This Film is Not Yet Watchable – August 2023

Normally I’d begin this column with a statement about how August is essentially the second month of the year unofficially designated as a studio dumping ground. We’re at the end of Blockbuster Season, which means most of the tentpole movies have had their moment in the spotlight – for better or worse – and that these are the last dregs of the “popcorn” fare before September begins and we start getting into Awards Season (with Halloween and Christmas pictures being holiday-specific diversions). I’d probably also lament the fact that my birthday falls in this month, including on a Friday this year so that it coincides with general releases, but that there’s rarely a film worth seeing as a present to myself.

But then the world provided a gift of its own in the form of yet another legal bitch slap to the person I’ve come to call, “The Manchurian Cantaloupe.” The federal case against him is a fascinating read, mostly because of how blatant and overt the alleged criminality is because it basically all happened in plain sight, some of it on live television.

However, I’m not here to discuss politics, or debate why this is even considered political rather than a matter of law and order, facts against fiction, consequences for one’s actions, or good versus evil. Really, I’m just using it as a pretext to frame this month’s listing, and the timing was just too perfect. So consider this missive of “TFINYW” to be something more akin to “The People of I Actually Paid to See This (Me) vs. Shitty Movies and/or Bad Marketing.”

Rolls off the tongue, doesn’t it? In all seriousness, though, let’s have fun with this topical concept. We have nine trailers to discuss in the main body of the article this time around, outnumbering the passable previews, of which there are only seven. Mind you, this is not including the awful-sounding Vacation Friends 2 and You Are So Not Invited to My Bat Mitzvah, which don’t have trailers available online at the time of publication, otherwise the fail/win ratio would likely be even worse. Anyway, instead of doing the usual griping and sarcasm, why not make this into our own little indictment of Hollywood trash? As we go along, I’ll delineate the crimes against cinema that each of our defendants should answer for in the court of public opinion and box office, since we can’t literally throw the people who greenlight these flicks into prison.

So answer that annoying summons in your mailbox and prepare to do your duty as my personal movie grand jury. This is the August 2023 edition of “This Film is Not Yet Watchable!”

Meg 2: The Trench – August 4

The People make the following allegations of criminal activity:

1. Improper Use of Heart – The song is literally called “Barracuda,” not “Shark.” Also, while barracudas are predatory, they are scavengers rather than apex, basically pose no real threat to humans, and even the largest species only grow to about five feet in length. They might bite a person, but they could never affect the type of mass death that a megalodon could.
2. Conspiracy to Make Shark Movies a Thing – There has been exactly ONE good film about a killer shark, and that’s Jaws. All others are pale imitations or, at best, campy send-ups. This subgenre of action and survival horror has persisted for nearly 50 years and has yet to produce anything remotely scary or exciting since that original blockbuster. For previous precedent, see “The People vs. Deep Blue Sea and LL Cool J’s Shark Fin-Resembling Hat.”
3. Violations of the Laws of Physics – Throughout the trailer, the scale of the sharks is completely lacking in consistency. Sometimes they can swallow several people at once, others they’re small enough to be kicked in the snout by Jason Statham. One eats a T-rex with ease while another struggles with a paddleboat. Further, an expedition goes to the Mariana Trench, the deepest part of the Pacific Ocean and the planet as a whole, and yet people can easily walk on the ocean floor despite a lack of light and a level of water pressure that would squish every rich guy submarine in existence.
4. Conspiracy to Obstruct Logic – The whole trailer, and by inference the film itself, is trying to sell itself as a fun parade of fodder kills, conducting itself with a “Just go with it” approach. The People assert that there is nothing fun about any of this.
5. Improper Use of Language – The first film was called The Meg, referencing a nickname for the titular prehistoric predator. This one is called Meg 2, implying it is a sequel story about a person named Meg, rather than a continuation of the saga about the species. Further, there are three “Megs” mentioned, hunting as a pack. The People petition to have the entire project either renamed to align with the laws of English grammar, or be scrapped entirely in favor of two movies about Mila Kunis’ character from Family Guy constantly being told to shut up.

The Last Voyage of the Demeter – August 11

The People make the following allegations of criminal activity:

1. Aggravated Spoiling – The title literally says that this is the “last” voyage. So, why should anyone bother seeing it? Everyone dies, the end. The story is already told in the name. Nothing else is needed.
2. Desecration of Literature – The film is based on the “Captain’s Log” chapter of Bram Stoker’s original Dracula novel. Yes, you read correctly, an entire movie based on one chapter, and again, one we already know, because I’ll just let you in on a secret now, Dracula reaches his destination.
3. Improper Use of a Crabber’s Son – Liam Cunningham is a fine actor, but after Game of Thrones, no one will ever see him as anyone other than Davos Seaworth, especially if you make him a boat captain. Who the hell thought casting him like this was a good idea?
4. Animal Abuse – You don’t introduce an adorable dog named Huckleberry just to make it the victim of a jump scare. No! You do not even IMPLY that you hurt doggos! No!
5. Plagiarism of Plagiarism – The design on Dracula is literally that of Count Orlok from Nosferatu. Even worse, it’s almost entirely CGI.
6. Improper Alteration of Music – Although the use of the Smashing Pumpkins hit, “Bullet with Butterfly Wings” is somewhat appropriate in the most literal sense (including the opening lyric, “The world is a vampire sent to drain”) it has unfortunately fallen victim to the “trailerization” of popular music by repurposing it as some sort of moody dirge rather than just letting it play as normal, as if the edits and production changes make the song more dramatic. It is a crime that has been perpetrated for the last two decades, and not a single person is impressed with its continued use.

Heart of Stone – August 11

The People make the following allegations of criminal activity:

1. Failure to Wonder a Woman – Let’s just admit what we’re all thinking. Gal Gadot is awesome, but any time she’s doing a Wonder Woman role when it’s not actually Wonder Woman is a complete waste of time. It gets especially egregious in cases like this where her espionage isn’t specifically aligned with any one nation, a convenient trick to try to make her heavy Israeli accent seem plausible when working with Americans and Europeans.
2. Unlawful Creation of a MacGuffin – The entire plot centers on “The Heart,” a nebulous device that can crash markets and airplanes, and is the key to all the security in the world. Yeah, Mission: Impossible just did this (the film tries to sell itself on the basis of sharing Executive Producers, as if that matters from a creative standpoint), and did so in a way that actually makes the threat clear. This is just another generic globetrotting action flick where people try to get a thing that does stuff.
3. Conspiracy to Induce Tinnitus – Can action movies – really all movies but it happens more in this genre – please stop with the practice of using high-pitched tones in place of actual sound effects during scenes of destruction? It’s making my ears bleed!
4. Failure to Cut Losses – The film itself has already confessed to this charge, as the trailer ends with the following lines of dialogue: “Chance of success just plummeted.” “Only ’cause you’ve got no imagination.” Defendant is admitting that there is no creativity in the project, and that it has almost no probability to entertain audiences and become something that Netflix can designate as a win.

Red, White & Royal Blue – August 11

The People make the following allegations of criminal activity:

1. Conspiracy to Defraud Audiences with Shit They’ve Already Seen – It’s a rom-com. That’s all it is. It doesn’t matter if the central couple is gay. It’s still just a standard-ass rom-com, filled to the brim with all the rom-com clichés about being young and in love, pretending you hate someone before hooking up, and being all sad that there are any manufactured obstacles. A change in character demographics does not count as originality.
2. Conspiracy to Depict a Presidential Failson as a Protagonist – It doesn’t matter what side of the aisle you’re on, you can agree with this. If you’re a liberal, you sure as hell wouldn’t want a rom-com about Don Jr. or Eric, and if you’re a conservative, you wouldn’t want one about Hunter. All of these men are genuinely uninteresting fuckups, and so is our ostensible lead.
3. Failure to Check Privilege – This is a love story between a British Prince and the son of the U.S. President (Uma Thurman looks to be completely wasted in her scenes). Their so-called “forbidden romance” is the height of rich asshole bullshit. You literally have unfettered wealth and opportunity (and somehow when it’s convenient for the scene, a complete lack of security detail). Get over yourselves, you can have anything you want. Shut up.
4. Aggravated Assault with a Pastry – Cake slapstick hasn’t been funny since the Three Stooges, and the People assert that it is simply a waste of perfectly good cake.

Blue Beetle – August 18

The People make the following allegations of criminal activity:

1. Premeditated Grand Larceny – If you watch this trailer for even 30 seconds and can’t see that this is just a ripoff of Tom Holland’s Spider-Man, complete with AI-controlled Iron Spidey suit, I don’t know what to tell you. Yes, the concept of the Blue Beetle predates Spider-Man in the comics, but a) I don’t care because we’re judging movies not source material, and b) THIS version didn’t debut until 2006, so for practical purposes, either way this is outright theft.
2. Failure to Comply with Established Procedures – The inciting incident involves Jaime Reyes being given a box with the symbiotic “Scarab” inside, being explicitly told not to open it, and then opening it. Am I really supposed to root for someone who can’t follow simple instructions?
3. Failure to Deviate from Established Procedures – Literally every scene in this preview follows the DC Extended Universe formula, from the unwilling hero, to the wacky hijinks that come with discovering powers, to the derring-do and CGI battles that the character hasn’t earned. For the record, this is a formula that has decidedly failed on a large scale, and this movie only exists so that David Zaslav and his goons can attempt to bilk the audience out of a little more money before James Gunn gets to officially attempt to right the ship. They cancelled Batgirl, but still let Black Adam, Shazam! 2, The Flash, and this go forward.
4. Excessive Property Damage – In the trailer alone, Reyes blows a hole in his roof and cuts a city bus in half. Something tells me he will bear no fiscal responsibility for his actions.
5. Failure to Complete a Sentence – In the middle of the trailer, the video cuts to text reading, “This summer,” but never completes the thought. There is no other text. This was quasi-corrected in later versions where added text continues with the tagline, “He’s a superhero whether he likes it or not,” or something to that effect. Here though, it just comes off as lazy, bad editing. This summer what? This summer… WHAT?!
6. Unlawful Mishandling of an Oscar Winner – Seriously, how many great actors have to be denigrated in thankless roles as interchangeable comic book movie villains? Poor Susan Sarandon. I hope the paycheck was at least appropriately massive. At least George Lopez gets to be a good guy.
7. False Advertising – The video ends with the Scarab declaring, “Whatever you can imagine, I can create.” This is shown to be just an out-and-out lie, as Blue Beetle then proceeds to make a big CGI sword. Yeah, we can all imagine something better than this. That’s why these superhero movies have been in sharp decline for the last few years. We imagine something great, and you just force feed us the same old shit.

Landscape with Invisible Hand – August 18

The People make the following allegations of criminal activity:

1. Excessive Use of Pretentiousness – The title alone would tell you that this is some artsy-fartsy nonsense. The inclusion of “Do You Realize??” by The Flaming Lips would then solidify that impression. The reveal of the story – that teenagers fake having a high school romance for the benefit of aliens who don’t understand the concept – removes all reasonable doubt.
2. Promotion of Underage Sexual Relations – These are teenagers literally broadcasting their courtship over interstellar social media. Logically, that would include at least the implication of sex… that aliens can watch. Aliens get to tune in to see children boinking. That’s messed up.
3. Illicit Pornography – The fact that the characters earn money for this voyeurism would normally be permissible under pornographic art statutes, but again, since, the participants are underage, it’s basically kiddie porn.
4. Harboring Illegal Aliens – One of the space creatures apparently moves in with the family of one of the leads. That shit is textbook.
5. Unlawful Allegiance to Another Government’s Laws – Part of the underlying conflict is that humans not only “perform” romance for an audience of spacemen, but they can also be sued by those very poorly designed and rendered CGI abominations for faking it. Sorry, but this is America, we are the jurisdiction, and you cannot cede authority. Also, in America, faking it is the cornerstone of porn.

Retribution – August 25

The People make the following allegations of criminal activity:

1. Improper Maritime Operations – The use of “Row, Row, Row Your Boat” as the ringtone for the killer is annoying the first time you hear it, and enough to make you murder indiscriminately by the end. And I say this knowing that they only play the song three times.
2. Failure to Watch Taken – You’d figure people would learn to stop fucking with Liam Neeson by this point. Sadly, you’d be wrong, because apparently there are still people out there who haven’t seen the pinnacle of his ass-kickery, and therefore decide to threaten him within the movie, as well as people in the real world who continue to make projects of vastly diminishing returns based on this premise.
3. Speed-ing – A mysterious bomber calling in threats to someone and somehow orchestrating an entire plot around the protagonist being in a vehicle at a given time? Where have I seen this before?
4. Killing in the Name of… Nothing – The bomber literally blows up several cars as part of his scheme, including the one containing a Matthew Modine he wants Neeson to kill. He explodes the car after Neeson refuses to pull the trigger, essentially forfeiting his own life for his friend. So what was the point? You were going to kill Modine anyway. I am so sick of this trope of making the hero suffer when the intent is to off him in the end no matter what. Does the bomber think Neeson will get to Heaven and feel eternally guilty or something? He’s dead either way if your plan works. Why complicate things? If you want him dead, just have the balls to go kill him and cut the theatrics. It gains you nothing.

The Retirement Plan – August 25

The People make the following allegations of criminal activity:

1. Willful Negligence of an Uncaged Nicolas – Come on, you all have to know the moment you mess with Nic Cage you’re going to get all the insanity of Gary Busey with the body count of John Wick. The fact that random goons still don’t recognize this is just stupid.
2. Dereliction of Ghostbusting Duties – Does Ernie Hudson need a paycheck this badly? And why is it up to Cage to create all the dead spirits?
3. Child Endangerment – Cage has a granddaughter who mysteriously shows up at his beach house to tell him of her parents’ peril. She then tags along for most of the carnage. People, there are babysitting services you can find online to remove her from the equation. They’re all fairly simple to use. You don’t need to scar her for life and pretend it’s fun for her.

The Hill – August 25

The People make the following allegations of criminal activity:

1. Unlawful Impersonation – This is The Rookie, right down to the inclusion of Dennis Quaid. The only difference is that this movie throws in some Forrest Gump leg braces and unearned Christian overtones for good measure. The film is co-written by Angelo Pizzo, who wrote Hoosiers and Rudy, and the saccharine grandstanding of those entries is on full display here.
2. Making False Statements – The movie purports to tell the “true” story of Rickey Hill, who overcame disability to become a Major League Baseball player. The problem is that a simple Google search will turn up his professional statistics from Baseball Reference. He played four seasons of minor league ball from 1975-1978. In his first year, he played for the Lethbridge Expos, a Rookie League affiliate of the then-Montreal Expos (now known as the Washington Nationals), and that’s the closest he ever came to even sniffing an MLB roster. His three subsequent years were all with non-affiliated Single-A teams, all of which no longer exist. The nearest of the three to the majors was his final squad, the Grays Harbor Loggers, which briefly became aligned with the New York Mets the year after Hill left the sport. So, quite literally, this is not a true story as advertised. But hey, there’s plenty of talk about how God has a plan for him, and since when does God have a problem with dishonesty? Why not just tell the story of how a disabled kid grew up to play professional baseball without outright lying about him playing in MLB?
3. Willful Disregard for Human Health and Safety – Like far too many films about “inspirational” triumphs over adversity, the cliché of the father who doesn’t believe in our hero is laid on thicker than pine tar. Quaid constantly tells Rickey that baseball will end for him, and that he doesn’t want others encouraging him to injure himself chasing the impossible. Of course, that makes him the villain, a pastor who can’t even see the miracles happening right in front of his eyes (this sanctimonious point brought to you by Joelle Carter), and not the one sane person in the room looking out for his son’s wellbeing. There’s even a scene where a doctor tells him his leg bones are deteriorating and his ability to walk ever again is in jeopardy. Is this taken as a caution? No, of course not. It’s just another nonbeliever getting in the way of the Almighty’s plan, which is, as previously stated, to let this kid play minor league ball for four years at great risk to life and limb. I’m sure Quaid will come around to the obvious divine will at work here by the end. Yay God!

***

With those proceedings entered into the court record, we now come to the most egregious offender, “The Worst Trailer in the World!” This month, we’re putting a different primate on trial than all the humans mentioned so far.

The Monkey King – August 18

Okay, I’m abandoning the indictment bit at this point, but suffice to say, I think I make my case pretty clear in the video. Slay this simian and serve his brains to Kate Capshaw!

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Finally, as always, we end on a more positive note – call it a pardon or exoneration if you want to keep with the theme – with this month’s “Redemption Reel.” The winner this time around is a film that, upon hearing the premise, I was totally prepared to levy charges against, similar to those of The Hill and Red, White & Royal Blue, but sometimes imitation really is the highest form of flattery, especially when you take an old concept in new directions.

Bottoms – August 25

I mean, they say it right in the video that they’re starting their own Fight Club, which makes that an obvious potential copying issue, but when you see how over-the-top everyone involved in this is, as well as the underlying plot to exact vengeance upon popular cliques and football players, you can see some shades of Heathers and Revenge of the Nerds as well, though without the more problematic aspects. As such, I see this more as a Booksmart-style take on the sexualized action comedy than an actual ripoff or demographic swap remake.

It also doesn’t hurt that the cast looks to be fully committed to the bit, with some very strong talent at the top. I’ve been a fan of Rachel Sennott since Shiva Baby (director Emma Seligman helms this project as well, and co-wrote it with Sennott), and Ayo Edebiri is just coming off a rousing success in a supporting role in Theater Camp (to say nothing of her success on Abbott Elementary and Big Mouth). And then, in what may be the biggest surprise of the summer, you have former NFL star Marshawn Lynch as the main teacher helping this new “self-defense” club (it’s really a means to beat up jocks and explore their budding lesbianism). Not only is it ironic to have an All-Pro, Super Bowl-winning, likely future Hall-of-Fame football player working against the school football team, but in the scenes of the trailer where he’s featured, he’s got some pretty decent comedic chops.

I’m genuinely curious as to just how far this movie is willing to go. Given what I’ve seen so far, it looks to be full throttle, and I am here for it!

***

That’s all for this month, everyone. No matter what you watch over the next few weeks, I truly hope you enjoy it. Now if we can expedite the trials please…

Join the conversation in the comments below! Do you plan to see any of these films? Was I too harsh on any of them? Should I try to do more thematic presentations of this column? Let me know! Also, don’t forget to follow me on Twitter (fuck “X”) and YouTube!