Back Row Thoughts: I Bought a Razzie Vote!

The Oscar nominations were announced today, and I’m chomping at the bit for my annual blitz. But strangely, one set of nominees has been missing from this year’s awards cycle, that of the Golden Raspberries, or Razzies, “celebrating” the year’s worst achievements in film with a spray-painted statue worth just under $5.

Normally, the Razzie nominations come out the day before the Academy announces their field, a sort of “before you see the best, here’s the rest” bit of pre-game fun. Similarly, the awards ceremony, such as it is, takes place on the eve of the Oscars. A few years ago, Sandra Bullock famously appeared in person to accept her Worst Actress Razzie for All About Steve the day before winning the Best Actress Oscar for The Blind Side.

However, since the Academy decided to accelerate its schedule and move the Oscars up to the week after the Super Bowl, forcing everyone else to bump things up to keep pace, the Razzies decided, “On second thought, nah.” When I checked their website this weekend expecting to find nominees, I was instead greeted with this message:

“Howdy – due to the Oscar’s accelerated 2020 calendar which has stressed out the entire industry and is about to ruin the holidays for everyone, we here at the upper echelons of the Razzie Organization have decided to avoid anxiety and set our own schedule this year. Stay tuned – we are going to be televised and we need to look pretty!”

As such, the Razzie nominations will be coming out on Saturday, February 8, instead of the actual ceremony. When I saw this, I laughed, but I was still shocked. I mean, how hard is it to just say, “Cats gets everything?”

But then I noticed something very interesting. There was a link at the top marked “Join/Vote!” I had to click. Lo and behold, for a mere $40, you can nominate and vote for the Razzies.

How could I not?

There are varying levels of “membership” in the Razzie Organization, ranging from the lowest grade at $40 to a lifetime membership for $500. The higher the tier you join, the more merch you get, and the more people you can put on a mailing list. What does this mean? Well, it means the Razzies are more above board than the Golden Globes, because at least they’re admitting that they charge for access.

So yeah, I forked over the cash, which grants me basic rights of nomination and voting. I mean, I’m probably never going to get an Oscar vote, even though I watch every nominee, which actual Academy members don’t do. So I might as well have the twisted fun of drinking my Haterade and eviscerating some terrible, terrible movies. I’ve looked at the “shortlist” page, for lack of better term, and in each category, I get to select up to five nominees, including write-ins. I already know one field where I have to do nothing but write-ins, because amazingly, the Worst Rip-off, Sequel, or Remake category contains no Disney remakes when they should comprise 100% of the nominees. Seriously, I’m writing in DumboAladdinThe Lion KingMaleficent: Mistress of Evil, and Lady and the Trump. Disney needs to fucking learn their lesson.

Apart from that, though, I want to hear from YOU! I’m nothing if not democratic, so if you have suggestions for what I should nominate and vote for, I’m opening my ballot to all of you who read my blog, or anyone else with whom you wish to share this. I have until February 2 to make my nominations, so I’m in no hurry, and even though the whole point of the Razzies is to make it all a big joke, I do want to take it semi-seriously.

For those unaware, the basic categories are the same as the big ones at the Academy – Picture, Director, Supporting Actor/Actress, Lead Actor/Actress, and Screenplay. In addition, they introduced the Razzie Redemption category last year, where a previous Razzie winner gets “forgiven” for much better work in the current year. Melissa McCarthy won that last time. Who knows if it’ll continue this year? Finally, there are the two most creative and funniest awards, the aforementioned RSR category and Worst Screen Combo, which last year went to “Donald Trump and his Self-Perpetuating Pettiness.” So if you’ve got hilarious suggestions there, let me know. I’ll either vote for the closest shortlister to it, or write it in myself.

Remember, only you can prevent dumpster fires.

Join the conversation in the comments below! Who should I nominate? What are your joke nominees? Seriously, shouldn’t Rip-off, Sequal, or Remake just be permanently named for Disney? Let me know!

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