This Film is Not Yet Watchable – July 2023

We’re halfway through the year, and as we go into July, I have to say, things don’t look half bad. While the major tentpole movies of the 2023 Blockbuster Season have largely fallen flat, on the whole the general output for mainstream media hasn’t been all that terrible. Yes, Indiana Jones disappointed to an extreme degree, but at least this time we were prepared for it and could brace ourselves for whatever torrents of suck were on the way. You can kind of see that in its Rotten Tomatoes scores, where the critical consensus is fairly low, but still passable (a very “nice” 69% as of this writing), and the audience rating is stellar (88%), most likely due to the fact that it wasn’t Crystal Skull.

Still, in general, things have been okay. Nothing’s really blown anyone’s minds, apart from Across the Spider-Verse, but the industry has gotten along fairly decently. We still live in an age where anything less than a $100 million opening is considered a failure, but when the studios seem content to only put in 60% effort, they shouldn’t be upset at only getting 60% of their projections.

This July, I hope this trend continues. Americans are finally voting with their wallets, properly rejecting middling franchise fare due to rising costs and diminishing quality, opting to wait for streamers to pick the films up, and even then the viewership stats are apparently going down (there’s no publicly available data, only what each company reports and the related actions they take, which are mostly not good) in solidarity with the WGA strike and the likely upcoming SAG strike. People are fed up with seeing the same shit over and over again, and having the people responsible for making the art suffer while rich trouser stains get even richer. This is what free market economics is supposed to be about. You put out a product, the people judge it and spend money if they like it, and you adjust from there. For the last several years, the model has been shoving whatever the studios and their algorithms want down our throats with no alternative, and people forking over their cash, resigned to having no real choices if they want a night out. That has changed dramatically since the pandemic, to the point where a film like Asteroid City can get much higher average sales per screen than Elemental or The Flash.

It’s with that in mind that we delve into this month’s offerings, which ostensibly offers a 50-50 split. Of the 14 films debuting in wide release this month, seven earned a place in this column. Even then, it’s not like all seven are created equal. Of the group, I’d say only three look truly bad. Two of them just seem underwhelming, but I can certainly see the appeal if you want to watch them. And as for the other two, one is likely going to be a great movie that just happened to make a bad sales pitch, while the other is the polar opposite, one that appears to be spectacularly bad and the trailer leans into it.

That’s how this should normally work. Half the films look good to great, and of the rest, you can find something to endorse in some of them, while only a slim minority look like complete wastes of time. Trust me, I long for the day when I won’t feel the need to do this column anymore, because the people will have sent a clear enough message to get the Hollywood machine to right its wrongs and actually try on a consistent basis.

Today, we celebrate our Independence Day, and for the next four weeks, it’s up to you to declare your independence from shit. I truly feel like we’re headed in the right direction. This is the July 2023 edition of “This Film is Not Yet Watchable!”

Insidious: The Red Door – July 7

I’ll fully admit, I never watched any of the Insidious movies. Even from the trailers back then I could tell they were just going to be generic horror with a bunch of jump scares. The first one got a 66% on Rotten Tomatoes, and the scores have gotten worse with each sequel. This fifth film is billed as the end of the franchise, and just like every other series out there, I’ll believe it when I never see another one announced, or if there’s ever a legally-binding resolution to Sony banning them from making any more lest they run afoul of false advertising laws.

Looking at the trailer, this looks just as boring as all the others. But for mid-budget horror, the series has been relatively successful, enough for Blumhouse to keep going back to the well. Clearly there’s an audience for this, though I am most assuredly not it.

If you’re a fan of the Insidious pentalogy, then I’m sure you’ll see this and probably enjoy the cheap thrills it gives you. For me, I’m just wondering when we’re going to start getting good, pure horror movies again. The straight scares recently have just been lazy sequels, while the partial parodies are the only ones worth seeing, and even then, mostly for the comedy and camp value rather than legitimate terror. Last year was really good for the genre. This year? Not so much.

Joy Ride – July 7

Let me say this upfront and be absolutely clear. I think this movie is going to be fantastic. You’ve got Stephanie Hsu in the cast and Cherry Chevapravatdumrong doing the screenplay (she’s arguably the best Family Guy writer since its 2005 revival). This is almost certainly going to be a laugh riot, especially if early reviews are any indication (97% on RT, with only one negative review to date from a critic who concedes he’s not the target demographic).

My problem is the pitch. There are some funny bits, especially the early scene where a toddler punches a racist white kid and tells him to fuck off, but most of the jokes highlighted are honestly kind of lame. I don’t get how a blonde girl blowing cocaine on them would get them in trouble with authorities, especially when they can all easily say what happened to them. I don’t need the mental image of trying to shit out drug condoms. And most importantly, NO ONE needs the K-pop bit.

That last one is the kind of joke that I’m getting more and more sour on. It’s one thing for humor to become dated as times change and sensibilities adapt. I literally watched Team America: World Police last night for the first time in years, and saw that what was edgy for the early ’00s would definitely not fly today, even from Trey Parker and Matt Stone, who’ve always made a point of being provocateurs and crusaders against political correctness. I understand all of that.

But what I don’t get is why modern comedy films (at least since 2010, and likely a bit earlier) think it’s somehow charming to fuel their laughs with pop culture references that will instantly date the movie and cause it to be a time capsule of eventual regret rather than nostalgia. Far too many do it, and this one is no exception.

I mean, seriously, what is supposed to be funny about any of this? First, K-pop, like any other fad, will lose its popularity at some point, and all of this will just look foolish. Second, how exactly will dressing like a K-pop group allow them to pass through an airport without a security check, especially in China? Third, just how are we proposing that women of Chinese heritage will be so easily mistaken for Korean without me saying something that will get me cancelled instantly? Fourth, the moment you invoke Cardi B, I’m already done. You’re literally targeting two items of pop music that are in the zeitgeist now, but when they eventually fade, it’ll just look shortsighted, especially if anything untoward happens with those involved. More importantly, as the one bad review on RT notes, by using this as a selling point, you’re basically saying you only want a Gen Z audience and/or you want to indirectly mock those who aren’t. The best comedies are the ones that invite everyone in for the laugh rather than limiting themselves to something that will ultimately become niche.

Again, I’m sure there will be better stuff. This definitely strikes me as the type of trailer that gets the bad jokes out of the way early so that you can be pleasantly shocked at the true comedic lengths the film will go to. I just wish the powers that be put in a little more effort to convince a general audience.

The Out-Laws – July 7

On the flip side of the comedy coin, this looks painfully bad. For a while, this was going to earn the ignominious title of “The Worst Trailer in the World,” but after a few viewings, I realized I could only get a couple of decent jokes out of it because I was just angry at how awful this looks. This shit makes Jexi look like The Godfather.

I mean, I love Adam DeVine. We all do. And while he did get a super hot wife in real life, I’m guessing being famous had a lot to do with it, because goofy dorks like him don’t get the romantic interests he gets in movies. He’s like Kevin James on Weight Watchers. Tens don’t end up with fives. It just doesn’t happen unless you’re rich or powerful or really, REALLY lucky. Stop giving schlubs like me false hope! Second, in what universe other than movies (particularly rom-coms) do couples get engaged without one party meeting the other’s parents (assuming they’re alive and have a good relationship)?

Those clichés alone would be enough to sink this Netflix stinker, but then you add in Ellen Barkin and Pierce Brosnan as career bank robbers – the most notorious in history if this movie is to be believed… and you’ve bludgeoned all knowledge of Bonnie and Clyde from your brain – who gain entry to DeVine’s vault through singing Blink-182 (I never bought into Tom DeLonge’s nonsense about aliens before, but no human being could have possibly approved this reference), and who just happen to have kept their double life hidden from their adult daughter (Nina Dobrev) forever until she’s kidnapped by people they previously stole from.

And then, worst of all, there’s the James Bond joke. Oh my GOD that one hurt. It’s so bad I want to retroactively hate GoldenEye now.

The Beanie Bubble – July 21

I mentioned this before, but we have had WAY too many movies this year – a good deal of them put out by Apple, oddly enough – about the genesis of commercial products. This is the latest one, apparently a Wolf of Wall Street take on the creation and ascension of Beanie Babies in the 90s.

This looks pretty bad on just about every level, but there was one thing that surprised me enough that I might give this a chance if I’m bored some night. Zack Galifianakis plays Ty Warner, the owner of the Ty company that makes the toys. And honestly, had I not seen his name, I would have never guessed it was him. Not only is the overall hair and makeup job superb, but I can’t remember ever seeing Galifianakis without a beard. Morbid curiosity at the sight of that alone might be enough to watch this at some point.

That said, instant failure for improper use of Jamiroquai.

Cobweb – July 21

Hey, remember everything I just said about Insidious? Well, apply that to Cobweb, only change it to a standalone film, put in a shit-ton of wide angle lens shots, and for some reason, a yard full of rotting pumpkins. Very common in suburbia.

Yawn. Lizzy Caplan is so much better than this.

Sympathy for the Devil – July 28

God bless you, Nic Cage, you batshit insane genius and glorious bastard! Let me be clear and frank. This movie looks terrible, and it’s certainly not helped by the presence of the most boring member of the Suicide Squad.

But goddamn if Cage doesn’t sell the absolute fuck out of this. He might make this awful, tired hostage story seem almost palatable through the sheer force of his personality. He chews the scenery in every moment like he’s at one of the Las Vegas buffets he and Joel Kinnaman drive past. I couldn’t help but laugh at least half a dozen times watching this trailer. Given its sole box office competition for the weekend in question, this feels like it could make for the perfect “Bad Movie Night” out with your friends. But expect quality at your own risk.

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It seems like we’ve barely started, and already it’s time to hit rock bottom with “The Worst Trailer in the World… This Month!” You know what sucks? Disney remakes. You know what also sucks? Movies based on Disney rides. Guess what’s sure to be an instant success… NOT!

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I used that joke because only someone as out of touch as a person who would laugh at that would think this is a good idea. It’s not at all related to me watching Wayne’s World the other day.

Haunted Mansion – July 28

Why is it that an original idea is only thing that truly scares Disney executives?

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I know you’ve all got barbecues to go to, so let’s wrap this up nicely with this month’s “Redemption Reel.” To put it simply, let’s reverse the name of the cookout and cue Barbie.

Barbie – July 21

As I noted above, there are too many movies about the creation of popular merchandise, but that doesn’t mean you can’t make a good film out of a product itself. Just look at The LEGO Movie. As long as you handle the commodity with care and creativity, you’ve got a real shot.

And truly, this looks inspired. Margot Robbie is the perfect casting, as she’s basically a living Barbie doll anyway. Really the whole ensemble looks great, as does the production design of Barbie’s dream world and the costuming. The production used so much pink paint that it actually caused a supply shortage, but it looks like it was all put to fantastic use.

But what really makes this intriguing in the extreme is Greta Gerwig. I mentioned it when I reviewed her adaptation of Little Women that she knows more than almost any other filmmaker out there how to develop compelling characters and treat them with just the right amount of empathy to make sure they can grow in a manner that feels organic. She gets inside them in ways few others can to draw out what makes them worth your attention, even if they’re just a vessel for a coupe of jokes. And as great of a writer as she is, her visual artistry sells the idea just as well without words. The opening image of Robbie stepping out of her high heels to still have her feet at that insane angle, contrasted with the later shot of her feet flat on the ground is simple and yet devastating, showing us in two quick motions how much the weight of this unexpected existential crisis affects America’s favorite fashion toy. It’s two seconds that could lead to hours of speculation and artistic interpretation, which shows a level of ambition far outstripping what anyone could have imagined when they first heard there was going to be a live-action Barbie movie.

And just for good measure, the trailer itself makes it clear that this is not just Toy Story with live actors. The onscreen text that says you’ll like this movie whether you love or hate the doll is a pretty solid indication that we’re going to be tackling way more intense themes and ideas than what you might expect from such a project. However, by framing it within the context of the imaginary adventures of Barbie in the real world, if you want to just glean entry-level enjoyment out of the whole affair, that’s perfectly fine as well.

Honestly, the only part of the trailer that didn’t work for me was the tag joke with Ken trying to perform surgery but getting stopped by a woman doctor. It’s funny because it’s Ryan Gosling saying patently stupid shit, but unless there’s some weird canon out there where Ken is a misogynist straight out of 1959 (the year Barbie debuted), I just don’t get it. Granted, I never played with these as a kid (though I did play and beat the Nintendo game, as it was a video game in my house at the time), but I don’t remember my sister or her friends using Ken as a stand-in for sexism. The scene still got a chuckle out of me, so I guess it’s fine, but tonally it doesn’t match with the rest of the preview, or any of the other bits of assorted lightheartedness or macabre speculation. Still looks like a great film, though.

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That’s all I’ve got for this month, folks! Enjoy the sun (if you can see it through the wildfire smoke), eat many hot dogs of questionable origin, and commemorate the freedom of this land by blowing up a small part of it!

Join the conversation in the comments below! Will you be seeing any of these films? Was I too harsh on any of them? Who would have ever guessed 10 years ago that the flexibility of Margot Robbie’s feet would consistently be her sexiest feature? Let me know! Also, don’t forget to follow me on Twitter and Youtube!