In the midst of all the rigmarole surrounding COVID-19 (I feel like I should be pronouncing it “co-VIDE” since it’s short for “COrona VIrus Disease, but that would open up a whole other can of “gif/jif” worms), there’s still one piece of cinematic business to deal with for 2019, even though it’s literally the first day of Spring 2020. In a somewhat odd fashion, the Razzie committee got ahead of the whole “postponement” curve by delaying their ceremony for this year. Normally taking place the day before the Oscars, the Razzies decided to simply reveal the nominations last month on the normal day, thanks to the Academy moving up its ceremony and accelerating the entire Awards Season cycle.
After that was taken care of, the time came to schedule the actual Razzies event and for voters to cast their ballots. With the purchase of my vote, I was offered free tickets to the ceremony, which was to have taken place last Saturday, the 14th. I wasn’t going to be able to go, because I had to get up at 2am the next morning for my weekend gig at Fox Sports. Then, when my shifts got cancelled for the rest of the month in the wake of the virus, I tried to see if I could still get in, only to find that the lockdown had extended to America’s favorite joke awards show. The ceremony was cancelled, and the “winners” were just revealed online earlier this week.
As expected, the cinematic abomination that was Cats all but swept the proceedings. Sure to go down as one of the worst movies ever made, and only to be appreciated ironically or in a Rocky Horror-style cult following, Tom Hooper’s feline fiasco continues to morbidly fascinate, most recently with the rumor that a cut of the film exists where all the characters have CGI anuses that had to be removed. The film (loosest usage of the word possible) took home a whopping six awards, the most since the Twilight saga mercifully ended with Breaking Dawn Part 2.
Here are the winners, such as they are, as well as my personal vote, since I believe in transparency.
Worst Picture – Cats
Duh, of course I voted for this monstrosity.
Worst Actor – John Travolta – The Fanatic and Trading Paint
I was tempted to let him off the hook, but following Gotti up with TWO stinkers the next year? Yeah, I had to give it to the wickedly untalented Glom Gazingo
Worst Actress – Hilary Duff – The Haunting of Sharon Tate
I don’t care enough about Lizzie McGuire to even give her the time of day. I also already voted for Rebel Wilson for Supporting Actress, so to punish The Hustle, I voted for Anne Hathaway, who should know better than to take these kinds of shitty roles.
Worst Supporting Actress – Rebel Wilson – Cats
See above. Seriously, the weird depth of field when she took off her fur to reveal a bedazzled vest over other fur is some Uncanny Valley shit I’ll never get over. The fact that she also diddles her non-existent genitals and casually eats human-like CGI mice like it’s totally normal sealed the deal.
Worst Supporting Actor – James Corden – Cats
Oh yeah, he got my vote. I used to love James Corden when he was an occasional companion on Doctor Who, but ever since he’s come stateside he’s become increasingly insufferable. Between his celebrity-fellatio talk show, the horrible karaoke, and roles in films like this, Smallfoot, and the equally-inexplicable Emoji Movie, the man has worn out his welcome.
Worst Screen Combo – Any Two Half-Feline/Half-Human Hairballs – Cats
No hesitation. As much as I’m sure Jason Derulo would have loved the attention to his junk, this was a no-brainer. In the nomination phase, I wrote in a nod for “Disney & Its Inability to Leave Well Enough Alone” for all the horrid remakes we had to endure last year.
Worst Screenplay – Lee Hall and Tom Hooper – Cats
Lee Hall wrote Rocketman, for God’s sake! Did the film get snubbed at the Oscars just for his association with this movie?
Worst Director – Tom Hooper – Cats
Never forget that this is the man who gave us The King’s Speech AND Les Misérables! As much as I loved the latter, he should have known after trying to get Russell Crowe to sing on-key to quit while he was ahead. He did not, and he more than earned this award. If the movie had been made at the time the musical Cats first came out, it would have ended his career. Thankfully, the whole “what have you done for me lately” mentality has largely faded in Hollywood, so he’ll rebound from this, I’m sure.
Worst Remake, Rip-Off, or Sequel – Rambo: Last Blood
I voted for Dark Phoenix, because of all the nominees, it’s the only one that fits all three parts of the title. It’s a sequel to the current X-Men timeline of movies, it’s essentially a remake of X-Men: The Last Stand, which dealt with the same central character, and it’s a rip-off of the Phoenix Saga, easily the most famous story arc in the franchise’s history. That said, I consider the entire category fraudulent as not one Disney remake was nominated, or even on the shortlist for us to vote. I could only write in one, so I chose Dumbo, but the entire category should have been Disney remakes.
Worst Reckless Disregard for Human Life and Public Property – Rambo: Last Blood
Stallone got my vote here, mostly because the entire premise of Last Blood is turning a farm into a giant, adult Home Alone death trap.
Razzie Redeemer Award – Eddie Murphy – Dolemite is My Name
This award is a separate vote that I did not get to cast. Only the elites of the committee get to vote on this one. I’m still torn between Eddie Murphy and Adam Sandler, though I think I would have voted Murphy if I got the chance, since Sandler has taken the goodwill from Uncut Gems and basically flushed it down the toilet by promising to make the worst movie he can possibly imagine in retaliation for his Oscar snub. Not much of a redemption story if you ask me.
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That’s all for the Razzies. It was fun getting to vote. Don’t know if I’ll do it again next year, but it was certainly an interesting distraction. This officially, and finally, closes the book on 2019 in cinema. Now we get to sit around and wait for the book on 2020 to truly open, since we’re all stuck inside. I’ve got a couple of reviews in the chamber for films I was able to see before everything shut down, so stay tuned.
Join the conversation in the comments below! Do you agree with these results? Did you torture yourself by seeing any of these movies? Seriously, buttholes? Jesus Christ! Let me know!