This Film is Not Yet Watchable – September 2023

Two thirds of the year is officially in the books, and with the changing of the seasons for the planet comes the changing of the seasons for the multiplex. The Summer Blockbuster period is over, and starting now, we’re into Awards Season. Normally this would be kicked off with the Emmy Awards, but the various Hollywood strikes have pushed the proceedings to next year.

And while the labor issues have definitely thrown a wrench in the studios’ plans for marketing and promotion, including delaying the release of several films, you know, because there’s no point in art if you can’t force people to advertise it, on the whole the industry is still on its normal autumn trajectory. The prestige festivals (Toronto, New York, etc.) are still going forward as planned, 13 countries have already submitted their entries for International Feature (I’m on the hunt!), and AMPAS has made no statement about postponing the Oscars like they did for the COVID pandemic. These entities seem to be taking the attitude that it’s the studios’ prerogative whether or not they want their projects to be eligible for awards, and they feel no obligation to accommodate the AMPTP’s intransigence.

As such, this month will feature the first serious contenders for the hardware. Last week saw the release of the disappointing Golda as the opening act at the tail end of August, which could still get attention as a Best Actress Showcase, and September has a few noteworthy early candidates in the form of Dumb Money, Cassandro, and a few others. Whether they’ll remain in the public consciousness long enough to get serious consideration is obviously yet to be seen, but the signals are clear that the normal Awards Season schedule is still on pace.

So does that mean the overall quality of movies will turn around? OH JESUS FUCK NO, IT WILL NOT! There are 24 films being released domestically in September that I’m aware of, 23 of which have trailers or teasers that I could watch (sorry to those waiting with bated breath for analysis of Hulu’s No One Will Save You). Of those, fully 13 have earned an ignominious place in these paragraphs. As in, more than half.

Yeah, we’ve got ourselves quite the crop of crap this month, from sequels no one wanted, to mindless rom-coms, to outright theft posing as prestige. We usually get a healthy helping of the first two, but it’s that third category that makes this time of year so special. You can have your pumpkin spice all you want, but for me fall is about the bile in my veins living for all the shit that tries to pass itself off as legitimate while the studios spend half their budget on voter bribes. And with the Golden Globes publicly sacrificing what little remained of their credibility by dissolving the HFPA in favor of a fully for-profit operation, the naked capitalism is going to be even more egregious. I can’t wait.

So strap in, sip your latte, and celebrate your kids getting out of the house and back in school. This is the September 2023 edition of “This Film is Not Yet Watchable!”

The Equalizer 3 – September 1

The first entry this month is definitely the one I could have left off in order to make the lists look a little more equal. It’s getting half decent reviews, and in the end, if you’re a fan of this franchise, I can’t exactly blame you.

But for me personally, I never got into it. I have no interest in the TV show, either version (though I have friends who work on the current iteration, and I wish them nothing but the best), and the films did nothing for me. I love Denzel Washington, and I love it when people kick ass with legitimate fight choreography. But for whatever reason, this just never resonated with me the way John Wick or other series have.

And when I look at this trailer, I don’t see anything that motivates me to change my mind and get on board. While it’s presented as badass and cool for Denzel to be under interrogation but confidently turning the tables on the goons, it’s nothing I haven’t seen before. The same goes for the general plotting about him wanting to basically retire and lead a quiet, peaceful life before being drawn back into the violence. It’s beyond cliché at this point, and really only feels like they’re doing it so they can use Italy as a backdrop.

Again, none of this is inherently bad, and if you’re all in on this, more power to you. But as a piece of advertising, all I see is more of the same, with no reason for me to change course and embrace the property. It’s not that it’ll be terrible, but that it’s clear that there’s no effort to reach a new audience. I’m completely fine with that, but it definitely means it doesn’t get my money or eyeballs.

The Good Mother – September 1

You want to feel depressed? Hilary Swank has won two Oscars in her career. She’s a singularly talented actress. But since those glory days, which were sadly almost 20 years ago, her output has been minimal and shitty. Seriously, look at her IMDB page. Since she won for Million Dollar Baby, you can easily argue that the best movie she’s been in is Logan Lucky. What the hell happened?

I hold similar fears for Olivia Cooke. When Thoroughbreds came out in 2018, both she and Anya Taylor-Joy looked primed for superstardom. It’s definitely happened for the latter, but Cooke has been slower. She had a decent supporting role in Sound of Metal, and certainly had a few moments in Ready Player One in spite of the laughable assertion that a birthmark made her unattractive. Apart from that she’s made few ripples in film, though she does at least have a substantial TV role in House of the Dragon. I want her to succeed because she’s supremely talented, but whereas Taylor-Joy sprinted out of the gate with that breakthrough gem, Cooke has been lagging behind.

Swank and Cooke are brought together in The Good Mother, which should alternately be titled, The Bad Movie. It looks to be just another mindless, generic crime drama, where a successful lady (Swank) gets the tragic news that her son has been killed, and it’s somehow up to her and her son’s pregnant girlfriend (Cooke) to infiltrate a drug ring and solve the case. What?

You want to know how desperate the studio is to sell this dud (currently sitting at 22% on Rotten Tomatoes)? There’s “prestige by association” text in the trailer for the “three-time Academy Award nominated producer of Joker, The Irishman, and The Wolf of Wall Street” without naming this person. For the record, it’s Emma Tillinger Koskoff, who frequently collaborates with Martin Scorsese. Two entire screen slates are devoted to this pitch in giant fonts, whereas Hilary Swank herself gets her two Oscar wins denoted in much tinier type above her name on a quicker slate earlier in the trailer.

That’s how little this film has to offer. The biggest idea they can sell you is that an unnamed associate of Scorsese and Todd Phillips also produced this, and it’s somehow more important than the actual hardware accumulated by the lead actress. You’re just conceding defeat at this point. I hope Swank and Cooke get better projects soon.

All Fun and Games – September 1

Yeah, we’re 0-for-3 on this opening weekend. This is why Bottoms, my “Redemption Reel” from last month, decided to do a limited release last week before going wide now. They know there’s no real competition outside of Equalizer and its built-in audience. Case in point, this is the second film this weekend released by Vertical Entertainment, a studio that’s only been getting into theatrical distribution over the last few years after starting in 2012 as a straight-to-video house. Among its output over the last decade is the woeful remake of Jacob’s Ladder, the uninspired but still campy Ava, Sia’s movie Music (which bought two Golden Globe nominations before it was released and the public saw that it was one of the worst films ever made), and its one good entry, Emily the Criminal. They’re also the entity behind The Informer, the generic copy/paste action film that was delayed so many times that it ended up in this column on three separate occasions!

This idea of recycled trash seems to be their current stock in trade, as All Fun and Games looks to be an amalgam of all the worst horror tropes while at the same time being an inferior copy of Talk to Me. From the opening seconds, which involve a fake out jump scare prank and a lame setup about the “true” history of Salem, Massachusetts, I already want every character in this film to die. It only gets worse when a kid cons his older sister and her teen friends to play a “game” where they read ominous words off a dirty witch knife and get possessed by murderous demons. The mere mentions of things like “Duck Duck Goose” and “Hide and Seek” as a means of creating suspense is downright insulting. It would almost be hilarious if every scene didn’t look like they were somehow trying to play it straight and serious.

I’m sorry, in what universe is “Hangman” meant to be a spooky one-liner for murder? And this mantra of “I will play. I won’t quit” is just an invitation for the audience to declare the exact opposite as they walk out of the theatre. I will not play. I quit. This doesn’t even appear to lean into the most obvious angle for gory fun. Given the title, somebody better lose an eye. Otherwise, what’s the point?

The Nun II – September 8

“I think there’s something here, that’s not meant to be,” says a young girl in an ominous whisper before a parade of jump scares and loud banging noises substituting for actual terror. Yes, little one, there is. It’s called a sequel to The Nun, literally the worst-rated film in the entire ill-advised Conjuring universe (the fact that they call it a “universe” is more disturbing than anything in the actual films). The first uninspired entry clocks in with a dismal 24% on Rotten Tomatoes, with its audience score only rising to 35%, which is in a three-way tie for the worst viewer reactions in the franchise with Annabelle and The Curse of La Llorona.

So why in God’s name are we being force-fed another one? Well, because it still somehow made money, bringing in $365 million worldwide. However, two things should be noted. One, the international gross outstrips the domestic by more than a 2:1 margin. Two, half the domestic earnings came in the first weekend, which, coupled with the abysmal audience score on RT, means that yes, people spent money to see it, but instantly regretted it. The people spoke loud and clear that they didn’t want this, and yet, here we are.

The trailer promises that we will “discover the truth behind the greatest evil” in this franchise. I’ll save you all the trouble right now. The truth behind the greatest evil is that greedy suits saw dollar signs but didn’t understand the meaning behind them, and decided that they were entitled to more. Thus the movie was made. The end. I guarantee you what I just said is more accurate and horrifying than anything this piece of shit will assert.

My Big Fat Greek Wedding 3 – September 8

People, let’s just admit it. Nia Vardalos is a fine writer and actress, but as a creative force, she’s a one trick pony, and that horse got put down at the track a LONG time ago. She’s had a stable career in rom-coms and television, and had her major breakout moment with My Big Fat Greek Wedding, which began as a one-woman play loosely based on her life and family.

It was funny and charming, but either by choice or by circumstance, she’s clung to this one success ever since. The movie spawned the sitcom, My Big Fat Greek Life, which was quickly cancelled after seven episodes, a legacy sequel in 2016 that saw the critical affection plummet from 76% on RT to 27%, and now this. I’ve heard of diminishing returns, but yeesh.

The problem is simple. The joke got old. Audiences and critics do not want to go to the same well of ethnic humor over and over again for two decades, and the actual comedy never evolves. It’s just the same shtick. Throughout the trailer, there’s only one moment that elicits a chuckle, and that’s where an old woman tells a guy to pick the chicken they’ll have for dinner, he states that he’s a vegetarian, and the old woman simply retorts, “No.” That’s the one gag that isn’t just about stereotypes or yelling loudly in your face, and actually has an unexpected punchline.

Everything else is exactly the same as before, and not only are we tired of Vardalos doing it, but since her acclaimed hit we’ve been inundated with unfunny movies about embarrassing old world families. Just in the last year and a half alone we’ve had the terrible About My Father and Easter Sunday as evidence that this trope just doesn’t work anymore. It can be fun in a limited capacity, like an exaggerated cartoon or a solid stand-up routine. But as a movie? We’re collectively over it.

I understand the desire to keep telling your story if you think there’s more to be said, and there is the idea of leaving the audience wanting more. But Vardalos has had 20 years of the audience telling her in no uncertain terms that they don’t want more, so just tell the story to those closest to you and leave it at that.

Sitting in Bars with Cake – September 8

I truly feel bad for moviegoing audiences for the first two weeks of this month, because there’s basically nothing to go on. Like I said earlier, Bottoms is getting its wide release now, and for indie animation lovers there’s an Ernest & Celestine sequel coming out for a limited run. But apart from that, the only faint glimmer of hope is the intentionally absurdly named Aristotle and Dante Discover the Secrets of the Universe to tide us over until the 15th.

Because as far as domestic new releases are concerned, this is the sixth out of seven in the opening fortnight to look just awful. This movie feels like the Lifetime Channel gained sentience. It’s nothing but one chick flick cliché after another, from sitting around a table toasting with wine, to a harebrained scheme that suddenly makes first-world successful women even more successful, to the bitchy boss lady (Bette Midler, slumming it in a bad Meryl Streep impression), to hooking up with hot guys, to the enduring female friendships that can withstand anything but still go through a manufactured third act conflict, to fucking cancer. Seriously, we’re just missing domestic abuse and sexual assault for the full Bingo Card.

Here’s a suggestion for the people who make these films if they ever want to get the masses on board. How about making interesting characters rather than one-dimensional cardboard cutouts? How about focusing on people who work normal jobs and aren’t titans of industry breaking glass ceilings? How about people who aren’t models? In essence – and I can’t believe I’m saying this as a dude – how about REAL women? It’s one thing to be aspirational and ambitious. I’m right behind that. But the vast majority of these movies feature fantasy women, women with no real problems that chardonnay can’t fix. And when they finally do face adversity, it’s in the gravest existential terms, like terminal illness or rape. Is it really that hard to write a compelling story about someone who works in a grocery store and wants to run a volunteer program because it’s good for the community and not have her be the victim of something? Am I really off base here? Please tell me.

Because this? This is just vapid. Don’t believe me, listen to the dialogue. The two leads have this idea to bring cakes to bars, for reasons. Their brilliant name for this endeavor? Cake Barring. This revelation somehow cues the upbeat pop track about how awesome they are. That’s what this film thinks is clever. You know what? I’ll take the cancer.

A Haunting in Venice – September 15

“Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, I won’t get fooled again.” That’s a quote from an idiot, but it still seems smarter than what’s going on in this trailer. I admit that I enjoyed some of Death on the Nile, mostly because I was on a second date with a lovely young lady (there was no third for unrelated reasons), and because I was grading on a curve since it was a February release.

But really, this latest Hercule Poirot adaptation from Kenneth Branagh looks largely the same as the first two, which doesn’t bode well. On the plus side, it looks like it will echo the previous films by way of having an all-star cast who relishes the material and the chance to stretch their respective ranges, particularly Michelle Yeoh and Tina Fey. On the decidedly minus side, the presentation offers no real intrigue outside of the production design and Branagh’s undeniable affection for Agatha Christie’s work. And given that this one professes to be closer to horror than the others, complete with nonsensical jump scares and a screeching violin in the background, I’m not exactly shivering with anticipation.

I’m not saying it can’t be good, but even the last two had glaring flaws, and one has to wonder just how far Branagh plans to take this when it’s only ever been self-indulgent. It can still be fun, but as we get into Awards Season (and Spooky Season), this feels almost daringly slight and inessential. With all the films that are getting delayed into 2024, I’m genuinely curious as to what this has to warrant staying on the schedule.

Love at First Sight – September 15

*150 seconds of gagging noises*

Nope, still not done puking. Who would have thought they could make The Terminal but remove all charm? Oh God…

*150 more second of gagging noises*

Expend4bles – September 22

Okay, seriously, stop with the whole “putting numbers in the title to substitute for letters” thing. It was dumb as fuck with M3GAN, and it’s even dumber now. I swear to God I’m going to make a softcore sex romp film called 8008135 just to show how stupid this is.

Anyway, who the hell was clamoring for another entry in this neutered series? Did Stallone go broke? What excuse does Jason Statham have? And they’re still dragging Dolph Lundgren into this, aren’t they? Was this the real punishment from the Soviets for losing in Rocky IV?

At least they’re going back to the “R” rating, so there’s a chance the action might contain some visceral enjoyment. I’ll even give a dose of credit that Lionsgate put out a separate Red Band trailer about this very fact that looks far more fun than anything in the actual footage. Still as pointless and dumb as their tagline, “They’ll die when they’re dead,” though.

The one thing in the trailer that I will note for timely fun is the opening scene where Statham finds a redacted document and he’s told that it’s classified. Given current events, a part of me wonders if the scene was inserted as a not so subtle reference about how having classified documents just lying around in your house isn’t a good idea. I wonder who might think they’re just as macho as an action hero and might see this film and get an unexpected lesson.

Spy Kids: Armageddon – September 22

“If you’re here now, something has gone terribly wrong.”

Couldn’t have said it any better myself, Gina Rodriguez.

This is only a “date announcement” teaser, as Netflix has a weird habit these days of waiting until the last two weeks before a premiere to release the full trailer for some of their films. But you can already tell this is a war crime. The previous films were terrible, and this looks even worse, because apparently Robert Rodriguez (no relation) decided to keep the same effects from 2001. I don’t mean the same effects team, I mean the same actual VFX. You can almost see the green screen behind the kids, it’s so bad.

Why do these people keep getting money?

Saw X – September 29

Okay, I know I basically checked out of this series after Saw III (making a brief return for Spiral), but didn’t Jigsaw die? I’m pretty sure I saw him die at the end of the third movie. How the hell are we still making these?

The short answer is, money. The longer answer is a convoluted timeline where this movie somehow takes place between the original Saw and Saw II, and somehow Tobin Bell shows up as John Kramer in flashbacks in every entry in the main franchise regardless of his status as a living being. Way to make the Fast and Furious bullshit seem logical by comparison, guys.

As for this inexplicable tenth edition, the plot centers around Kramer (who does not appear to have been de-aged to fit the continuity despite the 18-year gap in the release schedule of the chronology) going to Mexico for a potentially life-saving treatment for his brain tumor, only to find that it was a snake oil scam. As such, he’s kidnapped the charlatan doctors to play his games, not as retribution he says, but as a reawakening.

Bull. Shit.

What made the first film a modern horror classic, and what made the first two sequels still somewhat fun, was the idea that the “players” were flawed people who were given a fair chance to get their new lease on life in exchange for going through Kramer’s crucible of pain. There was a sick logic to it all because Kramer had nothing to lose, and the victims had everything to gain. There was also a charming simplicity to it all in the beginning. Remember the first one? Just two guys chained up in a room, having to work together to escape despite their unknown sins against one another. The key was meant to be in the room the whole time, though notably it “accidentally” went down the drain early on. But still, had everything gone to plan, Cary Elwes and Leigh Whannell could have gotten out unscathed. They could have even forced Kramer to reveal himself far earlier than he did. They could have killed him fairly easily, too. And even when their primary means of egress was foiled, there was still the fact that Elwes was willing to sacrifice his leg for the both of them.

But after a while, it all became about the elaborate nature of the traps and devices, the pure torture porn, and violence for its own sake after it’s made clear that there is no longer any degree of equity and fairness. Part of the reason I stopped watching when I did was because Shawnee Smith as Amanda revealed in the sequels that she broke the “rules” and killed Elwes’ character after he got out of the room minus a foot, rendering the whole affair pointless through a retcon.

Without that realistic chance of survival and redemption, this is just gratuitous gore. And while I’m somewhat torn on this one – because if anyone deserves the torture porn treatment, it’s people who pretend to be helpers and profit off the suffering of others, so I certainly understand Kramer’s motivations this time – there’s still nothing in the trailer that tells me, “Hey, come back. This one’s different!” You can only play the same game so many times before you get bored.

Fair Play – September 29

I honestly wonder sometimes how Netflix spends its money. Because when I see a trailer like the one for Fair Play, my immediate thought is that a huge chunk of it goes to critics to buy pull quotes.

Debuting at Sundance and getting initial good press (90% on RT as of this publish), the film is advertised as a taut, sexy thriller. But all I see is The War of the Roses without the dark humor. Am I really supposed to care about a workplace relationship at a high-end financial firm starring two people whose characters might as well have brightly-lit signs over their heads that say, “I’m better than you”? Because I don’t.

And nothing in this preview provides much hope going forward. I have no interest in some shitheel pissing and moaning about his girlfriend getting promoted over him. I don’t give a shit about rich people fucking. If I did I’d watch whatever nonsense Shonda Rhimes churns out on a yearly basis. I’m not invested in any way in the futures of people who are apparently so smart as to be making billions of dollars, but not smart enough to understand the risks of boinking your coworkers, especially when there’s stated company policy against it. And I sure as hell don’t care about shoehorned gender arguments.

So what am I supposed to go on? This got a decent response out of Sundance, and Netflix is even signaling that this could be one of their Awards Season efforts, as they’re following their prestige model of releasing it in theatres a few weeks before it streams on the platform, meaning that they definitely care about eligibility with this one. I’ll keep it on my radar, but my hopes are not high based on how they’re selling it.

***

Goddamn, I’m exhausted. There’s just so much to wade through, and not a lot of it very promising. But only one film can “earn” the title of “The Worst Trailer in the World,” and for this month, it has to be the most brazen attempt by any major studio to sneak a complete ripoff past us as if it’s something original.

The Creator – September 29

This film’s future feels like the worst timeline of what would happen if AMPTP wins and AIs get to write screenplays. The whole thing plays like a ChatGPT assignment where it’s told to make a sci-fi movie using an algorithm based on every successful genre franchise.

And yet, there’s a chance I might still see it. The latest casualty of the strikes is Dune: Part Two, which was supposed to release this fall (with alternating dates in October and November), but is now delayed until March. As such, the odds-on favorite for next year’s Visual Effects Oscar – the previous film won this category last year – is now out of the running, so it’s essentially an open contest. I can’t imagine this film won’t submit for the category, and given the way some voters drool over even half-convincing CGI (which this movie doesn’t have, but people will delude themselves), I can see this getting serious consideration. So I may just rip off the band-aid and give this a look in anticipation of that nauseating outcome.

***

We’re almost done, folks. I know I’ve taken up pretty much your entire holiday weekend with my diatribes, but the finish line is in sight. There’s only one thing left to get to, and that’s this month’s “Redemption Reel.” Despite the litany of garbage on display as we enter Awards Season, there are a few bright spots, including what, to me, was the most surprising and delightful preview I’ve seen in a while.

Dicks: The Musical – September 29

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

*deep inhale*

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

When I first saw this title without context, I honestly thought it was an episode of RuPaul’s Drag Race. I mean, they do a “Rusical” pretty much every season now, it was a pretty educated guess.

But no, it’s even more glorious than that. We’re talking a no holds barred, foul-mouthed, tongue-in-cheek, toxic masculinity spin on The Parent Trap starring Megan Mullally and Nathan Lane, newcomers and co-writers Aaron Jackson and Josh Sharp, a song that begins with the line, “My cock is fuckin’ massive,” but done in the classic jazzy musical style, and a whole host of numbers that wouldn’t be out of place in a South Park movie.

Hell, for the first time ever, I’m actually enthusiastic for something involving Megan Thee Stallion, as the rapper plays a take-no-shit girl boss (“I guess it really is the year that it is,” says one of the leads in brilliantly sheepish fashion) who literally leads men on a leash while telling people to suck her dick. I’m rolling. This is too much!

Leave it to A24 to make THIS their first movie musical. It’s so perfectly up their alley. There’s an independent flair to the whole thing despite the production design that looks like a parody of the much more earnest La La Land, there’s beyond witty dialogue, there’s a surprising commitment to the bit with full-on choreography and dance numbers, and naturally there’s a healthy dose of weird in the form of the “Sewer Boys,” which are instantly scarier and more memorable than anything put forward by any of the horror entries listed in this column.

This is what movies should be doing right now. Musicals are something of a dying artform in cinema, especially ones that aren’t based on already established Broadway hits (this is an adaptation of Jackson and Sharp’s off-Broadway stage show, Fucking Identical Twins), so it’s always refreshing to see a new take. And in an age where franchise fatigue has more than set in and we’re fighting an existential battle against algorithmic automation of storytelling, we absolutely need films like this to take some bombastic risks and genuinely shock us. It’s why Everything Everywhere All at Once was the runaway obvious choice for Best Picture (another A24 triumph). Audiences crave variety and originality rather than the same old stuff. Hollywood is at a crossroads, and it needs to pick a path going forward. I hope a film like this succeeds to help the powers that be make the right decision.

***

We made it! The marathon is over! I have nothing else for this month! I hope I haven’t bored you all senseless, and whatever you’re doing this holiday, do it to the fullest!

Join the conversation in the comments below! Which of these films do you plan on seeing? Was I too harsh on any of them? When will we learn the truth about the greatest evil behind the Spy Kids universe? Let me know! Also, you can follow me on Twitter (fuck “X”) and YouTube for more content!