It’s the eve of the Oscar nominations, which can only mean one thing. The Oscars honor the best in cinema, but before that we have to recognize the worst Hollywood has to offer. Today sees the nominations for the 39th annual Razzie Awards! Now, for the last three years I’ve made it my personal mission to see every Oscar nominee, no matter how I feel about the quality of the picture. But even I think it might be a bridge too far to see all the nominees here, mostly because sitting through all these movies, particularly at once, would probably fall under the Geneva Conventions definition of torture.
Still, it’s fun to look at this list, because sometimes the bad movies are unavoidable. Sometimes you go in knowing you’re going to watch crap, which gives you a reason to enjoy it ironically, or if the theatre’s empty, provide some Mystery Science Theater commentary. Sometimes you go in thinking a movie will be great, only for it to turn out to be a steaming turd. Sometimes you just go on a dare or because there’s literally nothing else to see.
Thankfully, I’m able to dodge a good deal of bullets in this regard, and in part I have you, my readers, to thank for that. For the last year I’ve been encouraging you to reach out if you want me to see a movie and review it here, especially if it helps you make a decision about whether you’ll spend your hard-earned cash on it. So far, you all have either been very kind, or just indifferent, as you’ve yet to send me to a stinker.
So, the night before the Oscars, the Golden Raspberry Awards will be handed out to the shittiest of the shit, truly earning their spray-painted trophy valued at $4.87. Will anyone show up to accept their awards this year? Who knows? It’s always fun when they do.
The full list of nominees and the YouTube announcement video can be found here.
The Happytime Murders
Holmes & Watson
Etan Coen – Holmes & Watson
Kevin Connolly – Gotti
James Foley – Fifty Shades Freed
Brian Henson – The Happytime Murders
The Spierig Brothers – Winchester
Johnny Depp – Sherlock Gnomes
Will Ferrell – Holmes & Watson
John Travolta – Gotti
Donald Trump – Death of a Nation and Fahrenheit 11/9
Bruce Willis – Death Wish
Jennifer Garner – Peppermint
Amber Heard – London Fields
Melissa McCarthy – The Happytime Murders
Helen Mirren – Winchester
Amanda Seyfried – The Clapper
Worst Supporting Actor
Chris “Ludacris” Bridges – Show Dogs
Jamie Foxx – Robin Hood
Joel McHale – The Happytime Murders
John C. Reilly – Holmes & Watson
Justice Smith – Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom
Worst Supporting Actress
Kellyanne Conway – Fahrenheit 11/9
Marcia Gay Harden – Fifty Shades Freed
Kelly Preston – Gotti
Jaz Sinclair – Slender Man
Melania Trump – Fahrenheit 11/9
Worst Screen Combo (My favorite category, because there’s a lot of good comedy with these pairings)
Any Two Actors or Puppets – The Happytime Murders
Johnny Depp & His Fast-Fading Film Career – Sherlock Gnomes
Will Ferrell & John C. Reilly – Holmes & Watson
Kelly Preston & John Travolta – Gotti
Donald Trump & His Self-Perpetuating Pettiness – Death of a Nation and Fahrenheit 11/9
Worst Prequel, Remake, Rip-off, or Sequel (because sadly, there are enough candidates each year to necessitate the category)
Death of a Nation (remake of Hillary’s America: The Secret History of the Democratic Party)
Death Wish (remake of previous franchise)
Holmes & Watson
The Meg (rip-off of Jaws)
Robin Hood (rip-off of King Arthur: Legend of the Sword)
Death of a Nation
Fifty Shades Freed
The Happytime Murders
My initial thoughts, which are way more than these movies deserve, is that Gotti is going to be the runaway winner. It’s tied with Happytime Murders and Holmes & Watson to lead with six nominations each, but this is a perfect storm of suck. You have John Travolta and his wife playing terrible pastiche gangster characters in a movie inexplicably directed by one of the guys from Entourage. Of the three leaders, I only saw Happytime Murders, and yeah, it was bad, but it was a funny bad. And between these three, Gotti STILL has a 0% on Rotten Tomatoes.
I’m surprised that Jurassic World and Slender Man only got a supporting acting nomination each. Those were the two worst movies of the year that I saw, and the nominations they got were certainly deserved (especially Justice Smith, my God was he terrible), but they should have been up for way more. Gotti was always going to be terrible, as was Winchester, but with these two, I went in with at least some expectation of quality and instead got my intelligence insulted for several combined hours.
I’m also kind of amazed that Fifty Shades Freed got off pretty light considering the glee with which the previous two were roasted by the Razzies. Dinesh D’Souza’s multiple nominations, including Kellyanne Conway and the Trumps, is right in line with the ceremony. D’Souza is a radical political hack and a convicted felon, but like his orange-tinted god, he’s somehow convinced that he alone can save America from evil liberals, and the fact that he still gets funding for his so-called movies is stunning.
Finally, how the hell did A Wrinkle in Time avoid a nomination?
Join the conversation in the comments below! What was the worst movie you saw last year? Are there any seemingly bad movies coming up that you want me to take one for the team on? Do you think Justice Smith can redeem himself with Pikachu as a sidekick? Let me know!