It’s been a hot minute since I’ve posted anything, but for once there’s good reason. I spent five days last week covering AFI Fest, taking in a whopping 16 films over the course of the festival. Tomorrow I’ll be getting up at the ass crack of dawn for four days of election work going through Tuesday. Each of these are projects I’m very passionate about, but they do take up 12 hours or more each day. Suffice to say, sleep has been at a premium, so I haven’t been able to cobble together any reviews over the last fortnight. I literally just cleared my 2023 backlog, and I’ve already set up another one here, with several International Feature submissions to go over, as well as two releases left over from October and two more that I still need to see, plus whatever I feel like taking in on this first week of November. So yeah, this is most certainly not my usual case of being lazy and/or needing some mental health time.
This is why I’m up against the deadline of literally writing this column on the first day of the month. I even somehow rushed through the creation of the “Worst Trailer” video just before I created this post. Things have been BUSY. Thankfully, the movie calendar has given me a little bit of a respite to compensate. As we dive headfirst into Awards Season, we only have 11 trailers that have earned a dubious spot in this column. There was a time when 11 would be considered overwhelming, but in 2024, it’s actually a light load. The number still comprises just under half of the releases for November (12 passable out of 23 total), but it’s been a lot worse over the past few cycles.
So let’s get to it, shall we? My plate is extremely full at the moment, and we’re still weeks away from Thanksgiving. More importantly, I need to get to bed ASAP if I’m going to be lucid enough to perform my civic duty for the next several days. This is the November 2024 edition of “This Film is Not Yet Watchable!”
Absolution – November 1
It’s another Liam Neeson beat-em-up. If you’re still into them, you’ll probably like this just fine. I’m running out of steam. This one looks especially weak, what with Neeson’s accent going all over the place and the whole “I used to be a bad guy, but I want to redeem myself, but I still have to commit crimes to do it” motif.
It looks to be far from the worst he’s ever put out (that’d be Retribution), but it still looks pretty bad.
The Gutter – November 1
I’m all for crazy comedies, but this is not it. Instead, it’s Kingpin by way of Dodgeball, and for some reason, the star is Miles Morales Spider-Man (tell me you hear anything other than his voice in every clip) sparring with the bad guy from Blue Beetle who’s still playing a one-note racist, only now she makes Wakanda references. This doesn’t even rise to the level of a deleted scene from The Big Lebowski.
Lost on a Mountain in Maine – November 1
This is presented as a harrowing story about survival in an unforgiving wilderness. Based on the trailer, it’s really just whiny kids with dad issues and a walking advertisement as to why no one should ever go hiking. I’d say I expect more from Sylvester Stallone, but we all know that’s a lie.
As a side note, this is part of why the 11 entries on this month’s list don’t feel nearly as daunting as they normally would. I’m already through three of them without needing to spend but five paragraphs. These really are so simplistically bad that I can sum up the issues without a long-winded diatribe.
Christmas Eve in Miller’s Point – November 8
A dysfunctional family Christmas movie can make for a really fun time at the theatre. I should know. I’ve already seen it multiple times with A Christmas Story, Christmas Vacation, and Home Alone. So what does this latest dip into the well offer? Pretty much nothing.
This entire trailer is little more than a bunch of horrible characters, weird 80s movie throwbacks (including another Dan LaFontaine sound-alike narrator) despite clear instances of modern technology, ethnic stereotypes, nepotism (the film stars the children of Steven Spielberg and Martin Scorsese, along with Elsie Fisher), and for some reason a kid screaming at a firetruck like they’ve just met a member of BTS. The only remotely relatable image in the whole thing is the sight of that poor dog with its paws against the window hoping against hope that it can escape. I feel that dog’s pain.
There’s also a bit of scheduling confusion in this. I list the release date as 11/8, but apparently it’s been pushed back to the 15th. I’ll stick with what’s literally written in on-screen text in the trailer, but if anyone does want to see it, this is an unnecessary degree of difficulty. It’s also somewhat ironic, as another release for the 8th was moved up from the 15th to avoid competition with another Christmas movie at the box office. Yet somehow, this one appears to have moved so that it can directly compete? I don’t get it.
Gladiator II – November 22
Now we move on to the so-called main event of the month, the cynical attempt to create another “Barbenheimer” at the cinema with the release of two tentpole movies side by side. The problem here is that with Barbie and Oppenheimer, those were two films that looked awesome in their own right long before a hashtag developed organically and was put out by the masses. Here, it’s the studios trying to manufacture social media buzz (while conveniently only allowing friendly press into advance screenings and embargoing reviews until the week of release, which always projects confidence) for films no one really asked for, and they can’t even coordinate their portmanteau properly. I’ve heard the likes of “Glicked,” “Wickadiator,” and “Gladidicked.” The fact that you don’t know which ones I made up shows you how absurd this all is.
As for the actual movie, does anyone really care? It’s a sequel to Gladiator, a good film that got overblown to Oscar glory nearly 25 years ago, and that no one was clamoring to see a follow-up. I like Paul Mescal, Pedro Pascal, and Denzel Washington as much as the next guy, but the previews show me nothing new or exciting. Hell, the CGI looks about the same as it did last time out, and there’s no excuse for that.
Early, curated reactions are largely positive, with some saying that this is Ridley Scott’s best work since The Martian. That’s all well and good, but consider Scott’s output in the intervening years. Since that tremendous effort, he’s put out Alien: Covenant, All the Money in the World, The Last Duel, House of Gucci, and Napoleon. Only one of those five films was worth more than the match to burn the reels, and even that one got kneecapped because of Scott making one devastatingly stupid editorial decision. So is this laudatory praise – again, delivered by people who were only invited to the screening to provide exactly that – really saying all that much? I’m sure the picture will be perfectly adequate, but let’s slow our collective roll on the nihilistic marketing ploys, shall we?
Wicked – November 22
And here’s the other half of this campaign, the half-movie adaptation of the popular stage musical. Oh yeah, you might not know about that part. Yeah, strictly speaking, this is only Wicked: PART ONE! The trailers literally end with what is reported to be the final shot of the film, with Elphaba (Cynthia Erivo) flying through a window at the end of “Defying Gravity.” The rest of the flick won’t come out for another year, yet the previews tell you none of that, probably because you’d be less inclined to shell out your money for a tactic that wore out its welcome a decade ago.
So of course, the natural way to play this is to pretend there is no second part, and lobby HARD for ticket sales and hardware. Jon M. Chu and company are sparing no expense to get you to see this and demand it win all the Oscars. The previews have literally run before every film I’ve seen for the last six months, regardless of genre, save for The Apprentice (review to come). The merchandising budget is off the chart. AMC is trying to incorporate it into everything, including its post-trailer pre-Kidman ads for itself. Both Erivo and Ariana Grande presented at this year’s Oscars just to plug the movie, with the latter wearing what looked like a pink marshmallow balloon in place of a dress. Hell, they even did shit at the Olympics. There are brand deals with dozens of different companies, and like Gladiator II, the first screenings were solely for friendly critics, awards voters, and influencers, all of whom were predisposed to fawn over it.
And all of this is for a movie that looks, honestly, like shit. First of all, casting Grande is an instant turnoff for anyone who likes good music and acting. She plays a snot-nosed, entitled brat who looks down on anyone who isn’t as rich and privileged as her. I mean, where does she find her inspiration? Next you’ll be telling me that she demanded Chu only film her from her left side. Second, you have Jeff Goldblum as the Wizard, which makes no sense. I love me some Goldblum, but given his acting style, it just doesn’t fit. It’s like someone saw the Nostalgia Critic video where he called Goldblum “The Wizard of Uhs” and decided to make good on the joke. The scenery is just standard CGI bullshit, the setting of a school will never be able to avoid Harry Potter comparisons (I know the book came before the HP series, but the HP movies came first, so the contrast/ripoff will be noted), and Erivo’s “I am” line reading to being told she’s green implies a surprise as if she’s never noticed this before – and it’s rich as hell coming from Grande wearing all pink as if that’s not also a violation of the school’s uniform code.
It all just smacks of desperation, whereas “Barbenheimer” occurred naturally. You don’t pull out all these stops if the movie is anywhere near as good as you claim it is. The purported budget of the film is $145 million, and I genuinely wonder how much of that went to marketing alone. It has to be at least half. This is the type of movie we should be actively shunning during Awards Season, not embracing, especially because, again, it’s only half a movie. At least with Lord of the Rings we were told upfront that it was a trilogy, but that each film had a self-contained story, so the Academy could take each installment on its own merits. No such honesty or credibility here.
Spellbound – November 22
In case you thought Wicked was going to be the only bastardization of classic stories coming out this month, Netflix has you covered, I guess. Here we have Spellbound, where Rachel Zegler apparently primed up for her role ruining Snow White for Disney’s upcoming remake by voicing a generically perfect princess heroine in a forgettable streaming animated film with no sense of humor. Seriously, whoever wrote the “five stars” joke should be shot into the sun.
Still, worse than the Brave knockoff story (the king and queen are turned into monsters in an enchanted forest, or some such nonsense), worse than the sparkling vomit, worse than the lame jokes, and even worse than the inclusion of Tone Lōc’s “Wild Thing” in a kids movie (it’s literally a song about fucking), is the unmitigated gall to try to associate this aggressively average animation with the likes of Pixar. The on-screen text mentions “the visionary behind Toy Story,” and several other films from the studio (even though this is Skydance and has no affiliation with Pixar; and who would ever consider Cars or Cars 2 to be bragging points), referring to John Lasseter, who serves as a Producer because he’s in charge of Skydance’s animation division. We’ll conveniently ignore the fact that he left Disney and Pixar due to multiple allegations of sexual misconduct, and instead pretend that he’s some kind of genius who totally made this film (one font is spared for the actual director, Vicky Jenson, noted as the “co-director of Shrek“), instead of just sending studio notes back and forth. And that’s long before we get to the fact that this looks nowhere near the quality that Lasseter’s former employers put out. Even their shittiest works like The Good Dinosaur would look like Citizen fucking Kane next to this mediocrity.
Armor – November 22
“Murphy’s Law is this. If something can go wrong, it will go wrong.”
So says Sly Stallone at the beginning of this trailer for a mindless shoot-em-up heist movie in which he stars alongside *checks notes* Jason Patric. Well, I guess he’s right. The fact that this was even greenlit proves it.
September 5 – November 29
Let me be clear upfront. I don’t think this will be a bad movie. The only truly derivative element is the fact that this is about the murders at the Munich Olympics, and we already have the movie Munich to deal with that. This honestly looks like a fine film that explores journalistic ethics in a crisis situation, and I’m interested in the degree of nuance it might employ.
My actual objections are two-fold. One, if you’re going to put out a movie about the essential nature of the fourth estate, it would have been so much better to do so before the election, because depending on the outcome, the idea of a free and independent press may soon be in jeopardy. Second, my fucked up brain can’t get over the fact that a movie called September 5 is coming out on November 29. Why not just release it in September? The 5th fell on a Thursday this year. It would have made perfect sense to release it on the 6th, knowing that Thursday previews would put it on the correct date. What idiot decided to turn away from an obviously lucrative and memorable release in favor of being the only new option on Black Friday? I’ve mentioned before that my family used to have a tradition of going to see movies on that day, but that was because we wanted to avoid the mad shoppers and have a relatively empty theatre to ourselves. To bank on your awards bait film to bring in the money on this specific weekend, while projections show Gladiator and Wicked likely continuing to rake in cash on their second weeks, AND two days after Moana 2 comes out is to be incredibly short-sighted.
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Would you look at that, folks? We’re almost done! I told you this would feel a little lighter than previous go-rounds. Anyway, it’s time for “The Worst Trailer in the World,” and for the second time this year, I’m actually featuring multiple entries. If you know me, or have read this column for any length of time, you know I’m a stickler for logic and order, and I get extremely annoyed when things disrupt that. It’s the INFJ in me, apparently. Well, one of the ways that annoyance is manifested is when capitalism forces Christmas into any period before Thanksgiving, and it’s even more egregious and craven when faith is monetized. I’ll never tell anyone how they should worship or interpret the season, but I will always quibble when crass cash grabs are put out to exploit the sentiment. And so, this month, we have two previews representing both extremes of this depressing spectrum.
The Best Christmas Pageant Ever – November 8
Red One – November 15
All I want for Christmas is my SA-NI-TY!
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Finally, I release you from your reading with the monthly “Redemption Reel.” You know how I feel about religion in horror and suspense movies, but every once in a while we get an exception to the rule, mostly because the practice is used as a backdrop, rather than a supernatural deus ex machina for salvation and damnation. The chills come from the human element, not some interpretation of a magic man in the clouds. This film looks to be right up my alley in that respect.
Heretic – November 8
As Hugh Grant has aged out of his charmingly befuddled leading man persona of the 90s, he’s gotten the chance to really stretch his legs and show off some utterly delightful acting chops. Whether it’s a smarmy shit-kicker in The Gentlemen or a silly cameo in Glass Onion, you can tell he’s getting to have a lot more fun with his work, rather than having to rely on stale rom-coms.
Well, here in Heretic, it appears he’s taking it to the next level, as a sadistic killer who traps two Mormon missionaries in his puzzle box death maze of a house. The idea of an exploitation film centering on a practice that is inherently exploitative, i.e. sending teenagers to accost/convert the masses as part of a rite of passage in the church, is intriguing in and of itself, but to make it seemingly so cerebral, to turn it into a mental game as much as it is a death game, is really going for the gusto. In a year where we have been dying for even a degree of originality, this is so needed, whether you’re a person of faith or not. The idea of exploration and questioning is essential, and if we can get Hugh Grant going full Nic Cage while doing it, so much the better.
The film debuted in Toronto last month, and also screened at AFI Fest as a red carpet premiere, which means I couldn’t go, but I’m so looking forward to it. It’s already out in the U.K., and it has a 95% rating a week before release. This is the kind of stuff you should be seeking out during Awards Season, not shameless bait like “Gladidickedor.”
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That’s all for this month, everyone. As always, I hope you enjoy yourselves at the cinema, no matter what you watch. Take care of yourselves, enjoy Thanksgiving in a few weeks, and if you haven’t already, go vote. You may not get another chance.
Join the conversation in the comments below! Are you planning to see any of these films? Was I too hard on any of them? What sort of hellscape will we become if Ariana Grande wins an Oscar before Lin-Manuel Miranda? Let me know! And remember, you can follow me on Twitter (fuck “X”) and subscribe to my YouTube channel for even more content, and check out the entire BTRP Media Network at btrpmedia.com!
I Actually Paid To See This 