It’s been a rough one, you guys. With the financial woes and lack of work I’ve suffered over the last year-plus, I’ve had to be very judicious and tight with my funds, so my love of going to the movies has had to take a back seat. I only watched a handful of films during the month of August (four of them in one day), and one of them I have to save for a batch review post in a couple of weeks.
Things may be starting to turn around, though. I have started a new job in sales, and I’ve at least survived the two-week training period, and I’ll get my first paycheck next week (two-week pay cycles are bullshit, especially if you’re poor). I’ve got a four-week probationary period coming up with lowered expectations for results, and if I meet those benchmarks, I’ll be good to go. Obviously, I want to get back to my “real” work, but even if I meet the bare minimums, I’ll make enough to subsist.
That said, the past fortnight has been a killer. My anxiety flared up into a multi-day attack without proper medication, meaning for a solid week I didn’t get any restful sleep. For the in-office training, I didn’t have money to buy food for lunch, and several of my colleagues offered to spot me, to my eternal shame. The last three days in the field were excruciating, walking through a very hilly neighborhood with pretty steep dips in the roads. My legs are sore, and I’ve gotten a few small sunburns on my ears, neck, and calves. I was so exhausted that I went to bed around 11pm last night and basically slept until 2:30pm today, waking up only to piss and decline multiple spam calls,
That’s why I’ve missed my normal self-imposed deadline to have this column out before the first releases of the month, and why for the second straight month, there’s no “Worst Trailer” video. So much energy has had to be devoted to getting through the initial stages of this job that I’ve just had no mental bandwidth to spare. Hopefully, I’m through the worst of it, and things can finally start getting back to normal. That means putting my fingers back to the keyboard and shitting on previews. After the Hell I’ve been through, this should be cake.
September is the unofficial beginning of Awards Season, and while I’ve missed out on a lot of films this year, this is where the bulk of the quality and prestige will present itself (though I find it very hard to believe that anything can reasonably top Sinners). We can see the evidence in the absolute glut of entries this month. There are 28 movies that I was able to look over for qualifying trailers, and 16 of them passed the first impression, with 12 earning spots here, a 4:3 ratio of good to bad. I’ll take any positives I can get.
So again, apologies for the lateness and the lack of video snark on my part. It will get better. I can feel it. But for now, let’s wallow in the haterade. This is the September 2025 edition of “This Film Is Not Yet Watchable!”
The Conjuring: Last Rites – September 5
Yet another entry in the premier series of shitty horror, filled to the brim with jump scares, clichés, and ripoffs of other properties. This is billed as the final installment in the Conjuring series, but I’ve heard that line plenty of times before, and yet we still got Jurassic World: Rebirth. No, like the pair of real-life charlatans at the center of this franchise, I’ll only believe it’s truly over when everyone involved is dead.
This film does illustrate one of my major pet peeves with the industry, particularly in the way critical press is curated. Like so many other subpar projects, reviews were embargoed until the final 24 hours before release. That’s a shady practice in and of itself, because it’s a crass attempt to curb free speech in pursuit of profit. But sadly, aggregators lean into it. Rotten Tomatoes is the biggest offender. While their percentages and methodology are basic and sound, they’re still a business (owned by Fandango, which is a joint subsidiary of Warner Bros. Discovery and NBCUniversal), and are thus beholden to the bottom line.
As such, when the first reviews started to trickle in, RT was quick to shit out an “article” that called this film a quote, “Frightful, Fitting Send-Off” in the banner headline.
The film has a “Rotten” rating of 55%. It SUCKS!
This is far from the first time that RT has pulled these shenanigans. Especially when it comes to movies by their two parent studios (this one is WB), they are quick to try to sell them as successes, even if there are just a couple of positive reviews. If at ANY point the score is in the “Fresh” realm of 60% or more, they’ll sing the flick’s praises, even if it’s two positive reviews out of three. Once the puff piece is out, it doesn’t matter how quickly and far the score falls, they’ve appeased their corporate masters and successfully posed as a marketing wing rather than a neutral reporter. It’s disgusting, and I hate it.
The Threesome – September 5
I’m not one to push my political beliefs on anyone. I’m happy to have discussions and debates, and I do my best to express my opinion without offending or pushing the envelope too far. But after seeing the trailer for The Threesome, I feel compelled to soapbox thusly:
This is why abortion should be free for all, and maybe even strongly encouraged.
I’m sorry, exactly what about this “new kind of rom-com” is supposed to be in any way appealing, to say nothing about “romantic” or “funny”? A dude lucks his way into a threesome hookup and impregnates both women, and both of them are not only deciding to have their respective babies, but expect the guy to be an active participant in the pregnancy and be their sole partner. What. The. Fuck?! Oh wait, not fuck, definitely not fuck. These people should never fuck again.
Nothing about this makes sense. This isn’t some messed up harem anime. This is, allegedly, real life. The guy has to make a choice, to be with either one or to be a real sleaze and abandon them both. Either way, he’s stuck with child support for two different kids for the next 18 years. Any sensible person in the modern world would recognize that this is not a tenable situation, and one or both of the women would likely seek alternatives rather than this Three’s Company meets Look Who’s Talking bullshit.
But hey, here’s Jaboukie Young-White to be the sassy gay friend! He does realize he’s capable of playing other roles, right? A movie like this is the exact reason why birth control exists, and if this were a proper fable it would end with the dude being chemically castrated. Also, Zoey Deutch, you are so much better than this!
Light of the World – September 5
Another animated Jesus movie?! What the hell did I do to deserve this? Oh, right, I’m a dirty heathen. Curse me and my quest to be a cartoon completist this year. I’m totally going to have to watch this dreck, aren’t I? You know, I’d enjoy these so much more if they just had someone say that these are nice stories, rather than trying to present them as historical fact.
For what it’s worth, the animation doesn’t look terrible, as they’re going for a children’s book aesthetic. I just wish these films didn’t depend on a childlike lack of critical thinking skills in their followers to succeed.
Downton Abbey: The Grand Finale – September 12
“It’s hard to accept that it’s time to go.” That’s how the trailer for Downton Abbey: The Grand Finale opens, and I’m instantly tuned out. The “time to go” was when the show ended, or charitably, at the end of the first movie. This is the third one, and Maggie Smith’s been dead for a year. Apparently this concept is so hard to accept that we’ve gone well beyond the bounds of decency.
I confess, I never got into the show. From what I’ve heard it was quite well done, and my sister and late brother-in-law loved it. If you did, too, more power to you. I’m glad you enjoy it. But from what little I’ve seen, it just does nothing for me. I’ve never been one for forced diversity, shoehorning, or tokenism, but every second I’ve seen of the program and the films is whiter than the middle of an Oreo, and I just don’t buy into any story that has this deep of a class divide but still acts as if everything’s all right and everyone’s friends with one another. I’m generalizing of course, I’m sure there were conflicts, but the presentation of these promotional materials makes it seem like one big aristocratic party where even the servants are in on the fun, and that just holds no appeal for me.
Again, if you’re a fan, I sincerely hope you enjoy this final act. I’m sure it’ll be better than The Conjuring, but so is being hit by a bus.
Spinal Tap II: The End Continues – September 12
Oof, this one hurts. I love This is Spinal Tap. It’s one of the greatest comedies ever made, and the standard that every mockumentary-style show and movie aspires to. It was such an all-encompassing project that the group appeared on The Simpsons when I was a kid, and I was sure they were a completely real band. My late mother couldn’t convince me otherwise until she showed me the movie and I realized it was Rob Reiner, which then led to a love affair with the likes of Harry Shearer (I was too young to realize he was the voice of Principal Skinner, Mr. Burns, and so many others), Michael McKean, and Christopher Guest that continues to this day.
But man this looks lame. I get that legacy sequels are a thing, and The Naked Gun turned out to be a lot of fun, but I doubt lightning can strike twice. It’s especially worrisome when the jokes we do get appear to be more of the callback and reference variety rather than original shtick. How many drummers have died? Oh, 11! Gee, I wonder where that number came from! Cameos from Questlove and Elton John feel like pure cringe (though Elton singing “Stonehenge” is pretty cool). I want this to be good and justified, but I just don’t see it from what we have on offer at the moment. I’ll probably still see it in hopes of a rousing comeback, but even the subtitle feels too basic for a comedy of its predecessor’s caliber.
Tin Soldier – September 12
What’s worse than a film comprised entirely of stuffed shirt white people? A film where the only black character is not only the villain, but a cult leader. And it’s up to righteous whities like Scott Eastwood and Robert De Niro to take him down. Yes, I know technically the rest of the cast isn’t completely white, as Rita Ora and John Leguizamo are in it, but for the trailer, it’s all white all the time, except when we’re showing how violent, abusive, and evil Jamie Foxx is. This is some cultural tone deafness right here.
That said, I have seen a film recently about a cult leader that was put out by the cult itself (review will be part of the next animation block post in a couple weeks), so I’m guessing this won’t be as bad. Almost certainly bad, but not that bad.
The Lost Bus – September 19
As a Californian, I can tell you that we deal with a LOT of wildfires. If only we would rake the forests. Hear how dumb that sounds? Anyway, last year was particularly devastating thanks to the Palisades Fire and other disasters that cost thousands of people their homes and caused billions in damages. It was the worst fire season since 2018 with the notorious Camp Fire, which I believe is the costliest wildfire in history.
So what better way to remind folks of that than having Matthew McConaughey play a bus driver who evacuates kids… and put that film out right at the start of this year’s fire season? Way to think this one through, Apple.
The Senior – September 19
We all love football. We all love underdog stories. We all love Christian propaganda. Wait, what?
Yeah, that’s what The Senior is all about. Sort of like a football version of The Rookie, the movie stars Michael Chiklis as Mike Flynt, a real-life strength coach and fitness inventor who, in 2007 at the age of 59, played linebacker for Division III school Sul Ross State University. That’s an inspirational story in itself, and might be worth seeing. Unfortunately, this is an Angel Studios project, so you know this will be far more about Jesus than the actual guy the movie’s supposed to be about.
I do my best to never begrudge someone their faith, but is it really that sinful to just take credit for your own amazing achievement? Flynt did something pretty remarkable and became a leader for so many other players. Pat yourself on the back, Mike. You did that. I’m not saying that divine intervention can’t exist, but there’s no proof that it happened in your case (or the cases of millions of others). It’s okay to be proud of what you’ve done.
To put the absurdity into context, replace the respective deities. Imagine if Flynt was Jewish, and after everything he did, he decided to put it down to daily Torah contemplation and keeping kosher. He’d be laughed out of every pitch meeting. So why is it okay to put so much religious weight on his story because he’s Christian? Think about that for a while before shelling out money to see The Commish do his impersonation of Kevin James in Here Comes the Boom.
Also, since he’s playing linebacker, a very hard-hitting position, I better not hear a single mention or variant of it being “Clobberin’ time.”
Adulthood – September 19
I love a good farce. This does not look to be a good farce. Josh Gad and Anthony Carrigan are fantastic actors, and under normal circumstances a dark escalating comedy would be a ripping good time.
The problem is that the premise is a very basic, and very stupid, liar revealed story. Gad and Kaya Scodelario play siblings who return home after their mother has a stroke. While mom is in hospital and unable to speak, the two try to clean up the basement at the house, only to discover a dead body encased in the walls.
Now, in any sane world, they call the police, cooperate fully with any investigation, and most likely nothing comes of it because if their mom is in fact a murderer, she’s also a vegetable, and would therefore be deemed mentally unfit to stand trial. The truth would be out, but there would be no real consequences. Instead, what these assholes do, is try to dump the body in a pond, where it’s immediately discovered and tied back to them, and a series of blackmail, double-crosses, and other some such bullshit ensues. That’s not funny. That’s lazy Barry, right down the casting of Carrigan.
Of course, the biggest indicator of the lack of quality is the release schedule. This comes out in theatres on Friday the 19th. It goes on streaming a mere four days later. Paramount knows this is a dud, and that the only way they can profit off it is to sell it for VOD. That’s all you need to know.
Gabby’s Dollhouse: The Movie – September 26
What the hell is this nightmare fuel?
Apparently, there’s a Netflix show called Gabby’s Dollhouse, about a magical girl who wears cat ears and can escape into animated adventures in her dollhouse with cat creature friends. It was created by the same people who made Blue’s Clues. But this just looks weird, and the sequence of nonsensical events in the trailer that somehow leads to Kristen Wiig stealing the titular toy is maddening in the extreme, not to mention all the pandering to Gen-Alpha trends.
But more importantly, if this is a Netflix series, why is the movie getting a theatrical release through Universal? Surely this would be better served as a Netflix movie. Do they think forcing parents to pay $20 a pop will be an enticement? Do they think kids will scream their parents’ ears off to go see it rather than just waiting until it is on Netflix? Do they think people are that stupid?
Sadly, the answers are yes, yes, and MONEY MONEY MONEY YES!!!!!!
I weep for mankind.
The Strangers – Chapter 2 – September 26
Hey, remember that terrible horror movie? The one with the masked killers intruding into a house? No, not The Purge, but that’s a good guess, since it ripped off that awful piece of shit at every turn. No, I’m talking about The Strangers.
Yeah, somehow, despite three previous movies that never crossed 50% on RT and that could only be considered “profitable” because the budgets were so small, this series keeps going, with this latest installment being the middle chapter of a rebooted trilogy that began last year. Literally nothing in this is new, exciting, or scary. It’s just violent noise for its own sake, and it’s an insult to the good name of the slasher film. See it at the risk of your own boredom.
What’s worse is that, if you were so inclined to see the last movie for whatever reason, the trailer itself spoils it via dialogue, so even the movie knows there’s no point.
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With that, we move on to the depths of despair for “The Worst Trailer in the World… This Month!” As previously mentioned, there’s no original video mocking the preview this time. I’ve just been far too overwhelmed the last several weeks. Hopefully for October I can get back in my groove, but for now, we’ll just have to settle for regular analysis of why this is going to blow donkey dick.
The Long Walk – September 12
There’s something to be said about missing the moment, and The Long Walk is a perfect example. The film is the third of four adaptations of Stephen King works coming out this year, and the book it’s based on was one of the first that King ever put out, back in 1979 (under his pen name, Richard Bachman). He even started working on it before Carrie. Had the movie version been more timely to the book’s release, this might have been seen as an intriguing cautionary tale and a pinnacle of action horror.
Instead, as it stands now, it’s just another dystopian Young Adult piece of shlock where the point is to kill teenagers in a world that is so easily avoided.
The premise is that in some horrid future, young boys volunteer for the titular competition, where they must walk continuously for an indeterminate amount of time, flanked by soldiers who will execute them if they fall off the pace. The walk continues until only one is left standing (walking), and he will win riches beyond his wildest dreams.
So, it’s The Hunger Games on a treadmill, then.
Seriously, for 1979 this would have been seen as revolutionary. Now it’s just lazy. There’s no futuristic technology, no centralized authoritarian government, no class warfare at play, just a bunch of teenage boys walking until they get shot. Oh, and Mark Hamill is the designated “evil adult” this time.
Who cares? No, really, I mean it. Who the hell cares? It’s just part of the formula now. Will there be any insightful commentary into why this death game happens? Will we be even remotely invested in any of the camaraderie between the characters knowing that all but one will die? Is there even a point in having any of them talk about their hopes and dreams given the odds of dying? How are we supposed to give a shit?
Also, is there any mystery as to who’s going to win? Gee, will it be any of the nameless actors who only get one or two lines in the trailer? Will it be the lone minority played by David Jonsson coming off his first major film role in Alien: Romulus? Or maybe, just maybe, could it be Philip Seymour Hoffman’s son? Look, I love Cooper Hoffman. He’s part of the reason why Licorice Pizza remains one of my favorite movies of the decade so far. But we know how these movies are cast. We know what type of face Hollywood wants to put on such properties. The result of this walk is so patently obvious that I don’t even have to check the book’s Wikipedia page to know he’s going to be the last one, so why would I care to devote two hours of my life to watching it unfold on screen?
Further, it doesn’t help that my new job requires me to walk up to four miles per day in the blazing sun, so if any movie could be an emotional trigger right now, this is it. The only hope I have for this is that the song they use in the background repeats the phrase, “I’m the last of my kind.” Please, dear God, let it apply to this subgenre of film.
Finally, just as a weird bit of synergy, the final King (Bachman) adaptation this year is Edgar Wright’s remake of The Running Man coming in November. That’s all the more reason for me to stay home for this one. Why would I want to watch a bunch of kids walking when high-octane “running” is just two months away? Seriously, if you haven’t seen the trailer for that picture yet – which is hard since it’s been playing everywhere for the last two months already – watch that preview next to the one for The Long Walk. There’s no comparison. One looks exciting, the other looks like homework.
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And at long last, we come to the end of our monthly journey through the bogs of cinematic stench, the light at the end of our tunnel of loathe, the “Redemption Reel.” There are a fair few movies coming out in September that look genuinely fun, intriguing, and poignant, but this one I think takes the proverbial cake.
Him – September 12
Directed by Justin Tipping, who made his name in TV with shows like The Chi and Dear White People, and produced by Jordan Peele, Him looks to be a fantastic bit of psychological horror, delving into the pressures of young athletes who have a chance to make it big. This is especially true for those in minority communities, who often see sports superstardom as their only path to social mobility and escape from poverty.
The images shown just in the preview are enough to give you goosebumps. As Cam Cade (Tyriq Withers, who got his start on CW shows) prepares to make the jump to “the league,” he’s put through incredibly traumatic paces, including violence and steroids, all at the hands of his trainer, legendary quarterback Isaiah White, played by an incredibly against type Marlon Wayans. I’m already getting flashbacks to Al Pacino in The Devil’s Advocate watching this, and I would be blown away if he could maintain this monstrous persona throughout.
It all comes back to this idea of “how bad do you want it” that’s always been a sore spot for me. It’s a cliché I’ve hated for a long time, because I live in the real world, and in the real world, no matter how much you want something, no matter how hard you try, outside influences are always a variable you can’t account for or control. Hell, I’ve just gone through a textbook example over the last year and change. I desperately want to get back to my career and the work I love and to which I dedicate myself. But regardless of how hard I try, it’s up to someone else to decide, “Okay, we’ll hire you.” The only reason I’m doing the job I’ve got now is because they were the ones who finally said yes. Do you think I want to be in sales? Do you think I want to hike three miles a day through rich hilly neighborhoods and have doors slammed in my face? Fuck and no, I do not want that. But they were the only ones who said yes, so I’m going to put my best foot forward to succeed at this, hopefully temporary, new direction. That’s reality. Every time you hear someone spouting off about “wanting it more” or anything similar, that’s just victim shaming. All those kids starving to death in Gaza? They must not want freedom enough. That’s how dangerous that line of thinking is.
With Him at least, we appear to be putting that trope through its proper paces and taking the idea to its extreme to show exactly that. Football is a tough, demanding, and risky sport, and a whole lot of people who “want” it more than anything still end up riding the bench or suffering serious injuries, not to mention long-term health issues after their playing days are over, all in pursuit of glory and a massive payday. It’s a Faustian bargain, and Tipping looks to be taking that for all it’s worth. It’ll be fascinating to watch, and even more fascinating to see if the NFL tries to sue it out of existence.
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That’s all for this month, folks. As always, I hope you enjoy yourself at the theatre no matter what you go see, and let’s all hope that our fortunes start turning for the better.
Join the conversation in the comments below! Do you plan to see any of these films? Was I too hard on any of them? Why should I feel sorry for a kid walking with a broken foot when Mark Hamill took down an entire empire after losing a hand? Let me know! And remember, you can follow me on Twitter (fuck “X”) as well as Bluesky, subscribe to my YouTube channel for even more content, and check out the entire BTRP Media Network at btrpmedia.com!
I Actually Paid To See This 