This Film is Not Yet Watchable – January 2024

Greetings and salutations from the other side of 2023’s dumpster fire! We endured a lot last year, and sadly, we’re probably about to suffer through a whole lot more. Between ongoing wars, the possible end of American democracy, rampant racism and antisemitism, and Kim Kardashian trying to become a lawyer, the prospects for 2024 do not look all that promising at the start.

And then there’s the film industry. Box office returns for last year have finally gone back to pre-pandemic levels, even as major studios used the WGA and SAG-AFTRA strikes to justify shifting tentpole movies several months down the line. That may seem encouraging, knowing that many high profile entries await us, but remember, this only happened for projects that the powers that be deemed profitable, and therefore ostensibly good. We still had to wade through all the garbage they didn’t feel worthy of protection. Meanwhile, the cost of living wages is being passed on directly to the consumer in the form of higher ticket prices (because God forbid billionaires make slightly less for the sake of others), media consolidation continues unabated (with Warner Bros. Discovery attempting to buy Paramount), and AMC is getting set to debut another Nicole Kidman commercial for all of us who want our feature presentation delayed even further so that the place we’re at can advertise what we’ve already bought.

Of course, before we can get a firm grip on where the year in cinema may be heading, we have to deal with the annual studio dumping ground that is January. Most of the major releases this month are either expanded premieres for films that had their qualifying week in December or re-releases for the earlier entries that the “For Your Consideration” marketing teams want to keep fresh in Academy and Guild voters’ minds. Those who are successful in garnering Oscar nominations will almost certainly see a significant boost in their margins, using the prestige of a nod as part of their sales pitch in a self-perpetuating cycle of nihilistic capitalism that still maintains a modicum of credibility somehow.

While all that’s going on, for those who want something truly new to watch, the pickings are more slim than the guy who rode a bomb in Dr. Strangelove. Strictly speaking, there are 15 new movies debuting this January, but most of them are on streaming services, and even those that aren’t don’t inspire much confidence. There might still be a minor hit or two thanks to an overload of trailers and exposure, but only a scant few look to be of any quality. Of the 15, fully two thirds of them have landed here. Somehow, this is slightly better than the last two years, which included me bending my own rules in 2022 just so I could have a “Redemption Reel” winner. Maybe this is a sign that things will improve this go-round. Maybe it’s a sign that we’ll be inundated with even more shit than usual. Who can be sure?

All we know for certain is that it’s a new year filled to the brim with the same old trash, in more ways than one for this month in particular. This is the January 2024 edition of “This Film is Not Yet Watchable!”

Night Swim – January 5

Remember what I said about media consolidation? Well, here’s your first taste of it, as Blumhouse merged with Atomic Monster, uniting the two biggest sources for cheap, lazy, uninspired horror where forty bazillion jump scares equal plot. Oh goodie, the studios behind the Purge and Conjuring abominations together at last. Their first product as a joint font is Night Swim, a story so lame and empty that literally 75% of the trailer is a dumb teenage scream queen playing “Marco Polo” before being attacked by a pool monster. Joy.

Seriously, Blumhouse has probably done more in the last 20 years to destroy the genre than improve it. Sure they’ve had a few hits, like Get Out, M3GAN, The Black Phone, and the Paranormal Activity series, but the ratio of quality to crap is decidedly one-sided. For every Split or Happy Death Day there are 50 Truth or Dares, Insidious sequels, Halloween reboots, and Black Christmas remakes. On the one hand, you can appreciate the company’s willingness to fund projects from new artists, similar to what A24 does. But unlike their contemporaries, Blumhouse (and now Atomic Monster by extension) has no editorial judgment. They’re completely unwilling to tell someone no, or to offer constructive criticism so that a new voice can actually solidify a vision before getting rushed into production.

Any one of us, were we in a position to make such a decision, would hear the pitch for this and go, “Really? A demon in a swimming pool? Come back when you’ve got something serious.” But Blumhouse? Oh, no sir, this is what we definitely have to throw our money behind. Steven Spielberg did Jaws, which made people afraid to go into the water. Well we’ll make them afraid to go in their back yard! Next stop, water parks! Then the bathtub, the toilet, THE SIPPY CUP! All will look at liquid and despair for we have given the world a Marco Polo killer!

The fuck outta here!

Mean Girls – January 12

I have but one question. What happened, Tina Fey?

I mean, literally everything about this trailer just breaks my heart. The original Mean Girls is one of the greatest comedies, not just of the 21st Century to date, but of all time. Fey’s superior writing made her into a superstar, showing the world the talent that most of us had only seen on Saturday Night Live if we stayed up late enough to witness her tenure as Head Writer (before the advent of streaming and DVRs). This film turned her insane wit into the new normal for humor, making her an A-list actress in addition to her immaculate scripting. We swooned for Lindsay Lohan in her prime, and appreciated the delicious irony that she ended up being the most Plastic of all, fading into obscurity with each successive scandal while Rachel McAdams and Amanda Seyfried became Oscar-nominated leads and Lacey Chabert turned into one of the most beloved TV actresses of her generation.

So why in God’s name are we remaking it a mere 20 years later? The official answer is because this version is based on the stage musical adapted from the original film. You’d be forgiven if you didn’t know that based on this trailer, because notably, there is no singing, nor are there any big musical numbers. Sure there are a few “dance breaks,” as is noted in the lyrics of the song in the background, but they’re mostly montaged, and several of the shots are from the Christmas number that was in the first film. For the uninitiated, there is basically nothing in this preview that would really indicate this is meant to be based on a Tony-nominated musical (though it should be noted, the Broadway show received zero wins from its 12 nods), other than the casting of Broadway’s Regina George in the film role (Reneé Rapp, no relation to Anthony) and Moana herself, Auli’i Cravalho (if anyone knows about the idea of a remake coming way too soon after the original’s release, it’s her) as Janis.

It’s curious as to why the studio and the producers wouldn’t advertise this for what it is, but I have my guesses. One, the musical itself isn’t that good. Fey’s book got some praise, but critics noted the lack of bite in the songs and the repetitive nature of the comedy. Also, the bafflingly ever-growing category of “Movies Based on Musicals Based on Movies” continues despite the fact that no entry in this subgenre has ever outperformed the original with critics and audiences. Some do get a decent reception, like Hairspray, Little Shop of Horrors, or The Color Purple (review coming soon for the latter), but they still pale in comparison to their source material, and other works like The Producers and Nine flopped spectacularly.

What’s even the point if the returns are going to be this diminishing? Well, because given the January situation, there will likely be returns of some kind, and the show has gained a cult following in the LGBTQ community, which apparently justifies its existence. Based on what I’ve seen in the trailers, I don’t see why, especially since this version of Damian (played by Jaquel Spivey) is even more of a stereotype than before, to the point that he wants his French name to be Beyoncé. Really, every joke in this just plays like either a retread of better material from the original or a tired attempt to “modernize” things, including a heavy emphasis on social media, the lack of which is part of what made the first film so special, as the viral rumor mill had to exist in a still analog world of crossed phone lines and call-waiting.

I love the original Mean Girls. It’s one of the most fun, quotable, and hilarious movies ever. This just feels like the Wish.com imitation meant to draw blood from a stone, and it’s a denigration of Tina Fey’s immense talents to exploit it for a quick cash grab. So again, I ask, what happened Tina?

Lift – January 12

“Let’s show them what true artistry looks like,” says Kevin Hart in the middle of the trailer for Lift, a heist movie so full of heist movie clichés that there’s even a scene where one of the characters comments on how much the job feels like a heist movie. This should be a felony worthy of a larger prison sentence than the actual felonies committed during the “score.” I’d almost think the line was an intentional joke were it not for the source of this latest insult to celluloid.

Every time a flick like this comes out, I refer back to the Season 4 Rick and Morty episode, “One Crew Over the Crewcoo’s Morty,” which skewers the entire genre for all its predictable tropes, written because co-creator Dan Harmon hates them so much. He even got his former collaborator Justin Roiland on board by showing him several examples of how they all follow the same formula. That’s what makes the parody land so well.

Netflix gets a healthy chunk of the criticism for their role in this, with Morty writing an anodyne screenplay and getting a pitch meeting with the streamer, who of course love the idea. So how to they respond to this lambasting, especially when they’re in something of a downward spiral because audiences are sick of being fed the same shit over and over again? Double down! Yeah, Army of the Dead, Red Notice, Army of Thieves, and The Vault somehow weren’t enough for their “We’ll greenlight anything” approach, so now we get this. This would normally be the part where I invoke some of the cast’s big names, like Hart, Jean Reno, Vincent D’Onofrio, Burn Gorman, or Sam Worthington and say, “You’re better than this,” but this is Netflix. You knew exactly what you were signing up for, and the fallout is 100% on you.

Role Play – January 12

Okay, I literally just did this last month. When Apple came out with The Family Plan, I said we need to be done with this trend of action movies based on suburban dads living double lives as assassins or secret agents. So what does Amazon do? They make it a suburban MOM! Totally different!

Look, I love Kaley Cuoco. I’ve had a crush on her for over 20 years. She was the only thing other than John Ritter that made 8 Simple Rules tolerable, on Big Bang Theory she made me believe that a dork like me had a real chance, and whenever I hear her voice on Harley Quinn, I swoon, particularly when she cusses. I don’t know what that says about me, but I own it.

Here though, every second is pure pain. I know both she and David Oyelowo are so much better than this (got my catchphrase in there after all!), but even more than that, the premise is wasted. The idea of “spicing up” a marriage with role play as an allusion to the actual high-octane action she gets up to is at least superficially intriguing, but from what we see here, the movie goes nowhere with it. Instead, it’s treated more like a tame, one-sided remake of Mr. and Mrs. Smith, and no one wants that.

Given the framing device of rekindling excitement in the bedroom, it’s sadly ironic that what we’re presented is all tease, no satisfaction. Really defeats the purpose if you ask me.

I.S.S. – January 19

There’s been a lot of online bickering about the trailer for Alex Garland’s upcoming film, Civil War, mostly because the dystopian future he imagines for America includes an alliance of California and Texas, two states that most see as diametrically opposed. The public scoffs at the premise because they believe such a partnership would just be impossible.

That movie won’t be out until April, so in the meantime, we have an equally unbelievable conflict on screen in the form of I.S.S. In this parade of space nonsense, U.S. and Russian astronauts aboard the International Space Station observe a massive global war breaking out on the Earth below, and both sides receive orders from their respective governments to take the station by any means necessary, leaving the stranded scientists fighting a literal proxy battle for the high tech hardware.

This is just stupid. What I’m about to say is probably the weirdest flex I will ever make, but has anybody involved with this picture ever actually met an astronaut? I have. I worked with Leland Melvin on the second season of Child Genius, a Lifetime reality competition show that was ostensibly about brilliant kids partaking in academic challenges for a college fund, but was really about casting smart kids who had horrible parents and exploiting their borderline abusive behavior for ratings. Anyway, Leland is one of the coolest guys I’ve ever met (he famously took his official NASA picture with his adorable dogs), and hearing him talk about his missions was awe-inspiring.

He’s also an example of how a real conflict would likely play out on the space station. Astronauts are trained at the absolute highest levels to be calm and logical under pressure and not succumb to provocation. Case in point, in the first season of Child Genius, one of the contestants, raised in an extreme Evangelical household, was goaded by his mother to take the podium during the Astronomy round and tell Leland (serving as host and moderator) on national television that God created the universe in seven days. Leland had to sit there and listen to an elementary school student vying for college money tell him that his entire career was a lie and that his biblical upbringing provided all the answers to our existence, and all he did was smile and say, “Thank you. Are you ready to begin the round?” Any other person could be reasonably forgiven for verbally bitch-slapping the kid and giving his manipulative parents what-for. But he didn’t, because he’s spent his entire life being figuratively and literally above all that bullshit.

The same goes for the those on the I.S.S. right now, and throughout the program’s history. Astronauts train all over the world, working with scientists, doctors, and military officers from around the globe, and rely on several international sources for supplies and support. Hell, since the U.S. retired the space shuttle program, all of our personnel going to the station have had to hitch rides with ships from other nations, including Russia, who remains an adversary outside of this context. The whole point of the I.S.S. – and really all space programs – is international cooperation, not rivalry. If war broke out on the surface between our two countries, the astronauts would be working on a collective solution to end hostilities, even if all they could offer was a symbolic gesture of unity. They would not be cloistering themselves along political lines waiting to strike the others for control, because it defeats the entire purpose of the mission and flies in the face of the humanity behind those put in charge of them. Never mind that the catastrophic destruction we see in the trailer indicates that there’s no America or Russia left for anyone to take the station on behalf of them.

So yeah, the very premise of this movie is faulty at best, based solely on what I’ve learned from someone who’s actually been there. But of course, the pulp machine cares nothing for facts. Instead, let’s do an Alien ripoff, cast Ariana DeBose as a doe-eyed unremarkable on her first assignment (wonder where they got that idea), and ruin my favorite Scorpions song just for good measure.

I hope the next time we send some time capsule of our society out into deep space, we jettison this movie right after liftoff so that it burns up in the atmosphere upon reentry.

The Underdoggs – January 26

I love me some Snoop. Always have, always will. He makes Martha Stewart seem like a human being, and that’s no small feat. He’s funny as all hell. He’s one of the 10 greatest rappers of all time. The fact that he’s never won a Grammy is just further proof that the Grammys are bullshit and always have been. I also love that he’s gotten into football coaching, including fostering his son Cordell through the game to the point that the young man got a scholarship to UCLA before opting out to pursue other things.

So even though I know The Underdoggs is going to be stupid, as it’s essentially an exaggerated version of this aspect of Calvin Broadus’ life, I still kind of want to see it. I’m a touch more forgiving of this than I am of anything else in this month’s column, because it’s clearly tongue-in-cheek and not meant to be taken all that seriously. I mean, it’s basically a hip hop version of Little Giants.

Still, it does look dumb. George Lopez only has one funny line (“You look like a black Princess Leia!”), the actual football scenes have an amateur presentation, I immediately lose interest in any youth team that has a sponsor patch on them (yes, we all had sponsors for our little league teams, but those were local mom-and-pop convenience stores that paid $200 for the uniforms, not fast food chains), and I don’t buy for a second that anyone would hire a guy who pulls a gun on them just because they used to be friends.

It’s dumb, but it might be a fun dumb, the kind of movie I’d pull up on Amazon if I got bored during the Oscar Blitz and want to turn my mind off. Except wait, I can’t do that, because Amazon just informed me that I have to pay extra to get rid of the ads they’re now forcing on me. As Snoop himself would say, ain’t that about a bitch? I already pay for the service, which I bought so I could watch shit without commercials, then your shady ass says, “First hit was free, now you gotta pay extra” by negating the very feature I paid for, continuing to charge me, and then charging me more to get the exact same features that I was already paying for. That’s some drug dealing gangsta shit right there. Grandfather a muthafucka in and offer a discount for the ad tier. Don’t go around trying to extort us so that one of the richest men in the world can have even more money for literally no extra benefit to us.

I say again, fuck outta here!

American Star – January 26

Do you like John Wick movies? Do you like Ian McShane? Do you want to see Ian McShane try to pretend he’s John Wick instead of running the Continental? If you answered “yes” to all these questions, I have the perfect movie for you! And also, the number of a good therapist, because clearly something happened to you where your priorities and sense of taste have been sadly misplaced.

Yeah, McShane looks decidedly uncomfortable and out of place in the preview for American Star, and perhaps that’s by design. He plays an assassin who goes to an island resort, presumably to kill his next target, but he just feels tired the entire time, like he’s meant to be a reflection of the titular rusted out ship run aground on the beach. All the while, his handler is reminding him of his job and how it’s important not to get close to the person he’s supposed to kill, rather than, say, just killing the target himself. It’s all so trite and slow, attempting to build suspense and adrenaline, but it feels more like a sedative.

Go back to the Continental, Winston. You’re of far more use there.

***

“Hold on a minute,” I hear you say. “You said two thirds of the 15 releases this month made it into the column, and you’ve only talked about seven trailers so far. Why are we moving on to the next section?” First of all, thank you for paying such close attention, imaginary reader. Second, you’re quite astute. I have in fact only covered seven of the 10 dubious honorees so far, and that’s intentional. You see, for some strange reason, there are a lot of action movies this month, including two (Hulu’s Self Reliance and the Lionsgate release, Sunrise) that just barely passed the smell test. In fact, you could argue that essentially half of the output this month falls into that category.

But for this month’s edition of “The Worst Trailer in the World,” I actually had to do something I’ve never done before: a triple feature! Yes, it’s true. Not only are there eight action (or action adjacent) films coming out this month, three of them are essentially the same flick with different titles, except that all three titles are eerily similar. I basically had no choice.

The Painter – January 5
The Bricklayer – January 5
The Beekeeper – January 12

I could hardly believe it myself, but this is how far we’ve fallen.

***

With that surprising cluster of fuck, it’s time to end this month’s column as we always do, with the “Redemption Reel.” January often has very little to offer in terms of fun and quality, with some entries feeling downright blasphemous. But what if there was a movie where blasphemy was the point?

The Book of Clarence – January 12

If you’ve read this blog for any length of time, you know I love satire, and I despise any kind of default fealty to religious doctrine. What luck then that I get a potentially very satisfying outlet for my joy and rage with The Book of Clarence, where LaKeith Stanfield (who was immaculate in Sorry to Bother You, so you know he can pull off the style with aplomb) plays both the apostle Thomas and his twin brother Clarence, the latter of whom has led a disadvantaged life in ancient Rome, and as such looks to piggyback off the legend of Jesus Christ, branding himself as a messianic prophet for, well, profit.

I’m instantly on board. Not only does this look hilarious on its face, but it does something I have been begging of religion-based films for years. Challenge the dogma. You can still come to the reasonable conclusion that there’s value in the Church, in faith, and in any number of other religious institutions, but at least have the balls to ask the questions. Blind adherence may be what some want from us in order to control us, but we’ve no obligation to give it to them. If you examine the inner workings of the practice and ultimately find your beliefs validated or even strengthened, that’s perfectly fine. But if you’re not even willing to take a critical look at a system that might dictate your life – and lead you to attempt to compel others – then you’re wasting your time and sacrificing your mind. That’s why films like Dogma are so essential. Kevin Smith grew up in the Church, and I’m sure he has at least some of his faith ingrained in him, but he was still able to see the absurdities within it all, or as he put it in the opening text disclaimer, admit that “God has a sense of humor.” Work with that!

That’s what I see in this trailer. Clarence attempts to use the charisma of Jesus in order to hustle for cash, not unlike many of the modern churches that make money hand-over-fist, pay no taxes, and hoard it for themselves rather than helping people. Some leaders even have the gall to say that God wants them to be wealthy, despite everything in scripture that says otherwise. That provides a keen basis for satire. That Clarence apparently will eventually see his own redemption and the virtue of living for others makes for a compelling moral, again one that the modern institutions would do well to remember.

That’s all I want out of a movie like this. Give me some solid laughs, explore the sins of the Church and the bastardization of faith for profit, and teach a good lesson in the process, one that may end up hewing closer to biblical fables than the actual sermons shouted from pulpits around the world. It appears that The Book of Clarence will provide exactly that, so I’m in.

***

That’s all for this month, folks. As always, enjoy your time at the cinema, no matter what you see, and buckle up, this is going to be a long year. Let’s do our best to get through it in one piece.

Join the conversation in the comments below! Are you planning to see any of these films? Was I too harsh on any of them? What other terrible movie ideas can spring from the name of some sort of hobbyist? Let me know! And remember, you can follow me on Twitter (fuck “X”) and YouTube for even more content!