Congratulations to Kevin Feige for making the very best Fantastic Four movie ever... by default. Yeah, it's not hard to improve upon the unreleased 1994 Roger Corman abomination, the cringeworthy 2005 film that only existed to make Jessica Alba's underwear levitate (28% on Rotten Tomatoes), its wholly unnecessary and unwarranted sequel (37%), and the 2015 … Continue reading A Retro Fit – The Fantastic Four: First Steps
You ever get that feeling that no matter how hard you try, everything not only turns out wrong, but seems designed to make life that much worse by its very existence? That's what the last several months have been for me. Between being unemployed for nearly a year, approaching a phase of literal worthlessness, insulting … Continue reading This Film Is Not Yet Watchable – July 2025
Summertime, and the living's easy! Well, unless you're perpetually unemployed and financially hanging by a thread, of course. In that scenario the living's excruciatingly stressful and what little sleep you get is filled with existential nightmares. Thank God we still have movies, though. Seriously, the tiny specks of sanity I have left would be completely … Continue reading This Film Is Not Yet Watchable – June 2025
The last few weeks have been really rough. I buried my brother-in-law, had a hell of a time helping my sister through her grief, struggled to connect with my nephew now that he's obsessed with Geometry Dash, Minecraft, and any other app that can keep his gaze glued to a phone, and I've been out … Continue reading This Film Is Not Yet Watchable – April 2025
We come to it at last. After several delays, it's finally time to tackle the disgustingly cynical double feature that studios and influencers tried to dub "Glicked" as a manufactured means to recreate the critical and box office magic that was last summer's "Barbenheimer" battle, but I have taken to calling "GladiWicketor" because a marketing … Continue reading I WAS NOT ENTERTAINED! – Gladiator II
It's been a hot minute since I've posted anything, but for once there's good reason. I spent five days last week covering AFI Fest, taking in a whopping 16 films over the course of the festival. Tomorrow I'll be getting up at the ass crack of dawn for four days of election work going through … Continue reading This Film is Not Yet Watchable – November 2024
As artificial intelligence becomes increasingly part of our lives, the biggest issue is that it's presented to us as an automatic, universal good. Whether it's tech companies like Google and Apple forcing it down our throats through their products and advertising (which we can't opt out of even though we've given them little to no … Continue reading Learning to Fly – The Wild Robot
The Coen Brothers are among the greatest auteurs in cinema. Their blunt, tragicomic style is second to none in the industry, and while their movies don't always work, they are always intriguing, exploring the underbelly of society in fun and unique ways that are genuinely human. They can be a bit self-serving at times (just … Continue reading A Cock and Bull Story – Drive-Away Dolls
It's appropriate that I write this today on Groundhog Day. I mean, what could be more appropriate for a column such as this? It's a day where idiots cheer for the nonsensical prognostication abilities of a rodent, and in film form it's a day of torture for a guy named Bill. I mean, that's this … Continue reading This Film is Not Yet Watchable – February 2024
I like to think that, overall, 2022 was a better year than 2021. There were some down moments, to be sure - Billie Eilish won an Oscar before Lin-Manuel Miranda, I had to move my mother into hospice, Republicans retook the House, basically every celebrity we still cared about died, AMC charged us more money … Continue reading The Best (and Worst) of 2022
I Actually Paid To See This 