoy it. But as an outside viewer, this is nothing but tired sports movie clichés for their own sake, all in service of something inherently artificial and stupid. It’s not that it can’t be entertaining, it’s just that this form of it does nothing to convince me that it is.

Black Bag – March 14

You know what was missing from Mr. and Mrs. Smith? Talking. There should have been so much more talking rather than action and sex appeal. That’s where the real money is, in the talking!

Despite the derivative nature, I had high hopes for Black Bag when I saw the cast list (Cate Blanchett, Michael Fassbender, Pierce Brosnan, etc.) and that Steven Soderbergh was directing. If there’s one mainstream filmmaker who can playfully toy with such a tired genre, it’s him.

But then I watched this trailer and heard all the trite dialogue we’ve heard in every single film ever made in this style. “This is a dangerous line of work.” “Would you kill for me?” “I don’t like liars.” “I can feel when you’re watching me. I like it.” “FIND THE LEAK!” “One of our people stole something extremely valuable.” “We have a breach.” “Who’s the suspect?/Your wife.” “This has to be unofficial.” It’s all been done to death. And then, at the very end, it all makes sense when you see that David Koepp wrote the script.

Espionage movies are usually dull anyway, but I’m amazed how well this succeeds in trying to be boring. For the entire runtime of the trailer, there’s only one scene of any action (an exploding jeep, which they also put in the beginning montage, the “preview of the preview” bit that has never made sense), and the rest is just hushed voices spewing trope lines and walking/sitting around. How is any of this supposed to be exciting? You don’t even have Blanchett and Fassbender on screen together for more than a couple seconds, so we can’t even decide if they have chemistry together. This is a textbook example of bad film marketing, relying entirely on names rather than quality of content. We’re not shown anything of interest, but because Soderbergh’s name is on it, we’re meant to just surrender our cash. And I’m sorry, I’m not falling for it.

Opus – March 14

Look, I love John Malkovich. I love Ayo Edebiri. I love Juliette Lewis. I love A24. But I’m sorry, this looks terrible. I have absolutely no interest in exploring a cult centered around an 80s pop star whose name sounds suspiciously close to Morrissey. I especially don’t care when you can’t even be bothered to explain how Edebiri ends up in this situation in the first place.

Oh they establish that this reclusive singer is coming out of retirement and inviting people to be a part of his new release. But why her, specifically? Nothing we’re shown tells us she’s a fan of his work, only that she has a basic awareness. If it’s random, then just say that, even though it would be massively unsatisfying, because none of Malkovich’s machinations would be able to succeed if he wasn’t curating the list personally.

What I’m saying is, you have to give us a plot hook. Just placing Edebiri there doesn’t cut it. We have to know why she’s there. You can keep other stuff hidden for future reveals, but then why bother showing Malkovich cavorting like a heroin addict on shrooms? This trailer is all about weird imagery, which I’m more than fine with, but it has to have a purpose, and nothing we see indicates that there even is one, much less that it can be conveyed in two minutes.

It’s rare when A24 has a misfire, but this looks like it could be one.

The Electric State – March 14

HEY YOU GUUUUUUUUYYYYYYSSSSSSSSS! This looks like some bullshit.

You know, I always thought the one way to make District 9 better was to have it be about robots. And dead brothers with their souls in robots. And Chris Pratt doing an impression of Ben Stiller from Dodgeball. And Stanley Tucci discussing Skynet’s self-awareness over coffee.

WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON HERE?!?!?!?!?! AND WHY THE HELL ARE THEY PLAYING “OVER THE RAINBOW”?!?!?!?!?!?! (answer: they had to start “Somewhere”…)

When you can spend an entire trailer just shaking your head and wondering what happened to the Russo Brothers, you know you done fucked up. I will at least give credit that some of the robots look real, which is more than I can say about so many other effects-driven films, but it’s still not much. If I want to watch Millie Bobby Brown crying, I can just watch any random episode of Stranger Things.

Borderline – March 14

Oh goodie, a movie about where they keep on pushing my love! That lame joke is by far the most clever thing that will ever be associated with this movie.

Samara Weaving has certainly come into her own as an actress, and I often look forward to whatever she has coming out, but this just looks stupid, and not in a fun way. Stalker movies are rarely fun, and while Ray Nicholson definitely won over some folks with Smile 2, I’m just not seeing it yet. Congrats to both of the leads for rising above “nepo baby” status, but that’s not enough for me to fork over my cash.

Also, any film that thinks mentioning Saltburn is a selling point is automatically fucked as far as I’m concerned.

The Last Supper – March 14

We’re in the Lenten period, so naturally this is the time for a glut of bible movies, but this one is pretty egregious. The moment you invoke the likes of the God’s Not Dead series I instantly tune out, and the fact that they’re trying to make this seem dramatic and gritty when The Passion of the Christ still exists just feels like a fool’s errand. This isn’t even a commentary on religion, just a reminder that if this is your thing, you can do SO much better. This was made by Pinnacle Peak Productions, which is just the new name for Pure Flix. The studio changed it because the original branding was both toxic and a laughingstock. So remember, this “theologically accurate” film that brings “God’s word to life” is under the banner of a company that decided to hide its identity for profit. You know, like Jesus would do.

The funniest thing for me, though, is the fact that the MPAA gave this a PG-13 rating. Yes, even those assholes are saying that kids should not be subjected to this because it could damage their minds.

O’Dessa – March 20

You know, if you asked me what the cure for the world was, the solution to a post-apocalyptic dystopia, I’d say a lot of things, like universal healthcare, environmental reforms, the end of unfettered capitalism, and the dissolution of most militaries. You know what I wouldn’t say? Sadie Sink singing country music.

This is just weird, man. I like weird, but there’s a limit, and I think that limit is Alita: Battle Angel mixed with Mad Max. This neon nightmare might actually be compelling if there was any point to it, or even some narrative discipline, but this just looks like a backdrop for yet another series of tired Young Adult tropes, and at this point, I’m just done with it all.

The film is produced by Searchlight, which usually means quality, but since it’s being relegated to Hulu, you already have all the information you need. It could shock the world like Prey, but I sincerely doubt it.

Duplicity – March 20

Oh yeah, when I think of the complicated issue of police violence, I think Tyler fucking Perry. I especially love how the unarmed victim still had his makeup tight after a jog and hadn’t broken a sweat. Are you serious?

Ash – March 21

I really like being able to see what’s going on in a movie, so naturally, Ash is probably not for me. Pretty much the entire trailer is just sensory overload of colors and CGI, which tells me nothing but still hurts my head. From what I can glean, this is about Eiza González being trapped on a space station where aliens killed the whole crew except for her and Aaron Paul, and they have to fight their way out. So basically, it’s Doom. She also has memory loss, which I’m sure will be used for some novel purpose, and not, you know, plot convenient recovery that sets the next events in motion.

I like Shudder. As niche streamers go, they often pick up a lot of good stuff. But I’m just not seeing it here. I think I checked out when the computer announced that it detected “paranormal activity.” How, and why, would a computer ever do that? Also, while the trailer brags that the film played at SXSW (it’s also at Beyond Fest right now), all that means is that the movie is strange. It doesn’t mean it’s necessarily good. The more noteworthy part of this announcement was that it played at SXSW last year, and only now is it getting distributed, nearly a year later, and it will be quickly placed on a streamer. Fingers crossed that it does well, because I’ll always take odd missteps over safe mediocrities, but getting high and looking through a kaleidoscope while watching Alien doesn’t exactly appeal to me.

Magazine Dreams – March 21

You can make me care about a lot of things through the lens of cinema. A guy doping to be the best bodybuilder in the world so that he can get on a magazine cover is not one of those things. Not only is it shallow and stupid, but it has absolutely no relevance to anyone’s actual life.

More importantly, though, the star of this film is Jonathan Majors. Given everything that’s gone on with him over the last two years, do we really want to see him get stronger and build more muscle? The man was convicted of domestic assault. Is this really a project that should see the light of day to glamorize the building of such a brute? I genuinely hope he’s able to redeem himself someday, but this is decidedly not it.

Holland – March 27

If there was ever one thing missing from The Stepford Wives, it was definitely a Dutch angle. Oh I don’t mean the camera trick, I mean literally putting the whole thing in a pastiche context of Dutch cultural appropriation.

Yes, this is Holland, a cheap clone of Don’t Worry Darling if I’ve ever seen one, and given that that movie sucked out loud by itself, I have no idea what the fuck we’re even doing here. Isn’t Nicole Kidman supposed to be making movies better? Why is she on Amazon in a clear ripoff of much better properties?

Also, while I obviously can’t blame everyone, fuck you, Michigan for voting for Trump again. Did you learn nothing from the last time? Y’all deserve your creepy Dutch evangelical zombies. You can all go to Hell, which is apparently 20 miles from Ann Arbor.

The Woman in the Yard – March 28

Well, it delivers what it promises. That there is definitely a woman in a yard. Is there anything interesting about her? Anything really all that spooky or menacing? Not really. It just looks like The Woman in Black got lost on her way to the county fair.

Congratulations, Blumhouse. You managed to make sitting in a chair boring.

Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Road Trip – March 28

When I was a little kid, Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day was one of my favorite books. It was a strong lesson in how life isn’t fair, teaching children everywhere that no matter how bad things may seem, someone always has it worse, and disastrous days are just part of the equation for everyone. As an adult, my roommates and I refer to this phenomenon as “Morton Salt,” a sustained scenario where things constantly go wrong, because as that product’s classic slogan goes, “when it rains, it pours.” This goes beyond Murphy’s Law, which tends to have a single-context limit, while Morton Salt can last for what feels like an eternity. I’m going through it right now. Since the highs of the last major show I’ve worked on, I’ve suffered months of unemployment, I took that tumble that hurt my ribs, my car got smashed and the insurance company for the kid who hit me refused to admit liability and pay out, and I’ve had to make two very costly repairs to my engine (unrelated to the collision). Whereas I spent the first eight months of 2024 clearing out debt and earning more money than I ever have before, now I’m in a somewhat desperate state of trying to find any work I can to pay the bills and prevent myself from going under, officially having nothing to show for all my efforts once again. All I need is for my teeth and hair to start falling out to make my misery complete.

My point is that this very short book let kids know from a very young age that the world will beat you down sometimes, and it’s okay to be mad about it, so long as you maintain perspective and empathy. It’s a crucial life lesson, one that is instantly defenestrated by this latest adaptation, which is going straight to Disney+. The first movie that got put out based on the book was a largely safe and forgettable affair from 2014 that starred Steve Carell and Jennifer Garner. This “sequel” has a completely different cast, headlined by Eva Longoria, Harvey Guillén, Cheech Marin, and Jesse Garcia, and is ostensibly about a Latino family “rediscovering their roots” by renting a giant camper bus and driving to the Four Seasons in Mexico City. So relatable. All the while, disaster after comic disaster befalls them, thanks to a “cursed idol” that they’ve kept in their house for generations.

That’s right, the entire premise of this movie is the Season 4 “Hawaii Trilogy” from The Brady Bunch. Wow. Just, wow. I can definitely say that I did not have “the tiki idol” on my Bingo card of movie inspirations, mostly because I am sane.

The Life List – March 28

Remember The Bucket List? That fun, inessential comedy with Morgan Freeman and Jack Nicholson that somehow still introduced the titular phrase into our collective lexicon? The idea that there’s so much of life to see that there might be value in itemizing the things you want to accomplish before you shuffle off this mortal coil? Yeah, that definitely had some fun to it.

But hear me out, what if we reversed it so that a rudderless yet successful woman in the city made one as a teenager, and her dead mother was forcing her to live it out in order to claim her inheritance? Wouldn’t that be so life-affirming? Oh wait, no, it’s patronizing nonsense.

Look, I would give just about anything to hear my mother’s voice and see her face again, especially with all her faculties intact. I have done a lot of grieving over the last two years (really five since the dementia started), so I understand the sentiment of wanting some tangible connection to a lost loved one. But a list of chores? Really? That’s our hook? Your mother is speaking to you from beyond the grave. She’s telling you to clean your room. What a load of bullshit. Connie Britton, you are better than this!

Day of Reckoning – March 28

Genuine question, what the hell happened to Billy Zane? Back in the 90s he was one of the biggest actors in the world, able to show off classical chops in the likes of Titanic and some over-the-top goofy range in Demon Knight. But somehow, after his cameo in Zoolander, he pretty much just fell off the face of the Earth. He didn’t stop working, but he stopped getting anything resembling a role worthy of his talent. If you look at his filmography, the phrase “straight-to-video” shows up far more often than it should.

The closest thing he’s had to any sort of resurgence is with Waltzing with Brando, which was shortlisted by the Academy for Makeup & Hairstyling this year. And to see the trailer and the set photos, that team did an amazing job of making him look like Marlon Brando. The film debuted at the Toronto Film Festival last year, and had a one-week run at the Chinese Theatre for Academy eligibility, but it still hasn’t been released to the general public, and it’s more likely than not that it won’t ever see a real light of day, as the limited reviews that exist are mostly negative apart from the makeup job. Dude just can’t catch a break.

Well, now he’s in Day of Reckoning, a standard-issue Western-style fugitive chase flick where he plays a hardened sheriff trying to take down a notorious criminal. The trailer seems to feature more explosions than actual dialogue, and every word that comes out of Zane’s (or anybody else’s) mouth is pure cheese. It’s a testament to how good an actor he is that even a fraction of these scenes has a whiff of credibility.

So please, Hollywood, unless he’s become some form of toxic that I’ve never heard of before, give this man some actual material to work with. This definitely isn’t it, but for the love of God give him something.

***

With that, we move to our monthly rock bottom with the triumphant(?) return of “The Worst Trailer in the World!” I shelved the series last month due to time constraints with the Oscar Blitz, and because even the lamest of the previews (Captain America: Brave New World – review coming tomorrow) didn’t look that bad. But now, we’re back, and my bile ducts are ready to burst. You probably already had this movie earmarked for this space from the day it was announced, and thankfully, the trailer did not disappoint in disappointing all of us.

Snow White – March 21

Seriously, I want to find the person who demanded and approved the designs on the CGI dwarfs. I have such wonderful terrors to subject him to.

***

Finally, as we always do, we end this affair with this month’s “Redemption Reel.” If there’s a bright spot to be had in this deluge of dookie, it’s that, of the 17 films that passed inspection, there were several that would make for a worthy candidate here. Over the course of the last couple of months, the likes of Mickey 17, Novocaine, The Actor, Bob Trevino Likes It, and The Assessment all held this spot for some period of time. In the end, though, I chose to go with a recommendation that my friends at No Rest for the Weekend gave me a while ago.

The Friend – March 28

Back in November, I appeared on the podcast to discuss films from the Mill Valley Film Festival, while host Jason Godbey talked about stuff he saw at the New York Film Festival (you can watch the episode here). The Friend was among them, and I was kind of fascinated. Bill Murray and Naomi Watts are world-class actors, and the idea of this humongous Great Dane dog becoming both a burden and then a comfort definitely piqued my interest. I feared a little bit that it might be a new take on Beethoven, which was fine for when I was a kid, but I recognize that it’s not exactly a great film. However, seeing this trailer, I can tell this is just going to warm every cockle in my heart.

Murray plays a character named Walter, who as the film begins, has recently passed away. He’s left his dog in the care of his best friend Iris, played by Watts. Obviously she has to deal with a lot of stress regarding the canine, because he’s a big ol’ baby. Honestly if he stood on his hind legs, I think he’d be taller than her. She’s not allowed to have a pet in her apartment building, and her own life is in disarray. There’s one line in the trailer that I found particularly poignant. “No matter how much I sleep, I’m exhausted.” I feel that viscerally. It expertly sums up my mental state at the moment.

But as we all know, dogs are angels sent from Heaven to make our lives easier and more full of love, and of course that’s where the movie will eventually go. This is not a film that’s going to be teeming with surprise. It’s a distraction, a much-needed placebo to help us forget our troubles for a couple hours, and I’m perfectly fine with that. Sometimes that’s all we need. I wish I had a dog just for that emotional support. I can’t afford one, because I can’t even afford to take care of myself, but every chance I get to play with my neighbor’s pooch or sit for my friends, it’s like instant Prozac for me. So yeah, I’m looking forward to this one. As I’ve covered more and more festivals, it becomes almost like an event when a film featured within finally gets a wide release (two of my favorites from AFI Fest are due out in April), and this one has been on my mind ever since I first heard of it. From what I’ve seen in this trailer, I have a feeling I’m going to adore it.

Also, the trailer credits the dog. His name is Bing. He is instantly better than the search engine that shares his name. I would actively look for this Bing.

***

That’s all for this month, folks. As always, I hope you enjoy yourselves at the movies, no matter what you go see, and as we continue through this maelstrom of suck, I genuinely wish you all nothing but the best, and let’s work hard to take care of one another.

Join the conversation in the comments below! Are you planning to see any of these films? Was I too hard on them? Just how far must Disney fall with these remakes before they stop? Let me know! And remember, you can follow me on Twitter (fuck “X”) as well as Bluesky, and subscribe to my YouTube channel for even more content, and check out the entire BTRP Media Network at btrpmedia.com!