As I’ve mentioned a fair few times over the last fortnight, the timeline for this year’s Oscar Blitz had to be compressed due to the fire-induced delay in announcing the nominees. What is usually seven to eight weeks for this process is reduced to just over five, leaving me with little time to do anything else, and weekends devoted to catching up my backlog and doing my best to keep up with regular coverage here on the blog.
One of the necessary casualties of this squeezed schedule is the monthly “Worst Trailer in the World” video. Normally I have time to seek out my awful previews, find one worth joking about, and pull a video together around the Oscar coverage. Not so this time. I was only able to watch the February trailers a few days ago, and I would have had to write, shoot, edit, and fully turn around a video by tonight in order to make it into this month’s column, as I always try to get this out before the first releases of the month, which would be this coming Friday. It’s the latest possible start to the month, but because the weekdays are earmarked for the Blitz, that left me basically only 24 hours. I’m no magician.
But in a weird twist of fate, for once, things aren’t so bad this month. There are nine previews to discuss in this month’s column, having earned their dubious placements, but nothing really jumped out to me as inherently ripe for parody. Last year at this time we got one of the worst movies of the modern era in Madame Web, with a cringeworthy preview that had already gone viral for how bad it was. My job was honestly easier than it had ever been. This time around, however, none of the films to be discussed seem that particularly awful, at least not in a way that lends itself to jokes.
So maybe I dodged a bullet this time. I hate to put the series on hold for the next four weeks, but at the same time, I am putting together six videos for the Blitz, so it’s still a net positive. I do apologize if you were waiting with bated breath for whatever I would mock this month, but believe me, it’s for the best. I don’t burn myself out, nor do I have to struggle for gags that don’t really work. If it’s any consolation, next month’s “winner” is already all but set in stone. I’ll obviously watch all the previews to see if something overtakes it, but it’ll take something monumentally crappy to beat the current front-runner.
With that in mind, let’s get to the business at hand. The groundhog saw his shadow today, so that means six more weeks of shit, and probably a whole lot more, because God does not love us, and we are meant to wander this Earth until we die alone. How’s that for a Valentine’s Day card? This is the February 2025 edition of “This Film is Not Yet Watchable!”
Renner – February 7
Despite my fondest hopes and wishes, this is somehow not a biopic about the lamest of the Avengers. Instead, it’s Frankie Muniz using AI to create a life coach to guide him in the ways of romance. YEESH!
On the one hand, it’s good to see Muniz back in the business and getting work again, and it’s good to see him doing something other than kiddie fare or Malcolm in the Middle (which is apparently being rebooted, in case you needed proof of what I said about God a couple paragraphs ago). But this is just sad, man. It’s essentially Her without any tenderness or nuance, and somehow Muniz’s character is also a modern Norman Bates who programs his mother into the code. I’m both horrified and morbidly intrigued.
Of all the trailers this month, this one probably would have given me the most fodder for jokes, but it’s going up against Heart Eyes and Love Hurts this coming weekend, which means it’ll be completely buried, so even if I had the time, it wouldn’t be worth it, because no one’s going to see this, and few will even be aware it exists, meaning the channel gets no traffic. I’ve got my own algorithms to deal with, so there’s no point in wasting more energy on Frankie’s.
When I’m Ready – February 7
It’s hard to make fun of independent movies, because these are largely passion projects from people with big ambitions finally getting their shot. So take what I say mostly as constructive criticism rather than an outright lambasting. Andrew Ortenberg writes and stars in this romance between two young people who learn they only have days left to live, as a storm of asteroids is about to collide with the Earth and basically end all life on the planet.
It’s not the worst idea I’ve ever heard, but it’s been done before, most notably in the 2012 apocalyptic rom-com, Seeking a Friend for the End of the World. That film wasn’t a rousing success, but it found an audience, and Steve Carell and Keira Knightley certainly garnered praise for their performances.
That doesn’t mean this film can’t work, it’s just that I see nothing to convince me that it’ll bring anything new to the table, It just looks like a standard indie road trip movie where characters far too young to wax philosophic on things do exactly that, and for some reason we cameo Dermot Mulroney as the biggest actor the production could afford. I don’t think this will be a disaster, but for Ortenberg’s big break, it feels awfully derivative.
Bridget Jones: Mad About the Boy – February 13
Dear Renée Zellweger. You have two Academy Awards. Say it with me, everyone…
YOU ARE BETTER THAN THIS!
Who was asking for a fourth Bridget Jones movie? By all accounts only the first one was even remotely tolerable. I know this has an audience, but enough is enough. These films represent everything that is wrong about rom-coms, in that they aren’t romantic or funny, just an excuse to make dirty jokes that were rejected by Sex and the City for being too lazy.
If you need ultimate proof as to why this is going to suck, look no further than the trailers and distribution model itself. There are two copies of this trailer on YouTube. One is on the Universal Pictures channel, the other on Peacock’s. They’re the same company, same ownership, same studio, only one makes it absolutely clear what the dynamic is here. The movie was made, Universal saw it, and said, “Nope!” Any plans there might have been for a theatrical release were instantly scrapped, and this is being relegated to the worst of the main streaming services the day before Valentine’s, meaning it can’t even serve as a date movie. Instead it’s a “put this on in the background the night before when you don’t care about anything resembling a romantic gesture” movie.
At least Colin Firth’s character is dead, so he is finally rid of any obligations to this.
The Gorge – February 14
Okay, so we have two snipers on either side of the titular chasm. They’re only there to monitor the environment, but they can shoot at stuff if need be. They are not supposed to contact each other. But of course, since they’re played by Anya Taylor-Joy and Miles Teller, they will not only do that, but flirt and stuff, because, you know, hot.
Then some bullshit happens, and Teller falls into the gorge when he directly disobeys orders, and Taylor-Joy follows suit. They both somehow survive, and now they have to fight a monster in the mist so that we can have neutered, PG-13 scares. What the fuck are we doing here?
This is somehow directed by Scott Derrickson, who helmed the good Doctor Strange movie and bailed on the abominable sequel to do The Black Phone, which was awesome. He knows better than this, so what gives? This just looks like some generic jump scare nonsense that Blumhouse would shit out after eating too much Taco Bell, but instead it’s Apple and Skydance, which is not an improvement. I understand that we can have horror films on Valentine’s Day for the classic “girl cuddles guy when she’s scared” bit, but truly, you can do better than this.
Also, every exterior shot of the gorge looks like some of the most fake CGI landscaping I’ve ever seen.
The Unbreakable Boy – February 21
More Christian propaganda from Lionsgate, this is a film that’s already garnering an Emilia Pérez degree of hate, mainly down to two major factors. First, the fact that the trailer was shown before Sonic 3 made it seem like this was somehow targeted at the same audience, even though it’s about an autistic kid with brittle bone disease. There are literally hundreds of comments on YouTube about how the two films could not be farther apart in tone, with many wondering if this is a joke or a form of trolling.
Second, pretty much everyone agrees just from the clips shown that this will be in no way an accurate representation of kids on the autism spectrum, and instead a “celebration” of the dad who puts up with it, because Jesus or something. The trailer claims that the film is based on an “inspirational true story,” but in fact it’s based on a fictional book that included elements of actual stories and anecdotes. Why does every “Christian” movie purport to be a true story only to be filled to the brim with lies? Is it because the studio cares more about butts in seats and money in the bank rather than anything resembling a message that actually has to do with Christ’s teachings? Nah, couldn’t be.
The preview also name-checks Wonder as a selling point, but that film is what ultimately dooms this one. That movie was a character-driven dramedy about a normal kid growing up who just happened to have a physical medical condition that required a lot of surgeries when he was little. This is about a mental and developmental condition, wholly separate, and again, the focus is more on Zachary Levi as the dad. The two have nothing to do with each other apart from Lionsgate cutting a check.
This looks like a major train wreck, and the only people who will suffer because of it are those who don’t deserve it, instead of the faux-pious suits and shitheels who tried to profit off of them.
Old Guy – February 21
Can we all agree that movies about assassins are boring? Failing that, can we at least acknowledge that there are far too many of them? If there really were as many mercenary killers for hire as Hollywood suggests via their output, the entire population of the planet would have been eradicated 10 times over by now.
Well, here’s Christoph Waltz, another two-time Oscar winner, slumming it in an uninspired bit of drudgery where he has to train his Gen-Z replacement. Are you fucking serious? This is another one that you can tell is crap just because of the distribution model, which is spelled out in plain text on the video. It’s going to “select theaters” on the 21st, as well as being available to “buy on digital.” Paramount is already conceding that this will bomb, and the only hope they have is to force a purchase for those who might be interested but don’t want to schlep to the cinema for something even they know will be disposable.
Say it again, folks. CHRISTOPH WALTZ, YOU ARE BETTER THAN THIS!
Cleaner – February 21
And now, a conversation I imagine took place at Quiver Distribution.
Soulless Suit 1: Hey, I’ve got a brilliant idea! What if Die Hard, but British, and with a lady?
Soulless Suit 2: Awesome! That will totally make us look like we’re empowering women and being progressive! So is she a cop?
SS1: Nope.
SS2: Special Ops?
SS1: Nuh-uh.
SS2: Military Intelligence? A spy? A mercenary? A patriotic hero defending her homeland from terrorists?
SS1: No, no, no, and no! It’s even more perfect than that!
SS2: Well, by God, man, what does she do to make her so kick-ass?
SS1: She’s the window washer on the building and has no discernible background at all other than one line about her leaving the army!
SS2: THAT’S INCREDIBLE! THAT MEANS WE CAN HAVE GIRL POWER WHILE ALSO REMINDING THE AUDIENCE THAT A WOMAN’S PROPER JOB IS CLEANING STUFF!
SS1: Precisely. We should get Daisy Ridley to play her.
SS2: Of course, Daisy Ridley, the most natural, non-divisive heroine in cinema history! Everyone will love her, just as they always have!
SS1: I know, right?! Say, would you like some cake?
SS2: Oh yes, that sounds delicious. I love having cake, and eating it too!
SS1: We are smart.
SS2: We ARE smart. We deserve to be millionaires!
You know, just a random fantasy I had while watching this preview, apropos of nothing. What were we talking about again?
Uppercut – February 28
I mean, what do you want? It’s a generic boxing movie that’s trying to be like Million Dollar Baby or The Fire Inside, but instead it’s just Ving Rhames reminiscing. More time is spent on flashbacks to his character’s fighting days than the young woman he’s training. Why do I care? Oh wait, I don’t. Fucking Lionsgate.
***
So, while there is no video this month, I still do feel the need to crown a “Worst Trailer in the World” for February. This month, it’s kind of by default. Do I think the movie will be horrible? Not necessarily. But this preview does not inspire the least bit of confidence in a rapidly dying franchise.
Captain America: Brave New World – February 14
Two things become quickly apparent when seeing this trailer. One, Kevin Feige has learned nothing from the MCU’s ongoing diminishing returns. We’re once again trying to commoditize the audience by featuring a character who’s only in his current form due to a Disney+ show. Yes, The Falcon and the Winter Soldier came out several years ago, so those who wanted to see it have had plenty of time, but the principle remains the same. If you wanted to develop Sam Wilson for the Marvel CINEMATIC Universe, it should have been done in CINEMA, not a streaming TV show that you have to pay extra for.
Second, just about every plot point and character here feels recycled from previous Marvel properties, including the returns of Liv Tyler and Tim Black Nelson from The Incredible Hulk, the MCU entry that Disney has tried to disavow ever since it came out. We also now have a Red Hulk whose design looks no better than Edward Norton’s version of Banner from 2008, and Feige decided that the death of William Hurt was no reason to respectfully retire the character of Thaddeus Ross. Instead, let’s make him President and have him be played by Harrison Ford for reasons. But oh look, we get a pithy line about him shaving off his mustache, because THAT FIXES CONTINUITY!
It feels like the only reason this movie exists is as a middle finger to the bigoted fans who complained about Anthony Mackie being a black Captain America, so the powers that be decided not only does this underdeveloped character get a full movie, but we’ll double down and replace the antagonist as well. On a certain level, I can respect that, because a) fuck racists, and b) Mackie is cool as hell, long deserving of a proper spotlight. But from what I see in the trailers, this just looks formulaic and pedestrian, a true filler movie. Truly, I hope I’m wrong on that front, because I want the MCU to be consistently good again, since Feige has made it clear that he absolutely refuses to see the writing on the wall and graciously put the franchise to bed.
There’s one other red flag, though, and that’s the release date. This was originally supposed to be a tentpole release last year. It was first scheduled for May, and then later July, right in the heart of Blockbuster Season. Then it got moved to now, even though February is hit or miss at best. Only two MCU films were ever released in February. One was Black Panther, which was terrific, but it was relegated to that spot because the studio had no faith in it being a success. The other was Ant-Man and the Wasp: Quantumania, and the least said about that waste of disk space the better. Even then, that flick switched places with The Marvels, because Feige et al thought that would be more marketable (and it wasn’t finished on time), and it turned out to be arguably the worst entry in the franchise.
The studio has said that the delay was due to the SAG strike, but that doesn’t really make sense. The strike ended in November 2023. This film was planned for May, then July, of 2024. So you’re telling me that six months, and then eight, were not enough time for Mackie and others to properly promote the film? Really? Something smells fishy. Why do you need 15 total months to convince an audience to see the latest entry in one of the most successful franchises in movie history, unless the flick isn’t good enough to stand on its own merits? If it really is worth its own hype, why not just push it to the summer again, so you can make maximum buck? Maybe it’s because, deep down, you know there’s a strong chance the audience rejects this. Again, I want to be wrong, but my gut rarely leads me astray.
***
With that, we close out the month as we always do, with the “Redemption Reel.” Given that we’ve already seen one trailer that tries to capitalize on children in the most crass way possible, I figured it was only appropriate to highlight a childhood story that actually looks like it’s worth telling.
Jazzy – February 7
Coming out this Friday, Jazzy has that feel of a classic story of innocence, but with the self-awareness and nuance to deal with actual issues of growing up, including growing apart. To this day, I still remember all the best friends I had as a kid, from daycare through middle school, after which I moved away and my family hit the reset button on our lives. That said, I only keep in touch with three of them. The rest I either lost contact with over the years, or they turned out to not be very good friends after all. This is just a part of life, and it’s one that’s rich for story.
Also, in a bit of fun, I can pretty much guarantee that I’ll be able to see this one. It’s getting its wide release on Friday, but it already toured the festival circuit last year, and it’s up in two categories for this year’s Independent Spirit Awards. I have the screener literally sitting on my Roku, so I can’t wait to dive in! Hopefully I’ll find some free time in the midst of the Blitz this week.
***
That’s all for this month, everyone. Once again, I apologize if you were really hoping for a “Worst Trailer” video, but even with Brave New World, there’s just not enough time or material to make fun of. Honestly, that’s a good thing. It might be a sign that movies are starting to get better overall. One can only hope. Anyway, have a great time at the theatre, no matter what you see, and as always, take care of yourselves.
Join the conversation in the comments below! Do you plan to see any of these films? Was I too harsh on any of them? If Red Hulk and Green Hulk collide, will they create a Brown Hulk? Let me know! And remember, you can follow me on Twitter (fuck “X”) as well as Bluesky, and subscribe to my YouTube channel for even more content, and check out the entire BTRP Media Network at btrpmedia.com!
I Actually Paid To See This 